Pushing through the wall...

Where to begin.....Well I have not lost any weight in over 3 weeks.  On November 18th I had no loss no gain.  On November 24th gained a pound.  On December 2nd no loss or gain, but on that visit I actually had an appointment and discussed my concerns. I explained that I drink lots of water and just occasional tea.  That I eat very healthy, and workout in the gym at least 6 times a week, which includes 5 to 6 Zumba classes a week. I did explain I've had some normal emotional upset, that I'm trying to process.  She thought that it was probably my thryoid out of sinc.  She also suggested me adding something with my B12 shot called slim.  It is a fat burner, with lots of extra b vitamins. She ordered a TSH as well.  The last one I had done was on August 2nd.  The level was the best it had ever been, without being too low.  The TSH was .63.  I got my results from the test that was just ran and found out it was too low.  The TSH was .06.  So I'm going from 200 mcg of levothyroxine to 150 mcg.  My 1st pill of the new dose was today.   Please say a little prayer for me that my thryoid will stay within the normal range and not go to high again.

As I had mentioned earlier, I have been dealing with several emotional issues. One being the fact I haven't lost any weight in almost a month, but in fact gained a pound.  I'm also frustrated with my body physically getting in the way in the gym.  You are probably wondering what on earth I'm talking about.  It's something I don't mention often, but that I have dealt with chronically throughout this weight loss journey ~ PAIN!  I deal with pain 24 hrs. 7 days a week.  I don't really feel the pain until I stop and sit, & especially when I lay down at night!  I'm noticing a few problem areas. One in particular is my lower back, but a few others are my knees and feet!  I will not and can't let the pain in my body slow me down!  I really push myself to a limit beyond what I think I can handle.  I try to leave it all in the gym, leaving knowing I couldn't give it one more ounce of energy!  That's what has been so hard about not loosing any weight for almost a month.  When u give it every possible ounce of your being and then some, as well as eating right, it is very frustrating to see no results on the scale.  I'm constantly reminding myself about the post I wrote on the rewards beyond the scale, and that is obviously what has kept me going.  I know I'm not on a journey just of weight loss, but life change! 

Due to the pain I deal with in my lower back, I cannot do any jumping in the Zumba classes!  I got so frustrated tonight in my Zumba class, that I actually left out and didn't finish!  I really had a melt down!  I want so badly to be able to do exactly what the instructor does, that when I realize, that is not completely possible right now, I actually get angry at my ownself!  I get frustrated that I allowed myself to get to this point, that my body literally is holding me back.  I know I did not gain all this weight overnight and it will take time to get the rest of the weight off.  I'm just trying to figure out why on earth I couldn't see what everyone else sees.  Why I let myself get so self destructive!  I guess because I've had such a healthy mind transformation, I just can't grasp why I didn't see my potential back then.  I still struggle seeing it now at times.  I know that quitting will NEVER be an option!  I've started something I completely intend to not only finish, but continue giving 100%.

A sweet new friend I've met in Zumba made a point to find me after Zumba class.  See, I did not leave the gym when I walked out of the class!  I actually went and did my 50 crunches, and did some weight equipment.  This dear friend shared some very needed words of wisdom & encouragement.  The 1st thing she said was she did not want me quitting!  I laughed and let her know that is not an option.  She then let me know, something I had no idea of.  That there are many women in my Zumba class that have made it clear to her, that they are inspired by me.  When they don't feel like they can do anymore they look at me and say if she can, so can I.  I guess it has alot to do with me being the biggest in the class.  I'm sure they realize the more weight u sling around in the class the harder it physically has to be.  They are so right, but I never show it!  For the moves I can do, I give it my all.  The ones I still can't do, I improvise and continue plugging along! 

I have not lost my passion for the gym by any means!  I absolutely still love to workout!  I just am frustrated with my physical limitations.  I know it's only a matter of time I will be able to look back and say WOW u really worked through it and look what u can do now.  I also realize I have came a very long way!  I have to remind myself frequently to embrace the accomplishments thus far!  Seems like it has been a long time, but when u sit and look at it - 7 months and 35 pounds lighter (due to the 1 pound gain), is a pretty cool accomplishement!  I really hope I haven't let anyone down.  I am human, so I will have bumps along the road!  I just can't allow it to be a complete road block, but rather a time to reflect and continue pushing through!

Colossians 3:23 
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,

True Freedom

Well on tuesday for the 1st time ever in my life, I spoke to a group of women who have suffered some type of abuse.  I am a very shy person by nature and way more of a writer, than a public speaker.   I honestly, NEVER saw myself doing something like that, but God has opened a door for me.  It's amazing how God can use something that we've been through that was so ugly and turn it around for good.  Something I was told that really helped me, be able to speak to this group, was "U don't have to be worthy, just willing".  I felt so unworthy and unqualified to speak, but God not only gave me strength, but peace as well.  Below is exactly what I shared with the group.  The response was overwhelming.

                                                           A Testimony of Hope

I had a rough past with many abuses, that crippled me emotionally for many years and brought me to a point, after my moms passing, of much reflection.  I realized I did not want the things of my past to cripple my future any longer.  God used my church family, a ladies retreat, my husband, the gym, and a conversation with 1 of my sons, as positive tools to bring me to a much healthier place, both physically, emotionally and most importantly, spiritually.

