The Mask....

I've had some challenges since last weigh in.  I was under the weather through the weekend and really didn't know if I would be able to do any kind of working out.  I drank 2 cups of green tea with lemon & ginseng a day.  As well as pushing through physically by doing a little laundry and dishes.  These 2 things I think helped me to get well faster.  Don't get me wrong I felt like a truck had run over me, but I did NOT want to stay sick and slow progress of my weigh loss down.  I was not able to workout until monday evening in my Zumba class!  I even went thinking I may not be able to do much, but at least I will try!  I was able to complete the whole class and have loads of fun doing it.  I did come home with a pretty bad headache, but did not regret going.  U might think as many Zumba classes I do that I would get bored, but that's not the case at all.  For 1 thing I have different instructors and each bring a different flavor to the class.  The energy in the room is different as well.  I can say that NONE are boring!  I've been doing Zumba since September 7th, so almost 2 months now, and I still find some moves challenging.  I would like to try and do some of the Zumbathons that have been happening on saturdays.  The most recent was one for breast cancer awareness. 

I've been following this seasons biggest loser weekly.  What an inspiration!  It's been very different watching this season as compared to seasons past.  The reason being, I'm actually not the girl that just sat on the couch and watched in previous seasons.  I've been doing my own personal remodel!   I'm actually able to relate to the pain as well as the rewards from the gym.  Everytime after a Zumba class, when I'm in the shower I say "yep there goes some fat right down the drain"!  I'm starting to see the physical changes and like what I see!

Going through this weight loss journey, I've realized that not only did I have a mask on, it had pretty much became a part of who I had become.  Getting under the mask, has by far been the hardest challenge through this journey.  Even harder than all the workouts combined.  It's really hard to break old habits, especially when your not sure why u have them.  It is also extremely hard to admit to not only yourself, but to others that u have problems that need working on.  I've been saying for years, that u have to have the mental change for the physical change to take hold.  I knew I had to face my own insecurities, and hurts that brought me to that place behind the mask.  Even though I was living an emotionally painful existence, it had become my normal.  I look back at that person now, and I'm in disbelief that I was able to, or even allowed the past to cripple me in such a way.  I had to get out of the mindset that I had always fell trap to.  Being so consumed with fear, distrust, and rejection, puts u in your own personal prison.  That was 1 of the biggest, paralyzing, emotional traps I've had to deal with. Struggling with unacceptance of yourself, makes it very hard to believe anyone else can accept u "the good, bad & the ugly".

I'm excited about the changes that have taken place in me.  I know I will have many more challenges to face ahead, but I go in confidence knowing it will only make me stronger!  I wanted to also thank u all my peeps, for sharing your encouraging words with me.  I'm just beyond thrilled that something I've said has inspired u to start making a healthy change.  Please feel free to continue leaving messages for me.  I look forward to them!

A Favorite part of the lyric in - Survivor - Eye of the Tiger
Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

A Flower in Bloom....

                                                                   The Passion Flower

Wow ~ what a week!  I know last weeks post was about the rewards beyond the scale, but I was wanting a good number on the scale this week.  I really wanted 5, but I earned 3pounds.  I also lost 2 inches in my waist, 1 1/2 in my chest, & 1 1/2 in the hips.  It had only been 2 weeks since I was measured last, so u can only imagine how ecstatic I am!!!

After weigh in on thursday of last week, the next workout I hit was saturday a.m.  I headed into the gym planning on just doing cardio on the machines, and to my surprise after arriving at the gym realized I had missed 15 minutes of the Zumba that had already started.  I had forgotten all about Zumba that morning!  I went ahead and went into the class and got 45 minutes in and then finished with the stationary cycle accomplishing 16minutes, 25seconds/3miles! Sunday I rested and just took it easy.   I Rocked out in a Zumba class on monday night. Then on tuesday I hit an a.m. workout that consisted of 33 minutes/5miles on the stationary cycle and 50 stomach crunches.  Tuesday night I rocked out to another Zumba class and was really feeling the burn all over form working out so much.  I didn't stop there though!  On wednesday I hit an a.m. body flex class, that was seriously "intense", but a really good workout.  I ended my workout week wednesday night by hitting another Zumba! 

