Well on tuesday for the 1st time ever in my life, I spoke to a group of women who have suffered some type of abuse. I am a very shy person by nature and way more of a writer, than a public speaker. I honestly, NEVER saw myself doing something like that, but God has opened a door for me. It's amazing how God can use something that we've been through that was so ugly and turn it around for good. Something I was told that really helped me, be able to speak to this group, was "U don't have to be worthy, just willing". I felt so unworthy and unqualified to speak, but God not only gave me strength, but peace as well. Below is exactly what I shared with the group. The response was overwhelming.
A Testimony of Hope
I had a rough past with many abuses, that crippled me emotionally for many years and brought me to a point, after my moms passing, of much reflection. I realized I did not want the things of my past to cripple my future any longer. God used my church family, a ladies retreat, my husband, the gym, and a conversation with 1 of my sons, as positive tools to bring me to a much healthier place, both physically, emotionally and most importantly, spiritually.
I battled many things through my childhood. I endured physical, mental, and sexual abuse. I battled lack of trust and total unacceptance of myself, due to a mother that showed no love. She wasn't showed it from her parents and repeated the pattern. The relationship or lack thereof with my mother has been the hardest thing by far to overcome. I actually thought when she died that would somehow be the magic cure for my lifelong issues with depression, anger, distrust, guilt, self loathing, isolation from others, and food addiction. Boy was I wrong! Since her passing in 07, that actually brought me to the darkest pit in my life, but also led to the healthiest, happiest place today.
My mom's passing brought me to a place of much reflection. I did not want the pain of the past to cripple my future any longer. In april of this year, I was able to realize, that my mother had failed me. I was never able to trust my mother, which led to trust issues with everyone else. The unacceptance I felt, led me to not love myself. I also had developed a food addiction. Since I felt like I could trust no one, I turned to food for comfort. As you can see the past pain had damaging affects on me that led to the deepest depression.
God used a combination of things to make a positive change in my life. For one, He used my church family for me to learn trust. At my church we share lunch together every sunday. I have been able to sit with my sisters in Christ and we share the praises in our lives as well as the burdens we are carrying. It is a time of sweet fellowship, that I look forward to. We recently had a ladies retreat in april, and for the 1st time in my life I opened up about my food addiction. I felt a huge burden released. I began to dig deep in God's word. A scripture that was profound to me during that time and even now, that I reflect on daily. Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty where with Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.
I found myself having a conversation with my 14 year old son this summer, that would be a pivotal point of change in my life. I was talking to him about choosing a career path. I had made the statement to not ever let anyone limit u and don't limit yourself. It was in that moment, I realized I had that done to me all my life. Not only had I allowed others to limit me, I was the biggest limitation to myself. That discussion led me to see things I never had seen before in myself. That night I had a conversation with my husband and I made a life changing decision to not allow the pain of the past to dictate my future any longer. I wanted to find true happiness and inner peace.
My husband has been a very consistent, positive support in my life. Over the years of battleing with a food addiction, I have gained 150 pounds. Which put me at 291 pounds. I found myself very discontent with that and I wanted to make a change. Without my knowledge my husband purchased a gym membership, and even though I was aggravated at 1st, I started to work out. I started this weight loss journey, May 12th. Even though initially I was apprehensive about the gym, I began to love it and look forward to going. It filled a void I did not realize I had. It became my outlet. A place of positive energy renewal. My I began to reap such a reward of peace from my workouts. Several scriptures I came across that speaks on this. Psalm 29:11 The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace. Also Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. And lastly Galatians 6:9 So don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time. I was able to start connecting with an inner peace that only Christ can give. Working out in the gym not only has helped me with inner peace, but also physical strength, as well as reward on the scale. I am down a total of 36 pounds now. I am living proof, that when u hand over your burdens to the Lord, He will give u strength to overcome. A scripture I had came across that has helped me in those times that I don't feel very strong is Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
The most positive change in my life has been allowing Christ to be the center. Through the healing that God has given me. I've gained an inner peace I never thought possible. I am able to face every day with a hope only Christ can give. He is my joy, my strength, my peace, and most of all my hope.
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