I battled many things through my childhood.  I endured physical, mental, and sexual abuse.  I battled lack of trust and total unacceptance of myself, due to a mother that showed no love.  She wasn't showed it from her parents and repeated the pattern.  The relationship or lack thereof with my mother has been the hardest thing by far to overcome.  I actually thought when she died that would somehow be the magic cure for my lifelong issues with depression, anger, distrust, guilt, self loathing, isolation from others, and food addiction.  Boy was I wrong!  Since her passing in 07, that actually brought me to the darkest pit in my life, but also led to the healthiest, happiest place today.

My mom's passing brought me to a place of much reflection.  I did not want the pain of the past to cripple my future any longer.  In april of this year,  I was able to realize, that my mother had failed me.  I was never able to trust my mother, which led to trust issues with everyone else.  The unacceptance I felt, led me to not love myself.  I also had developed a food addiction.  Since I felt like I could trust no one, I turned to food for comfort.  As you can see the past pain had damaging affects on me that led to the deepest depression.

God used a combination of things to make a  positive change in my life.  For one,  He used my church family for me to learn trust.  At my church we share lunch together every sunday.  I have been able to sit with my sisters in Christ and we share the praises in our lives as well as the burdens we are carrying.  It is a time of sweet fellowship, that I look forward to.  We recently  had a ladies retreat in april,  and for the 1st time in my life I opened up about my food addiction.  I felt a huge burden released.  I began to dig deep in God's word.   A scripture that was profound to me during that time and even now, that I reflect on daily.  Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty where with Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

I found myself having a conversation with my 14 year old son this summer, that would be a pivotal point of change in my life.  I was talking to him about choosing a career path.  I had made the statement to not ever let anyone limit u and don't limit yourself.  It was in that moment, I realized I had that done to me all my life.  Not only had I allowed others to limit me, I was the biggest limitation to myself.  That discussion led me to see things I never had seen before in myself.  That night I had a conversation with my husband and I made a life changing decision to not allow the pain of the past to dictate my future any longer.  I wanted to find true happiness and inner peace.

My husband has been a very consistent, positive support in my life.  Over the years of battleing  with a food addiction, I have gained 150 pounds.  Which put me at 291 pounds.   I found myself very discontent with that and I wanted to make a change.  Without my knowledge my husband purchased a gym membership, and even though I was aggravated at 1st, I started to work out.  I started this weight loss journey, May 12th.   Even though initially I was apprehensive about the gym, I began to love it and look forward to going.  It filled a void I did not realize I had.  It became my outlet.  A place of positive energy renewal.  My  I began to reap such a reward of peace from my workouts.  Several scriptures I came across that speaks on this.  Psalm 29:11 The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace.  Also Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  And lastly Galatians 6:9 So don't get tired of doing what is good.  Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.  I was able to start connecting with an inner peace that only Christ can give.  Working out in the gym not only has helped me with inner peace, but also physical strength, as well as reward on the scale.  I am down a total of 36 pounds now.  I am living proof, that when u hand over your burdens to the Lord, He will give u strength to overcome.  A scripture I had came across that has helped me in those times that I don't feel very strong is Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

The most positive change in my life has been allowing Christ to be the center.  Through the healing that God has given me.  I've gained an inner peace I never thought possible.  I am able to face every day with a hope only Christ can give.  He is my joy, my strength, my peace, and most of all my hope. 

Reaching for the Stars

I had my weigh in today and much to my surprise I had lost 5 pounds!  I was so shocked & happy I shouted OhMyGosh - I LOST 5 pounds!!!  I repeated it like 3 times.  I was so proud of all the hard work that I put in, and it actually showing on the scale.  So I not only lost the 2 I had gained at last weeks weigh in, but also 3 extra!  I actually hit the weights more than I ever have this weigh in.  I got a tip from the gym owner that when u workout on weights u are gaining lean muscle, which in turn helps loose more body fat!  So, I gave the weights more than I ever have.  I really pushed through to a new level of "feeling the burn"!  I was able to hit 4 Zumba's & 5 days of weights and stomach crunches.  I added an 11 pound weight to my stomach crunches and I really felt the burn on that as well.

From the emotional end of this past week, I had to learn to process the devestation of the 2 pound gain, but not allow it to keep me down for too long. It is o.k. to dress your wounds, but NOT to stay on them too long.  I just regained the mindset of pushing through and continuing to do what I know works.  I was rewarded today by the number on the scale, but the long term is so much more beneficial.  After saturday's workout, I had much time of reflection.  I thought on the fact that after I reach my goal weight, I will not have a number to look forward to on the scale anymore.  This is completely a life change!  I LOVE working out and will continue to reap the benefits from that, both physically & mentally.

I hit 2 Zumba classes back to back for the 1st time tonight!  About 35 minutes into the 2nd Zumba I started feeling faint so I had to take a minute rest and went right back into doing it.  I then felt sick to my stomach a few minutes later and yet again had to stop and cool down, but didn't stay down long.  I finished that class strong!  I was excited that I was able to prove to myself I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.  My stamina, just literally amazes me.  I am able to do so much more than I ever thought was my potential or even possible.  I am proof that all odds can be overcome!  We cannot allow circumstances to keep us down and prevent us from being our full potential and all God has created us to be!

