Hard Work Pays Off...

Well it's been several weeks since my last update.  I have had 2 good weigh ins.  The 1st being 1 pound loss and the last week's weigh in being a 3 1/2 pound weight loss!  That puts me down a total of 41 pounds.  The 3 1/2 pound weight loss came from doing 6 zumba's & 2 weight training days.  I had increased the intensities in the last 3 or 4 of those zumba's and as u can see with a 3 1/2 pound weight loss, all the hard work paid off.  I normally sweat alot in zumba, but those particular classes that I had increased the intensity I soaked my tops front and back, as well as my pants from sweat.  I pushed myself to a place, beyond what I thought possible.  It's amazing just when I think I've pushed myself as far as I can, I'm able to push myself even more.

I just got in from a back to back zumba tonight!  I don't mind telling u I am pretty tired!  I increased the intensity in those classes tonight!  I'm really hoping to see it payoff on the scale this week as well!  I've only hit a total of 4 zumbas so far and will only hit 1 more tomorrow night for this weeks weigh in.  So I will actually be short 1 zumba compared to last weeks.  However, I have increased the intensity in all these zumba's.  I have only hit the weights 1 time, so far, and won't again till after weigh in.  I have stuck really close to my 1700 calorie intake and have been sure to take in plenty of water daily as well!  Not sure if I've shared how I eat, so here is a little of what I do.  I try to get 6 fruits & veggies in a day.  I do NOT eat fried foods or sweets!  I eat mostly chicken & turkey. I will tell u that breakfast is the most important meal of the day!  Protein is key as well!  As my gym owner says, more than 1/2 the work u do is in how u eat, the other portion is the workouts u put in!  I've cut out a big majority of the beef I use to eat.  Believe it or not, it has not been hard to do those things.  The biggest challenge for me is anytime I make homemade rice & gravy or homemade potatoes of any kind.  Those are 2 of my hardest temptation!  Those have always been my weakness. I have put it in my mind that I can have a little and that's good enough.  I don't waste the extra calories on something like that, but instead on more of the lean meats or fruits & veggies.  I will tell u this - If u have a craving for something have a little bit!  U should not deprive yourself of things u enjoy, just use moderation.  When u make your body think u are depriving it, you are sabotaging yourself!  We are talking life style change, not something u can do long term.

My husband seems to think, I've gone zumba overboard, but I quickly remind him I'm on a weight loss journey!  Yes, this is a lifestyle change, but until I reach my goal weight I am beefing up my workouts!  That's not the only reason for all the Zumba's though!  I absolutely LOVE doing Zumba!  I have been doing zumba since September 7, 2010, and have not once felt burned out!  I have different instructors with different songs and even though I repetitively go to the same classes, I NEVER get bored.  Zumba has changed my life, and I will forever be doing Zumba.  I actually just found out tonight, that my gym is starting yet 1 more zumba class a week!  I, with big grin in tow, asked my husband what he thought about me doing double zumba's on mondays too!   Lol ~ Of course he said that was way too much ;o)  He wants me to stick with what I'm already doing.  I do 1 on monday already, then 2 on tuesday night, 1 wednesday night, 2 thursday night, and every other saturday morning I do 1!  The gym adding a monday night class, leaves room for me to swap up my double zumba nights though!  Maybe every once in awhile a double zumba added on monday night ;o) 

When the journey is made with hard work & dedication, through sweat & even tears, u will appreciate it more!

A Life Forever Changed....

I can't begin to tell u the joy I feel just bursting to come out!  I literally feel like doing a Zumba type dance, from the excitement bottled inside me!  I had a life changing moment happen in Zumba tonight that I want to share, but I want to go back to my weigh in on thursday first!

Well as I had feared, I did gain on the scale at thursday's weigh in!  I gained 1 1/2 pounds, which puts me back at 37 pounds weight loss.  I will say, that I did hit the weights every single day leading to that weigh in and feel like in some ways that was part of the weight gain.  I had been dealing with nearly 2 weeks of migraines, that I am pretty sure was due to my thyroid yo yoing all over the place.  As anyone familiar with the thyroid knows, it affects so many areas of your life!  I also have been battling getting my calories in for the day, due to starting each day with a migraine.  I have finally found relief from the migraines as of sunday evening, I haven't had another one.  Praise God for that!  I am so thankful for all the prayers that I know were sent up for me.