I don't mind telling u, I am sore from the tip of my neck to the tip of my toes!  My upper legs in the hamstring quadricept area is the most sore this a.m.  I'm telling u the pain can be pretty severe at times, but I push through it.  I do NOT allow it to stop my progress, nor slow it down!  I even had some pretty serious pain in my knee area while doing the body flex class!  Body flex is some serious muscle training. At the end of that class not only was I feeling the burn everywhere u have muscles...lol, but also was extremely shaky.  I really realized in that class that I am still very weak in the arms.  I do have a ways to go, but I'm amazed how far I have came.  Here is a quote from Rocky Balboa I absolutely LOVE "It ain't about how hard you hit, but about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward!  That's how winning's done!  But you got to be willing to take the hits".  I heard this quote last night and have just been inspired even more so to continue killing it in the gym!

I look at myself like a flower that had been closed off for many, many years, but now is in bloom!  What better flower to describe me now in my journey, but the passion flower.  I am so passionate about life now as well as my workouts.  I'm truly living a fulfilling life now and I look to NO one to fill my voids. 
Philippians 1:21 For to me to live [is] Christ, and to die [is] gain.  Meaning we cannot do anything in our own strength.  We have to let flesh go and let God lead us.  Flesh will fail u, but God never will!

Reward Beyond the Scale....

Well weigh in was a HUGE disappointment this past thursday!  I managed to not loose or gain!  I could just be completely discouraged and quit, but I choose to use it and just go back into the gym with even more passion!  I'm not going to sugar coat and say it's easy picking myself up from that, but u do what u have to!  I've worked far too hard, to just let the scale determine my motivation!

Just a few days prior to the weigh in on monday night before Zumba,  I had a mental plateau of sorts.  I was so frustrated with myself, and what I had become!  I was looking at myself through the distorted mirror at how far I still have to go.  Rather than looking at me and the accomplishments thus far!  I am a changed person now, but it is very hard to grasp the understanding of the past me.  I have to continue to remind myself, that I can NOT live in the past.  I don't want that person to ever paralyze the new me, and all that I have accomplished thus far.  I had to take a look at the fact, I'm not getting healthy in body & mind for the scale reward, but rather the benefits overall.  I'm going to continue working out even past my goal weight, so I have to remember there will be no scale reward then. I cannot describe the well being I have in mind and body now.  I feel like there was a person inside that quiet fat girl that is finally coming to the surface.  The new me is very hard to get use to, but I find myself smiling alot!  I LOVE making new friends and sharing all that I've learned thus far.  I really enjoy sharing Zumba with everyone that will listen.  I'm aware that maybe not everyone will love it, but I want people to feel the passion I have for working out!  I want to be infectious with the good news I have!

It's like with anything, u have to continue to push through!  I will be very open on exactly how I feel in body!  I am in pain from the top of my neck, all the way down to my feet!  I have been pushing through not only soreness, but also pain from being overweight.  I feel like u need to know, that this has NOT been an easy process physically at all!  One of the areas I suffer all the time is my tail bone area.  It literally hurts to sit down, because of the pain.  I have NOT allowed my body to determine just how much I will workout in a day!  My mind has completely controlled what my body is gonna do.  There have been many nights, including last night, that I have to take pain medicine & a hot shower to go bed.  I can honestly say though, for the 1st time in my life,  I'm pushing full steam ahead!  NOTHING is going to stop the journey I have begun.  Even though I deal with the physical pain, I know that the reward I seek has so much more weight than I have ever physically carried.  I get so excited looking forward to the complete new me to come.

I hope u all know that I am hoping to spark even 1 person to make a positive change.  No matter what u are going through, u can push through.  Everyone has their burdens, but none are bigger than God.  He has helped me overcome things in my life through this journey, I never thought possible.  We serve a God in the miracle business!

I would LOVE for u to share with me if, my journal through my journey has helped u or sparked a fire in u.  It is so encouraging to me to hear others success's.  I want u all to know I will always have a shoulder for any of u that need 1.  I know what it's like to feel all alone in a room full of people! 

The Rainbow after the Storm.....

Well, I can honestly say I'm not the same person that started this weight loss journey.  I'm no longer an insecure, recluse, that was letting life just pass her by.  I am so amazed how much change can occur in just 5 months.  Not just in body, but in mind as well.