At my oldest sons birthday party in July a picture was taken that I very quickly deleted. It was of  me reaching to light his candles.  All that u could see was my elbow down, but that was enough for me, I was very disgusted! I have been noticing in different areas of my body, the weight loss I'm going through.  I have a few side and front view pic's of myself taken on June 3rd, Sep. 11th, & Nov. 11th.  I was comparing them side by side tonight and noticed several different things that had changed.  One in particular to anyone else may seem so insignificant, but to me was huge!  I noticed the hand to arm ratio has changed drastically. That was a place in particular that I was looking forward to seeing changed through weight loss.  Seeing an area of my body changed by my weight loss had me in tears.  I actually saw my arm and fingers as beautiful for the 1st time!   As I continued to compare different areas of my body that has changed, I found myself so full of pride.  I really am doing this!  I'm finally facing my fears and limits I had put on myself through the years and pushing past all that to see the beautiful girl that has been hidden.  She is no longer scared, or limited!  I now know the sky is the limit!  Do NOT EVER allow anyone else or yourself to limit your full potential!  I have done that for far too long and I'm learning to embrace the new girl that is reaching for hers. 

Galatians 5:1 
Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.
John 8:32
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Putting the Gloves on....

As I finished up my workout this a.m., I was filled with such a renewing!  Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop (eye of the tiger - survivor).  I will continue on this journey, taking every hit that comes my way and just drawing strength from it.  I will not break or give up!  God never promised this life to be easy!  Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.  His grace is sufficient!

This won't be the 1st nor the last mountain to climb, but it's in the valley's I can see the stars!  I will rise above all the obstacles put in my way.  I have an amazing support system as well as a God that loves me unconditionally.  I'm only human, which means I can't expect myself to be perfect!

I went to the gym this morning, and got me a big dose of strength back!  I am more pumped up than ever to hit this week hard.  I will be challenging myself more than I ever have and just look at the overall changes, rather than the scale!  I'm not going to say I don't want to see a big number, but I can't just be hyper focused on that reward, and forget about all the other accomplishments.  I'm a fighter and will soon be a winner of this battle to a healthier me.  I'm already a winner in alot of ways, and I need to continue to remind myself of that.  I am so much stronger in mind and body than I ever thought possible.  I'm realizing I'm doing what I was born to do!  I feel such a natural high from being in the gym.  I get such a positive renewal!  After a workout I feel like I have just climbed the tallest mountain, and I'm standing at the top breathing that cool air and smiling bigger than I ever have!

I was hit really hard at weigh in having gained 2 pounds, and trying to carry emotional baggage into the weigh in.  I've been reflecting on that, and I will not be paralyzed by the negative things of the past.  Philippians 3:13,14 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

The Pain of the Past.....

Wow I have had a rough few days emotionally.  I recently had a situation bring me back to that crippling place of the mental abuse I suffered as a child.  It brought back all the bitterness & pain in a flood of emotions.  I found myself very angry and lashing out as well as in tears.  Part of my anger was realizing I hadn't completely gotten over all I endured.  I also wanted to be in denial that what angered me was not the situation, but the emotional state it put me in.  I thought I was past letting the things of the past cripple me.  It brought me back to the old person in me I hated, that allowed emotions to dictate her state of being.

I had my weigh in this a.m. that only compounded my emotionally raw state.  I found myself going into the weigh in with NO confidence at all, in having lost any weight.  Partly due to having hit the weights hard, but also having had such an emotional past few days.  For the 1st time since starting my weight loss, I found myself completely devastated on the scale.  As I saw the 2 pound weigh gain, I began to cry uncontrollably for the 1st time on the scale.  I just could NOT hold back.

Now comes the challenge!  I have to take all this raw emotion and figure out how to continue forward.

II Corinthians 4:17"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory."  Psalm 37:17  "The righteous cry and the LORD hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles."

Breaking Free....

Well at last thursday's weigh in I lost another 2 pounds!  That puts me down a total of 33 pounds.  I have done much reflecting since the weigh in.  On the way home after Zumba saturday morning I thought on just how much I have changed.  Not just in body, but so much more in mind & heart. 

I have found a gift I will forever treasure!  I am a reflection of just what God can do in a life.  When u finally let completely go and hand it over to him, so many great things will happen.  Most importantly, u will find an inner peace than only Christ can give.  Philippians 4:7  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I find myself so excited about the gift I've found, that I share it with everyone I come in contact with.  Sharing my passion for the gym is worth sharing with everyone and anyone that will listen. I invite people all the time to try Zumba if they haven't already.  Life is not complete, when you are NOT living it to the fullest.  For the 1st time in my life I'm enjoying it!  The best description I can give is like someone being stuck inside a house sick for a few days and then they get to go outside for the 1st time.  You walk out and take a very deep breath, and feel the refreshing that u were needing.  For me that's what I feel like every single time I'm in the gym.

I'm so amazed that I'm finally able to live the present and look forward to the future.  I couldn't say that just 6 months ago.  I was so wrapped up with the pain of my past, that I couldn't see the blessing of life I was given.  We cannot allow anyone or anything to steal the joy Christ intends for us to have.  He set us free!  It's time for us to embrace that freedom and let the chains of shame go!  It's time for u to love yourself and the beautiful creation God made in u.

Proverbs 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.

The Call of Destiny......

We were not meant to,
live in the past of pain,
or carry the chains,
but to let go of the shame.