After the relief from the migraines, I have been waking up eating and have came really close to meeting my 1700 calorie a day requirement, I have still found it challenging to get all the calories in.  I know any of u that love food, think I must be crazy.  The thing is I have changed my whole view of food.  Sure I still enjoy food, but I know now it is for fuel for my body.  I have a whole new respect for it.  I use to abuse food and it was very harmful for my body as well as my mind.  Now it is the fuel that I use for my workouts as well as my daily life.  I feel so much better, more than I EVER thought possible!  It's amazing the difference u feel when u eat healthy!

I did a zumba class thursday night, and took friday off from the gym.  I woke up saturday morning, with the knowledge of a zumba class at 9:30 a.m.  In mind I wanted to go, but I woke up seriously battling my body.  As I have shared before I deal with serious pain in my back and it is much worse in the mornings and especially in cold weather!  I actually woke up a little later than I normally would for a class that early.  I didn't get up until 8:30a.m., and when u add dragging, on that I was really pushing it for time.  I literally started giving myself words of encouragement to be able to push through the pain and go to the zumba class.  I was saying these 2 particular phrases over and over to myself as I wound up making it to the zumba class just minutes before time to start.  I was saying "this is how winnings done" & "with greater pain comes greater reward"!  I was so glad that I pushed through and went to the zumba class, cause as always I enjoyed it, and I was able to find a strength in myself that quite frankly I thought I would NEVER have!  That strength has been sparked and given to me by my Lord.  I'm so thankful for the renewed look on life and the internal joy that I now have!  It's amazing what happens when u finally give it over completely to Christ, and put total faith in what he is able to do.


Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the Word of GOD, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear. But without faith it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
Hebrews 11:1,3,6 (KJV)

I took the day off sunday in the gym, but hit a zumba class monday night, and tuesday night I hit 2 back to back!   As u can see I completely layed off the weights for this weigh in.

Now, on to the life changing moment of tonight's Zumba.  We had a fill in at tonights zumba class, which is the toughest cardio based zumba instructor I have.  She is also a special friend that I will forever be grateful to!  She has left such a positive impact on my life, that words can't even describe how much appreciation I have!  She as well went through a weight loss journey and is at her goal weight.  She knows 1st hand the challenges that comes with weight loss.  Probably a little over a month or so back, she added a song to her class, that within a few minutes, of it playing moved me.  The song is "I can transform ya" by: Chris Brown.  The words of I can transform u, made me connect in my mind, that I was being transformed through this weight loss journey.  That I was actually doing it!  I began to get a bit emotional in that class, but had to hold back until the end of the class.  I went up to the instructor (my friend) and let her know how she had reinspired me to push through the pain, emotionally and physically and that I appreciated her dedication to instructing zumba.  I let her know that words couldn't truly describe how she had impacted my life!  As I was speaking to her about this, I began to cry and I could see it touched her as well.  It was tears of joy!  That I finally was transforming into someone I thought would NEVER be!  She let me know that she had choreographed that song for a dear friend of hers that had also went through a weight loss journey.  Her friend liked the song for the exact reason I had described to her.  I thought that, was the coolest thing, and I've continually looked forward to going to her class to rock to that song!  Tonight's class, I'm going to try as best as I can to put into words the emotion I felt!  As we were a little more than 1/2 way through the class, we started the song "I can transform ya".   The instructor (my friend) came down off the platform, and on one of my very favorite parts of the song began to do the moves with me!  I could hear just about everyone in the room cheering with excitement as me and her rocked a few minutes to those moves.  In those moments it was as if she and I were the only 2 people in the room, and so many floods of emotion ran through me.  I was thinking how cool, that she came right by me, on the very song, that she knew hit me, on such a personal level.  On top of that, I was keeping up, smiling, enjoying every second of it!  Also reflecting in my mind on "WOW" ~ Johnell u are there!  You are experiencing true FREEDOM from all the bondages that life in the past had on u!  True Joy, happiness, peace & strength were mine!  This is reward beyond the scale!  This is the reward that I so desperately was seeking for so, so long!  For so long I searched for my worth in others words or deeds!  I have finally found my worth in Christ!  I have an inner strength now and I'm so excited for what my future holds!

