Finding the Inner Eye of The Tiger

I find it hard at times to fight the old ways that got me to the 291 pounds.  I was a stress eater and would turn to food for comfort instead of anything else.  I let some situations affect me so greatly at times, that I literally feel like I'm going to get physically ill or like I have a really bad ulcer in my stomach.  I have never liked hurting people's feelings, especially people I consider near and dear to my heart.  When I was younger especially, but even now I fight the overpowering guilt of wanting to be a people pleaser, even at the cost of loosing myself.  I cannot fall trap to that thinking.  I have to love people and pray for them, but I can't just let that overpower me to where it is harmful to the healthy person I am becoming.

One of the hardest things for me through this healthy journey to finding me, is reprogramming  a healthy mind.  I am a very tender hearted person.  Other's don't always see that side of me, because I don't like showing my vulnerability.  I know in some ways that is a good quality, and I don't want to go to the extreme of being hard hearted either.  I just have to find the balance of NOT allowing bumps in the road to get me back to that emotionally crippled place I once was.

Part of my character that has been changing for the positive is learning to trust others and NOT allowing myself to self sabotage when I feel threatened.  I'm so scared of being rejected and hurt that I sometimes want to say " Oh no I'm putting a wall up and NO one is getting in".  I sometimes feel it best to NOT be hurt at all, rather than take the chance, trust and be hurt one more time.  Sometimes the pain just doesn't seem worth it to me.  I can't be responsible for others actions or lack thereof.

When I start feeling overwhelmed and not able to process a situation, the 1st thing I want to do is go to the gym and get a workout!  My 1st thought before May 12th, would have been to go to the kitchen and just see what I could down the quickest and what was the most unhealthy to ingest.  That is one aspect that has changed for the better on this journey.  I do NOT want to turn to food for comfort any longer.  I still find it extremely hard though to turn to a person for comfort.  I do have many genuine friends that I know are there any time I need them, but I can't bring myself to reach out to any of them in these type of moments.  I can't really say why, and that is something I'm really trying to figure out.  I guess 1 thing is I always feel like I need to be super woman and not show, that in so many ways, I'm really just a weak human, trying to make the best out of the life I've been given.  I'm crying deeply as I type these words.  It is so hard to admit your faults, especially when u have no idea how to fix them or truly what makes u feel the way u do.

I refuse to be one of the stories that someone has lost all their weight, just to gain it all back, due to not learning to deal with things emotionally in a healthy way.  I will find my inner eye of the tiger and push through the hard times.  I will be a success story!  I will find the inner strength that doesn't come from me, but Christ!
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.