We are to inspire,
and spark an inner fire,
of the desire,
to be changed.

We all have a hidden treasure,
if we look,
 to seek and find it.

That is the thing,
that sparks the fire,
the inner desire to be changed.

Written by:  Me

The Mask....

I've had some challenges since last weigh in.  I was under the weather through the weekend and really didn't know if I would be able to do any kind of working out.  I drank 2 cups of green tea with lemon & ginseng a day.  As well as pushing through physically by doing a little laundry and dishes.  These 2 things I think helped me to get well faster.  Don't get me wrong I felt like a truck had run over me, but I did NOT want to stay sick and slow progress of my weigh loss down.  I was not able to workout until monday evening in my Zumba class!  I even went thinking I may not be able to do much, but at least I will try!  I was able to complete the whole class and have loads of fun doing it.  I did come home with a pretty bad headache, but did not regret going.  U might think as many Zumba classes I do that I would get bored, but that's not the case at all.  For 1 thing I have different instructors and each bring a different flavor to the class.  The energy in the room is different as well.  I can say that NONE are boring!  I've been doing Zumba since September 7th, so almost 2 months now, and I still find some moves challenging.  I would like to try and do some of the Zumbathons that have been happening on saturdays.  The most recent was one for breast cancer awareness. 

I've been following this seasons biggest loser weekly.  What an inspiration!  It's been very different watching this season as compared to seasons past.  The reason being, I'm actually not the girl that just sat on the couch and watched in previous seasons.  I've been doing my own personal remodel!   I'm actually able to relate to the pain as well as the rewards from the gym.  Everytime after a Zumba class, when I'm in the shower I say "yep there goes some fat right down the drain"!  I'm starting to see the physical changes and like what I see!

Going through this weight loss journey, I've realized that not only did I have a mask on, it had pretty much became a part of who I had become.  Getting under the mask, has by far been the hardest challenge through this journey.  Even harder than all the workouts combined.  It's really hard to break old habits, especially when your not sure why u have them.  It is also extremely hard to admit to not only yourself, but to others that u have problems that need working on.  I've been saying for years, that u have to have the mental change for the physical change to take hold.  I knew I had to face my own insecurities, and hurts that brought me to that place behind the mask.  Even though I was living an emotionally painful existence, it had become my normal.  I look back at that person now, and I'm in disbelief that I was able to, or even allowed the past to cripple me in such a way.  I had to get out of the mindset that I had always fell trap to.  Being so consumed with fear, distrust, and rejection, puts u in your own personal prison.  That was 1 of the biggest, paralyzing, emotional traps I've had to deal with. Struggling with unacceptance of yourself, makes it very hard to believe anyone else can accept u "the good, bad & the ugly".

I'm excited about the changes that have taken place in me.  I know I will have many more challenges to face ahead, but I go in confidence knowing it will only make me stronger!  I wanted to also thank u all my peeps, for sharing your encouraging words with me.  I'm just beyond thrilled that something I've said has inspired u to start making a healthy change.  Please feel free to continue leaving messages for me.  I look forward to them!

A Favorite part of the lyric in - Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

A Flower in Bloom....

                                                                   The Passion Flower

Wow ~ what a week!  I know last weeks post was about the rewards beyond the scale, but I was wanting a good number on the scale this week.  I really wanted 5, but I earned 3pounds.  I also lost 2 inches in my waist, 1 1/2 in my chest, & 1 1/2 in the hips.  It had only been 2 weeks since I was measured last, so u can only imagine how ecstatic I am!!!

After weigh in on thursday of last week, the next workout I hit was saturday a.m.  I headed into the gym planning on just doing cardio on the machines, and to my surprise after arriving at the gym realized I had missed 15 minutes of the Zumba that had already started.  I had forgotten all about Zumba that morning!  I went ahead and went into the class and got 45 minutes in and then finished with the stationary cycle accomplishing 16minutes, 25seconds/3miles! Sunday I rested and just took it easy.   I Rocked out in a Zumba class on monday night. Then on tuesday I hit an a.m. workout that consisted of 33 minutes/5miles on the stationary cycle and 50 stomach crunches.  Tuesday night I rocked out to another Zumba class and was really feeling the burn all over form working out so much.  I didn't stop there though!  On wednesday I hit an a.m. body flex class, that was seriously "intense", but a really good workout.  I ended my workout week wednesday night by hitting another Zumba! 

I don't mind telling u, I am sore from the tip of my neck to the tip of my toes!  My upper legs in the hamstring quadricept area is the most sore this a.m.  I'm telling u the pain can be pretty severe at times, but I push through it.  I do NOT allow it to stop my progress, nor slow it down!  I even had some pretty serious pain in my knee area while doing the body flex class!  Body flex is some serious muscle training. At the end of that class not only was I feeling the burn everywhere u have muscles...lol, but also was extremely shaky.  I really realized in that class that I am still very weak in the arms.  I do have a ways to go, but I'm amazed how far I have came.  Here is a quote from Rocky Balboa I absolutely LOVE "It ain't about how hard you hit, but about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward!  That's how winning's done!  But you got to be willing to take the hits".  I heard this quote last night and have just been inspired even more so to continue killing it in the gym!