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the [Lord], thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.  Jeremiah 29:11

A New Year - A New Me

Well it's been almost a month since my last journal post, so I felt it was time to write a new entry.  I am down a total of 38 1/2 pounds, as of my weigh in on the 23rd of december.  The weight is still coming off very slowly and can be quite frustrating at times.  I have continued to push through, as this is a life commitment to becoming the new healthy me!

I am still doing Zumba classes faithfully, but due to the holidays haven't had near the classes I am use to.  I'm hoping to get back in the groove of working out more faithfully now that the holidays are over.  I can't say I'm burnt out at all, just going through a dark pit!  I'm not only battling my body now, but my thyroid as well.  I had a meltdown a few days ago.  I know things don't come easy, and the harder u have to work for them, the more u appreciate them.  The 38 1/2 pounds have not by any means come off easy, and I've had to work for every pound!  I am dreading this weeks weigh in, because I know my thyroid is out of whack!  I have more than likely gained, but I will NOT let that slow my journey down.  I have been a bit emotional the past few weeks as well as slacked on my workouts.  Geez, maybe that goes hand in hand!!!  I should NOT have slacked so much on my workouts, but I have.  This week ~ I say "BRING on the ZUMBA"!!!  I have been faithful to the weights & crunches though.  The scale may disappoint me thursday, but I will go back to the following weeks weigh in and have some success!  On the positive side of things, I bagged up some clothes this weekend that I can NO longer fit, due to them being too big!  That was pretty cool!

I have been avoiding myself, if that makes any sense at all!  I guess really avoiding the reality of myself!  The sad thing is, you can't run away from you.  Right now, in alot of ways, I'm my biggest issue.  I have been way more emotional lately.  In private of course, not letting anyone else know.  That's one of my top issues I'm still having a tough time working through.  It is so hard for me to admit, I'm not doing well.  I guess more than admitting to others, I'm having to admit to myself that I'm not 100%.  In reality no one ever is completely a o.k.  I've withdrawn again the past few weeks and not really wanted to get out and be around anyone.  It is a vicious cycle, that I'm just having such a hard time breaking.  I do think alot of that right now is due to my thyroid being out of control again.  It's amazing how much your thyroid controls in your everyday functions.  I've noticed when I am around others I am a women of very few words.  I don't want to go back to that person that was all out of control in so many areas of her life.  I really covet your prayers, and they are much needed right now. 

I have been avoiding writing a new journal entry, because I feel like such a downer.  I have always enjoyed being the one to encourage, but I have to admit I'm in desperate need of some myself right now. 

Deuteronomy 33:27
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and he shall thrust out the enemy from before you; and shall say, Destroy them.

Pushing through the wall...

Where to begin.....Well I have not lost any weight in over 3 weeks.  On November 18th I had no loss no gain.  On November 24th gained a pound.  On December 2nd no loss or gain, but on that visit I actually had an appointment and discussed my concerns. I explained that I drink lots of water and just occasional tea.  That I eat very healthy, and workout in the gym at least 6 times a week, which includes 5 to 6 Zumba classes a week. I did explain I've had some normal emotional upset, that I'm trying to process.  She thought that it was probably my thryoid out of sinc.  She also suggested me adding something with my B12 shot called slim.  It is a fat burner, with lots of extra b vitamins. She ordered a TSH as well.  The last one I had done was on August 2nd.  The level was the best it had ever been, without being too low.  The TSH was .63.  I got my results from the test that was just ran and found out it was too low.  The TSH was .06.  So I'm going from 200 mcg of levothyroxine to 150 mcg.  My 1st pill of the new dose was today.   Please say a little prayer for me that my thryoid will stay within the normal range and not go to high again.