I look at myself like a flower that had been closed off for many, many years, but now is in bloom!  What better flower to describe me now in my journey, but the passion flower.  I am so passionate about life now as well as my workouts.  I'm truly living a fulfilling life now and I look to NO one to fill my voids. 
Philippians 1:21 For to me to live [is] Christ, and to die [is] gain.  Meaning we cannot do anything in our own strength.  We have to let flesh go and let God lead us.  Flesh will fail u, but God never will!

Reward Beyond the Scale....

Well weigh in was a HUGE disappointment this past thursday!  I managed to not loose or gain!  I could just be completely discouraged and quit, but I choose to use it and just go back into the gym with even more passion!  I'm not going to sugar coat and say it's easy picking myself up from that, but u do what u have to!  I've worked far too hard, to just let the scale determine my motivation!

Just a few days prior to the weigh in on monday night before Zumba,  I had a mental plateau of sorts.  I was so frustrated with myself, and what I had become!  I was looking at myself through the distorted mirror at how far I still have to go.  Rather than looking at me and the accomplishments thus far!  I am a changed person now, but it is very hard to grasp the understanding of the past me.  I have to continue to remind myself, that I can NOT live in the past.  I don't want that person to ever paralyze the new me, and all that I have accomplished thus far.  I had to take a look at the fact, I'm not getting healthy in body & mind for the scale reward, but rather the benefits overall.  I'm going to continue working out even past my goal weight, so I have to remember there will be no scale reward then. I cannot describe the well being I have in mind and body now.  I feel like there was a person inside that quiet fat girl that is finally coming to the surface.  The new me is very hard to get use to, but I find myself smiling alot!  I LOVE making new friends and sharing all that I've learned thus far.  I really enjoy sharing Zumba with everyone that will listen.  I'm aware that maybe not everyone will love it, but I want people to feel the passion I have for working out!  I want to be infectious with the good news I have!

It's like with anything, u have to continue to push through!  I will be very open on exactly how I feel in body!  I am in pain from the top of my neck, all the way down to my feet!  I have been pushing through not only soreness, but also pain from being overweight.  I feel like u need to know, that this has NOT been an easy process physically at all!  One of the areas I suffer all the time is my tail bone area.  It literally hurts to sit down, because of the pain.  I have NOT allowed my body to determine just how much I will workout in a day!  My mind has completely controlled what my body is gonna do.  There have been many nights, including last night, that I have to take pain medicine & a hot shower to go bed.  I can honestly say though, for the 1st time in my life,  I'm pushing full steam ahead!  NOTHING is going to stop the journey I have begun.  Even though I deal with the physical pain, I know that the reward I seek has so much more weight than I have ever physically carried.  I get so excited looking forward to the complete new me to come.

I hope u all know that I am hoping to spark even 1 person to make a positive change.  No matter what u are going through, u can push through.  Everyone has their burdens, but none are bigger than God.  He has helped me overcome things in my life through this journey, I never thought possible.  We serve a God in the miracle business!

I would LOVE for u to share with me if, my journal through my journey has helped u or sparked a fire in u.  It is so encouraging to me to hear others success's.  I want u all to know I will always have a shoulder for any of u that need 1.  I know what it's like to feel all alone in a room full of people! 

The Rainbow after the Storm.....

Well, I can honestly say I'm not the same person that started this weight loss journey.  I'm no longer an insecure, recluse, that was letting life just pass her by.  I am so amazed how much change can occur in just 5 months.  Not just in body, but in mind as well.

One of the most pivotal moments, that sparked a drastic change in me, was at the ladies retreat I attended in May at my church. The speaker spoke on - Whom or What fills your cup?  It was in that moment, that I realized I had been searching in vain.  I was looking to people and things, and not the inner peace only Christ can give. Phillipians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Our cup can NEVER be filled with all the world has to offer.  The key is Christ.  He's the one that gives happiness.  People will fail you, and material things won't last. 

One of the things that changed around the time of the retreat, was me joining a gym.  Going to the gym has been such a positive outlet.  Working out is my hobby! Tonight I did 50 stomach crunches, 15 minutes of racquet ball, 2 weight machines, and 1 hour of Zumba.  I NEVER considered I would actually be able to build this type of endurance, especially in just 5 months.  I have really accomplished more than I ever thought possible.  Just Zumba all on it's on kicked my butt!  I went from working out 2 times a week to now 5 times a week.  4 of those days I'm doing Zumba.  After football season, I plan to add a 5th day of Zumba.  IICorinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I sometimes look at all the change I've went through thus far and stand in awe.  I'm finally seeing the potential I've had bottled up for so many years.  It has been hard at times to be proud of my accomplishments.  I've never been one to think of myself or my needs.  I have always enjoyed being there for others and putting me on the bottom of the priority list. After reading scriptures and really meditating on them, I've grown to realize I have got to have a balance in my life.  It is good to take time for yourself.  When it is involving renewing your mind and body.  I Corinthians 6:20  For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

I have lost 28 pounds so far.  My weekly weigh in, is in the a.m.  I'm hoping to hit at least a 3 pound loss.  The weight is coming off slowly.  I'm earning every pound with lots of hard work.  I go in the gym  and give it everything I have.  I smile alot during my workouts.  I'm bursting at the seams with a passionate love for what I'm doing.  Like the t-shirts say "I'm in my happy place", that's what you'll see written all over my face in the gym!