As I had mentioned earlier, I have been dealing with several emotional issues. One being the fact I haven't lost any weight in almost a month, but in fact gained a pound.  I'm also frustrated with my body physically getting in the way in the gym.  You are probably wondering what on earth I'm talking about.  It's something I don't mention often, but that I have dealt with chronically throughout this weight loss journey ~ PAIN!  I deal with pain 24 hrs. 7 days a week.  I don't really feel the pain until I stop and sit, & especially when I lay down at night!  I'm noticing a few problem areas. One in particular is my lower back, but a few others are my knees and feet!  I will not and can't let the pain in my body slow me down!  I really push myself to a limit beyond what I think I can handle.  I try to leave it all in the gym, leaving knowing I couldn't give it one more ounce of energy!  That's what has been so hard about not loosing any weight for almost a month.  When u give it every possible ounce of your being and then some, as well as eating right, it is very frustrating to see no results on the scale.  I'm constantly reminding myself about the post I wrote on the rewards beyond the scale, and that is obviously what has kept me going.  I know I'm not on a journey just of weight loss, but life change! 

Due to the pain I deal with in my lower back, I cannot do any jumping in the Zumba classes!  I got so frustrated tonight in my Zumba class, that I actually left out and didn't finish!  I really had a melt down!  I want so badly to be able to do exactly what the instructor does, that when I realize, that is not completely possible right now, I actually get angry at my ownself!  I get frustrated that I allowed myself to get to this point, that my body literally is holding me back.  I know I did not gain all this weight overnight and it will take time to get the rest of the weight off.  I'm just trying to figure out why on earth I couldn't see what everyone else sees.  Why I let myself get so self destructive!  I guess because I've had such a healthy mind transformation, I just can't grasp why I didn't see my potential back then.  I still struggle seeing it now at times.  I know that quitting will NEVER be an option!  I've started something I completely intend to not only finish, but continue giving 100%.

A sweet new friend I've met in Zumba made a point to find me after Zumba class.  See, I did not leave the gym when I walked out of the class!  I actually went and did my 50 crunches, and did some weight equipment.  This dear friend shared some very needed words of wisdom & encouragement.  The 1st thing she said was she did not want me quitting!  I laughed and let her know that is not an option.  She then let me know, something I had no idea of.  That there are many women in my Zumba class that have made it clear to her, that they are inspired by me.  When they don't feel like they can do anymore they look at me and say if she can, so can I.  I guess it has alot to do with me being the biggest in the class.  I'm sure they realize the more weight u sling around in the class the harder it physically has to be.  They are so right, but I never show it!  For the moves I can do, I give it my all.  The ones I still can't do, I improvise and continue plugging along! 

I have not lost my passion for the gym by any means!  I absolutely still love to workout!  I just am frustrated with my physical limitations.  I know it's only a matter of time I will be able to look back and say WOW u really worked through it and look what u can do now.  I also realize I have came a very long way!  I have to remind myself frequently to embrace the accomplishments thus far!  Seems like it has been a long time, but when u sit and look at it - 7 months and 35 pounds lighter (due to the 1 pound gain), is a pretty cool accomplishement!  I really hope I haven't let anyone down.  I am human, so I will have bumps along the road!  I just can't allow it to be a complete road block, but rather a time to reflect and continue pushing through!

Colossians 3:23 
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,

True Freedom

Well on tuesday for the 1st time ever in my life, I spoke to a group of women who have suffered some type of abuse.  I am a very shy person by nature and way more of a writer, than a public speaker.   I honestly, NEVER saw myself doing something like that, but God has opened a door for me.  It's amazing how God can use something that we've been through that was so ugly and turn it around for good.  Something I was told that really helped me, be able to speak to this group, was "U don't have to be worthy, just willing".  I felt so unworthy and unqualified to speak, but God not only gave me strength, but peace as well.  Below is exactly what I shared with the group.  The response was overwhelming.