Don't think for 1 second that u can't enjoy a fulfilling, happy life!  With Christ all things are possible.  I wouldn't be where I am today without the strength Christ has given.  My husband & kids have seen the positive change in me and have made mention of it.  I laugh, dance, and have alot more patience than I use to.  I also have alot more energy and I'm learning to savor every moment God has given me.  Instead of wasting away in a depression.  I was literally just surviving daily, rather than enjoying even the little things.  It is a blessing to have friends, family, health, & the beautiful art work God has revealed so spectacularly on the earth! It's not that hard to look around and be inspired!  I'm the living rainbow after the storm.  I'm proof anyone can find a happy ending!

In the Quiet Place....

In the quiet place I do go,
To escape the worldly woes,
 I have to cry to release,
All the fears that I try to keep,
It is so hard to embrace,
The positive that has replaced,
That person that once was,
Has been showered with grace,
I go to find a peace within,
That only Christ does send,

Written by:  Me

Looking in the Mirror

Well I had Zumba last night & really enjoyed the intense workout.  I however didn't enjoy being in the very front and in front of the mirror!  In the Zumba class there is a mirror on all 4 walls.  I usually get a spot in the back and try not to look in  the mirror, but at the instructor.  Well last night I had no choice, and was put right in front, up close & personal with the mirror!  I found myself for the 1st time in Zumba class, being extremely critical of the person I saw in the mirror!  In my very 1st Zumba class I realized I was the biggest girl in the class, but didn't let that determine how I worked out.  I decided I was giving it everything I had, and didn't hold anything back!  I knew right after that 1st Zumba class, that I would be at every class I could possibly make.  The instructor after class let me know how impressed she was with my moves.  I laughed and said well I have moves, just not sure their the right moves.  She then in turn laughed, but replied with encouraging words, letting me know that she was proud of me.  Made me feel good and excited to take the class again!

Now back to the person in the mirror.  I really began to look at how big I was compared to the other ladies in the class, and how my moves looked so unattractive in comparison.  I was literally sickened, angry & even wanted to cry!  I however continued giving it almost everything in that workout, except a few of the moves I began to be uncomfortable doing because of being so critical!  I came home and let Michael know about the person I saw in the mirror.  I felt like the fat hippo in the front of all the thin mini's.  I had to take my Zumba sash off mid-way into the workout, because of how disgusted I became.  Michael let me know real quick that he wasn't going to put up with me self defecating.  He said that I have worked too hard to start having that kind of thinking.  As aggravated as I was, he was right!  I do not go to the gym to feed on negative energy.  I go to plug in and receive a renewal of positive energy!  The gym has been a Huge positive outlet for me.  I'm not going to be in the gym again with that kind of stinking thinking!  

I will continue to hit the gym with enthusiasm and give 100% to my workouts, knowing I am changing my life!  I don't look in that mirror to see who I am, but who I will become!  I will be able to look in that mirror 1 day soon in the future and say "Wow u did it"!  U are thin, healthy in body and mind!

^{Matthew 17:20}And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

"No Pain - No Gain"

Before

After 27 pound loss

Well my weigh in last thursday on the 23rd was not as huge as I'd hoped for but, I did loose 3 more pounds.  It payed off to lay off the weights for a week.  I really was excited to see my hard work pay off on the scale.  I always feel like that is my pat on the back for all the hard work I put in the gym.

I'm not battling depression anymore & I do NOT have the desire to eat unhealthy.  I LOVE the way I feel physically as well as mentally!  It is amazing how much better I feel eating healthier & exercising.  I will NEVER go back to that person that dealt with severe depression, anger, distrust, guilt, self loathing, and isolating from others.  I have discovered a whole new person inside.  I'm learning to love myself!  It is really exciting seeing the new me.  I compared these 2 pictures earlier tonight and it brought tears to my eyes, at how much of a difference the weight loss shows in my face!  The 1st picture was taken in April, before my weight loss even began on May 12th. The after picture was a few hours ago.  I cannot believe the difference the weight loss has made in my face!

I will tell u physically I have had to push through a tremendous amount of lower back pain, and other aches throughout my body as well.  When u get to be as overweight as I had become, your body feels pain without working out, but when u add the workouts u really feel the pain.   Especially after a ZUMBA class I have to take 2 ibuprofen to be able to sleep some what comfortably.  I don't go into the workouts 1/2 heartedly, I give it everything and I know that is why the pain can be so intense.  I have NOT and will NOT let the pain slow me down!  I tell myself every night I lay down from a workout in a tremendous amount of pain "No pain - No gain".  It's like with anything in life u have to earn it to appreciate it fully!  I am working very hard and in spite of the pain, I still absolutely 100% enjoy the gym.

I had another weigh in yesterday the 30th and lost another pound.  That puts me down a total of 27 pounds.  I have found a strength within I didn't realize I had.  I want u all to know, if I can have this kind of transformation, anyone can.  The key to weight loss is finding the inner person, facing the past pain, and moving forward in a positive direction.  If u do NOT have the mental transformation, the physical transformation will NOT last!  U cannot dwell on past pain, but face it, and heal from it!  U cannot live a healthy future dwelling on old wounds.  Trust me I know personally and  took the long journey to figuring that out!
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in his love; he will exult over you with loud singing

Kicking butt in the gym...