                                                           A Testimony of Hope

I had a rough past with many abuses, that crippled me emotionally for many years and brought me to a point, after my moms passing, of much reflection.  I realized I did not want the things of my past to cripple my future any longer.  God used my church family, a ladies retreat, my husband, the gym, and a conversation with 1 of my sons, as positive tools to bring me to a much healthier place, both physically, emotionally and most importantly, spiritually.

I battled many things through my childhood.  I endured physical, mental, and sexual abuse.  I battled lack of trust and total unacceptance of myself, due to a mother that showed no love.  She wasn't showed it from her parents and repeated the pattern.  The relationship or lack thereof with my mother has been the hardest thing by far to overcome.  I actually thought when she died that would somehow be the magic cure for my lifelong issues with depression, anger, distrust, guilt, self loathing, isolation from others, and food addiction.  Boy was I wrong!  Since her passing in 07, that actually brought me to the darkest pit in my life, but also led to the healthiest, happiest place today.

My mom's passing brought me to a place of much reflection.  I did not want the pain of the past to cripple my future any longer.  In april of this year,  I was able to realize, that my mother had failed me.  I was never able to trust my mother, which led to trust issues with everyone else.  The unacceptance I felt, led me to not love myself.  I also had developed a food addiction.  Since I felt like I could trust no one, I turned to food for comfort.  As you can see the past pain had damaging affects on me that led to the deepest depression.

God used a combination of things to make a  positive change in my life.  For one,  He used my church family for me to learn trust.  At my church we share lunch together every sunday.  I have been able to sit with my sisters in Christ and we share the praises in our lives as well as the burdens we are carrying.  It is a time of sweet fellowship, that I look forward to.  We recently  had a ladies retreat in april,  and for the 1st time in my life I opened up about my food addiction.  I felt a huge burden released.  I began to dig deep in God's word.   A scripture that was profound to me during that time and even now, that I reflect on daily.  Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty where with Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

I found myself having a conversation with my 14 year old son this summer, that would be a pivotal point of change in my life.  I was talking to him about choosing a career path.  I had made the statement to not ever let anyone limit u and don't limit yourself.  It was in that moment, I realized I had that done to me all my life.  Not only had I allowed others to limit me, I was the biggest limitation to myself.  That discussion led me to see things I never had seen before in myself.  That night I had a conversation with my husband and I made a life changing decision to not allow the pain of the past to dictate my future any longer.  I wanted to find true happiness and inner peace.

My husband has been a very consistent, positive support in my life.  Over the years of battleing  with a food addiction, I have gained 150 pounds.  Which put me at 291 pounds.   I found myself very discontent with that and I wanted to make a change.  Without my knowledge my husband purchased a gym membership, and even though I was aggravated at 1st, I started to work out.  I started this weight loss journey, May 12th.   Even though initially I was apprehensive about the gym, I began to love it and look forward to going.  It filled a void I did not realize I had.  It became my outlet.  A place of positive energy renewal.  My  I began to reap such a reward of peace from my workouts.  Several scriptures I came across that speaks on this.  Psalm 29:11 The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace.  Also Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  And lastly Galatians 6:9 So don't get tired of doing what is good.  Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.  I was able to start connecting with an inner peace that only Christ can give.  Working out in the gym not only has helped me with inner peace, but also physical strength, as well as reward on the scale.  I am down a total of 36 pounds now.  I am living proof, that when u hand over your burdens to the Lord, He will give u strength to overcome.  A scripture I had came across that has helped me in those times that I don't feel very strong is Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

The most positive change in my life has been allowing Christ to be the center.  Through the healing that God has given me.  I've gained an inner peace I never thought possible.  I am able to face every day with a hope only Christ can give.  He is my joy, my strength, my peace, and most of all my hope. 

Reaching for the Stars

I had my weigh in today and much to my surprise I had lost 5 pounds!  I was so shocked & happy I shouted OhMyGosh - I LOST 5 pounds!!!  I repeated it like 3 times.  I was so proud of all the hard work that I put in, and it actually showing on the scale.  So I not only lost the 2 I had gained at last weeks weigh in, but also 3 extra!  I actually hit the weights more than I ever have this weigh in.  I got a tip from the gym owner that when u workout on weights u are gaining lean muscle, which in turn helps loose more body fat!  So, I gave the weights more than I ever have.  I really pushed through to a new level of "feeling the burn"!  I was able to hit 4 Zumba's & 5 days of weights and stomach crunches.  I added an 11 pound weight to my stomach crunches and I really felt the burn on that as well.

From the emotional end of this past week, I had to learn to process the devestation of the 2 pound gain, but not allow it to keep me down for too long. It is o.k. to dress your wounds, but NOT to stay on them too long.  I just regained the mindset of pushing through and continuing to do what I know works.  I was rewarded today by the number on the scale, but the long term is so much more beneficial.  After saturday's workout, I had much time of reflection.  I thought on the fact that after I reach my goal weight, I will not have a number to look forward to on the scale anymore.  This is completely a life change!  I LOVE working out and will continue to reap the benefits from that, both physically & mentally.

I hit 2 Zumba classes back to back for the 1st time tonight!  About 35 minutes into the 2nd Zumba I started feeling faint so I had to take a minute rest and went right back into doing it.  I then felt sick to my stomach a few minutes later and yet again had to stop and cool down, but didn't stay down long.  I finished that class strong!  I was excited that I was able to prove to myself I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.  My stamina, just literally amazes me.  I am able to do so much more than I ever thought was my potential or even possible.  I am proof that all odds can be overcome!  We cannot allow circumstances to keep us down and prevent us from being our full potential and all God has created us to be!

At my oldest sons birthday party in July a picture was taken that I very quickly deleted. It was of  me reaching to light his candles.  All that u could see was my elbow down, but that was enough for me, I was very disgusted! I have been noticing in different areas of my body, the weight loss I'm going through.  I have a few side and front view pic's of myself taken on June 3rd, Sep. 11th, & Nov. 11th.  I was comparing them side by side tonight and noticed several different things that had changed.  One in particular to anyone else may seem so insignificant, but to me was huge!  I noticed the hand to arm ratio has changed drastically. That was a place in particular that I was looking forward to seeing changed through weight loss.  Seeing an area of my body changed by my weight loss had me in tears.  I actually saw my arm and fingers as beautiful for the 1st time!   As I continued to compare different areas of my body that has changed, I found myself so full of pride.  I really am doing this!  I'm finally facing my fears and limits I had put on myself through the years and pushing past all that to see the beautiful girl that has been hidden.  She is no longer scared, or limited!  I now know the sky is the limit!  Do NOT EVER allow anyone else or yourself to limit your full potential!  I have done that for far too long and I'm learning to embrace the new girl that is reaching for hers. 

Galatians 5:1 
Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.
John 8:32
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Putting the Gloves on....

As I finished up my workout this a.m., I was filled with such a renewing!  Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop (eye of the tiger - survivor).  I will continue on this journey, taking every hit that comes my way and just drawing strength from it.  I will not break or give up!  God never promised this life to be easy!  Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.  His grace is sufficient!

This won't be the 1st nor the last mountain to climb, but it's in the valley's I can see the stars!  I will rise above all the obstacles put in my way.  I have an amazing support system as well as a God that loves me unconditionally.  I'm only human, which means I can't expect myself to be perfect!

I went to the gym this morning, and got me a big dose of strength back!  I am more pumped up than ever to hit this week hard.  I will be challenging myself more than I ever have and just look at the overall changes, rather than the scale!  I'm not going to say I don't want to see a big number, but I can't just be hyper focused on that reward, and forget about all the other accomplishments.  I'm a fighter and will soon be a winner of this battle to a healthier me.  I'm already a winner in alot of ways, and I need to continue to remind myself of that.  I am so much stronger in mind and body than I ever thought possible.  I'm realizing I'm doing what I was born to do!  I feel such a natural high from being in the gym.  I get such a positive renewal!  After a workout I feel like I have just climbed the tallest mountain, and I'm standing at the top breathing that cool air and smiling bigger than I ever have!

I was hit really hard at weigh in having gained 2 pounds, and trying to carry emotional baggage into the weigh in.  I've been reflecting on that, and I will not be paralyzed by the negative things of the past.  Philippians 3:13,14 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.