Well I know I'm going to weigh in thursday morning and be shocked at the amount of weight loss.  I believe this weigh in will be the biggest yet.  I layed off the weights till after the weigh in.  Just been doing nothing but cardio!  I did a 5 mile cardio last night on the stationary bike ~ that's probably my favorite piece of equipment in the gym. 

I did my Zumba tonight and the instructor added a couple of new songs.  One in particular was so cool, it had us doing jab's in it ~ talk about fun!  Each time I go into the Zumba class, I'm even more excited about doing it.  It was really neat to change up the routine tonight!

I haven't been logging a food journal, but really watching what I'm eating even closer.  I have increased my water alot this week.  Every time anyone sees me I'm holding a bottle of water!  I also have been choosing more veggies over fruit.  I still am eating fruit, just not as much.  Physically my endurance has gotten so much better.  I only had to stop once for a about a minute in Zumba tonight, as opposed to 5 times before.  I'm thinking about trying a new class that is an hour before a zumba class next tuesday.  It is called sculpt & tone.  It is suppose to really help tone your body and help u loose inches.  I'm just concerned about doing it back to back with my Zumba.  I'll be sure and let u know If I try it.

Well I'm wore out and my lower back is killing me!  I'm off to take a hot shower and get ready for bed.

Finding the Inner Eye of The Tiger

I find it hard at times to fight the old ways that got me to the 291 pounds.  I was a stress eater and would turn to food for comfort instead of anything else.  I let some situations affect me so greatly at times, that I literally feel like I'm going to get physically ill or like I have a really bad ulcer in my stomach.  I have never liked hurting people's feelings, especially people I consider near and dear to my heart.  When I was younger especially, but even now I fight the overpowering guilt of wanting to be a people pleaser, even at the cost of loosing myself.  I cannot fall trap to that thinking.  I have to love people and pray for them, but I can't just let that overpower me to where it is harmful to the healthy person I am becoming.

One of the hardest things for me through this healthy journey to finding me, is reprogramming  a healthy mind.  I am a very tender hearted person.  Other's don't always see that side of me, because I don't like showing my vulnerability.  I know in some ways that is a good quality, and I don't want to go to the extreme of being hard hearted either.  I just have to find the balance of NOT allowing bumps in the road to get me back to that emotionally crippled place I once was.

Part of my character that has been changing for the positive is learning to trust others and NOT allowing myself to self sabotage when I feel threatened.  I'm so scared of being rejected and hurt that I sometimes want to say " Oh no I'm putting a wall up and NO one is getting in".  I sometimes feel it best to NOT be hurt at all, rather than take the chance, trust and be hurt one more time.  Sometimes the pain just doesn't seem worth it to me.  I can't be responsible for others actions or lack thereof.

When I start feeling overwhelmed and not able to process a situation, the 1st thing I want to do is go to the gym and get a workout!  My 1st thought before May 12th, would have been to go to the kitchen and just see what I could down the quickest and what was the most unhealthy to ingest.  That is one aspect that has changed for the better on this journey.  I do NOT want to turn to food for comfort any longer.  I still find it extremely hard though to turn to a person for comfort.  I do have many genuine friends that I know are there any time I need them, but I can't bring myself to reach out to any of them in these type of moments.  I can't really say why, and that is something I'm really trying to figure out.  I guess 1 thing is I always feel like I need to be super woman and not show, that in so many ways, I'm really just a weak human, trying to make the best out of the life I've been given.  I'm crying deeply as I type these words.  It is so hard to admit your faults, especially when u have no idea how to fix them or truly what makes u feel the way u do.

I refuse to be one of the stories that someone has lost all their weight, just to gain it all back, due to not learning to deal with things emotionally in a healthy way.  I will find my inner eye of the tiger and push through the hard times.  I will be a success story!  I will find the inner strength that doesn't come from me, but Christ!
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Major Bummer

Well this picture shows exactly how I feel!  I had my weigh in today and much to my disappointment gained a pound.  I was so ready to cry on the scale.  Especially as I began to think of all the hard work I've put in the gym.  The whole purpose of going every other week to weigh in, instead of weekly was to not be disappointed.  Well I definetly proved today on the scale not to go by that anymore.

I've had to take a step back and closely analyze just what I need to tweek to get on the track of loosing more weight.  I have NOT come this far to let this be a stumbling block!  After thinking about how I've been eating and how much water intake I'm getting, I've realized I need to make some changes!  I haven't been getting the water amount a day I need, and I have struggled getting the calories in a day I should have.  I also haven't been eating near the fruits and veggies in a day my body needs.  Believe it or not u have to fuel your body with food to loose weight.  It's so strange going from living to eat, to now eating to live.  It's amazing how a positive perspective on food can make all the difference on being healthy.  I NEVER thought I would say I actually get sick of food!  I know CRAZY right!  Especially coming from someone who is severely overweight, and LOVED food!  It is true though, and that's what has now got me to the point of actually gaining a pound.

I'm not going to sugar coat things!  It is what it is.  I've gained a pound and now I've got to start from scratch and really pay attention to everything more closely.  I know mental stress plays a big role in weight loss as well.  I shared on yesterdays post, that I hit a mental plateau a week ago.  I guess I wasn't being completely honest with myself.  I think I'm still there in my mind and I've got to figure out how to get back on track.  I think I need to go from working out 3 to 4 times a week to maybe 2 times a day 4 days a week.  I know some are thinking ~ well maybe u gained muscle.  I asked myself that too, but don't want to use that as an excuse.  Instead I'm using it to be a reality check, and hit this weight loss with an even stronger desire!

I changed my shot up today from straight b12/lipo to b12/lip/hcg.  I'm really hoping this will help kick my metabolism into gear and help on my aggressive workouts and eating habits.  I do NOT lean to the shots to loose the weight for me.  I use it for a boost to what I'm already doing.  I have hypothyroidism and have noticed the b12 shot makes such a huge difference in my energy.  I think I will be going back to weekly weigh in's.  I seriously need the b12 shots DAILY, but they won't allow that....lol.  That sure would be cool to be as active as the energizer bunny ~ talk about loosing weight ;o) 
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

My NEW Passion in the Gym - ZUMBA

Yes u read it correctly!  My newest passion in the gym is the ZUMBA class!  I have a Huge passion for the gym anyway, but boy the Zumba class, puts a pep in my step!  I just recently found out my gym offers the Zumba class 4 times a week.  If u have no clue of what the Zumba is, I encourage u to look 1 up on youtube and watch it.  It is a very high intensity workout, but so much fun that that hour goes by super fast!

I go get my b12/liptropic shot tomorrow as well as do my weigh in.  Hoping for at least a couple of pounds, but I've gotten on the scale and been disappointed many a time.  I have been loosing the weight at a much slower pace than I would like, but I know it's a healthy rate to loose just a pound or two every other week.  Because I got so disappointed on the scale so often, I went from weighing in weekly to now every other week.

I will tell u Zumba is not the only thing I enjoy in the gym.  I enjoy all the weights including, the stationary cycle and the crunchmaster.  My newest challenge as far as equipment is the eliptical.  I have only managed to go 1 mile in 20 minutes on it...lol.  The biggest accomplishment by far, was on the stationary cycle.  On August 19, I did 6.7 miles in 43 minutes.  I literally felt like I needed to pinch myself when I was done.  I NEVER thought in a million years I would be ready for something like that, so soon into my weightloss journey.  To be honest I NEVER thought I would EVER do something like that!  I continue to amaze myself in the gym everytime I go for a workout.  I have to ask myself am I dreaming or am I really doing this!  I am up to 50 crunches on the crunchmaster and I do 4 reps of 10 each on each of the 10 pieces of gym equipment.  The most weight I can lift with my arms is 80pounds.  I know shocking right!?!

I will tell u I am starting to notice the physical changes as well now.  I have went down 2 pant sizes and 1 shirt size.  I treated myself to a haircut & color for my 25 pound weight loss 2 weeks ago.  I intend on treating myself every 25 pounds to something Non-Food.  I have decided the next 25 pound goal is to get my nails professionally done.  I have NEVER had them done and I'm looking forward to it.

I will tell u, I had a mental plateau last week, but now I'm heading into the gym stronger than ever.  I'm just in such a scary place, but the best place ever in my life.  Scary, because I'm really doing this and also because I feel the weight of so many looking up to me, and I don't want to disappoint.  I'm just continuing to do what I know to do. What I'm doing is making me healthier in body and mind!

Galatians 5:1
Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

Weight Loss to a Happier, Healthier Me

    I have been on a weight loss journey since May 12 of this year.  I have been going to a weight management clinic.  I am on a diabetic type of diet.  I get a b12/lipotropic/ shot ~ once a week, and weigh in.  I also have been working out in the gym at least 2 times a week and have increased that to 3 times a week as of this past week.  My starting weight was 291 1/2 pounds.  I am down 25 pounds to 267.  I am doing better than I have mentally and physically in a long time.

 I haven't always been overweight, but have realized that I have always had a food addiction.  I actually didn't realize I had a food addiction until a couple of years ago.  I always enjoyed food and turned to food for comfort, but was always active until I graduated and got married in the same year.  I slowly through the 18 years since graduating have packed on a total of 151 pounds.  I do have 4 kids, but can't blame the weight gain on them.  I actually maintained my weight during the pregnancies quite well.  I guess it helped that I was a gestational diabetic and had to be strict on what I ingested, and the fact u have a life that depends on u to do the right thing for it.  It has taken me years of self analyzing and a desire to want a better life to finally come to the healthy journey I'm at today. 

I battled many things through my childhood that led to my food addiction and many long years of unhappiness.  I endured physical, mental and sexual abuse.  I battled lack of trust and total unacceptance of myself, due to a mother that literally showed no love.  She wasn't showed it from her parents, and repeated the pattern.  The relationship or lack thereof with my mother has been the hardest thing by far to overcome.  I actually thought when she died that would somehow be the magic cure for my lifelong issues with depression, anger, distrust, guilt, self loathing, isolation from others, and food addiction.  Boy was I wrong!  Since her passing in 07, that actually brought me to the darkest pit in my life, but also led to the healthiest happiest place today.

   I'm finally able to say the little girl that once was deserves to grow into a beautiful, healthy women that can love herself and take each day as the blessing it is!  I have learned so many things in the last 6 months.  One key thing to a healthy future for me is ~ STOP dwelling on past pain!!!  It does nothing but damage my selfworth, and destroy the vessel God created me to be!  I also had to stop looking to people and things to fill my cup.  As long as we rely on others or material things for happiness, we can NEVER be happy.  Humans will fail u, and material things Don't last, so the only hope we have is Jesus!