One of the most pivotal moments, that sparked a drastic change in me, was at the ladies retreat I attended in May at my church. The speaker spoke on - Whom or What fills your cup?  It was in that moment, that I realized I had been searching in vain.  I was looking to people and things, and not the inner peace only Christ can give. Phillipians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Our cup can NEVER be filled with all the world has to offer.  The key is Christ.  He's the one that gives happiness.  People will fail you, and material things won't last. 

One of the things that changed around the time of the retreat, was me joining a gym.  Going to the gym has been such a positive outlet.  Working out is my hobby! Tonight I did 50 stomach crunches, 15 minutes of racquet ball, 2 weight machines, and 1 hour of Zumba.  I NEVER considered I would actually be able to build this type of endurance, especially in just 5 months.  I have really accomplished more than I ever thought possible.  Just Zumba all on it's on kicked my butt!  I went from working out 2 times a week to now 5 times a week.  4 of those days I'm doing Zumba.  After football season, I plan to add a 5th day of Zumba.  IICorinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I sometimes look at all the change I've went through thus far and stand in awe.  I'm finally seeing the potential I've had bottled up for so many years.  It has been hard at times to be proud of my accomplishments.  I've never been one to think of myself or my needs.  I have always enjoyed being there for others and putting me on the bottom of the priority list. After reading scriptures and really meditating on them, I've grown to realize I have got to have a balance in my life.  It is good to take time for yourself.  When it is involving renewing your mind and body.  I Corinthians 6:20  For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

I have lost 28 pounds so far.  My weekly weigh in, is in the a.m.  I'm hoping to hit at least a 3 pound loss.  The weight is coming off slowly.  I'm earning every pound with lots of hard work.  I go in the gym  and give it everything I have.  I smile alot during my workouts.  I'm bursting at the seams with a passionate love for what I'm doing.  Like the t-shirts say "I'm in my happy place", that's what you'll see written all over my face in the gym!

Don't think for 1 second that u can't enjoy a fulfilling, happy life!  With Christ all things are possible.  I wouldn't be where I am today without the strength Christ has given.  My husband & kids have seen the positive change in me and have made mention of it.  I laugh, dance, and have alot more patience than I use to.  I also have alot more energy and I'm learning to savor every moment God has given me.  Instead of wasting away in a depression.  I was literally just surviving daily, rather than enjoying even the little things.  It is a blessing to have friends, family, health, & the beautiful art work God has revealed so spectacularly on the earth! It's not that hard to look around and be inspired!  I'm the living rainbow after the storm.  I'm proof anyone can find a happy ending!

In the Quiet Place....

In the quiet place I do go,
To escape the worldly woes,
 I have to cry to release,
All the fears that I try to keep,
It is so hard to embrace,
The positive that has replaced,
That person that once was,
Has been showered with grace,
I go to find a peace within,
That only Christ does send,

Written by:  Me

Looking in the Mirror

Well I had Zumba last night & really enjoyed the intense workout.  I however didn't enjoy being in the very front and in front of the mirror!  In the Zumba class there is a mirror on all 4 walls.  I usually get a spot in the back and try not to look in  the mirror, but at the instructor.  Well last night I had no choice, and was put right in front, up close & personal with the mirror!  I found myself for the 1st time in Zumba class, being extremely critical of the person I saw in the mirror!  In my very 1st Zumba class I realized I was the biggest girl in the class, but didn't let that determine how I worked out.  I decided I was giving it everything I had, and didn't hold anything back!  I knew right after that 1st Zumba class, that I would be at every class I could possibly make.  The instructor after class let me know how impressed she was with my moves.  I laughed and said well I have moves, just not sure their the right moves.  She then in turn laughed, but replied with encouraging words, letting me know that she was proud of me.  Made me feel good and excited to take the class again!

Now back to the person in the mirror.  I really began to look at how big I was compared to the other ladies in the class, and how my moves looked so unattractive in comparison.  I was literally sickened, angry & even wanted to cry!  I however continued giving it almost everything in that workout, except a few of the moves I began to be uncomfortable doing because of being so critical!  I came home and let Michael know about the person I saw in the mirror.  I felt like the fat hippo in the front of all the thin mini's.  I had to take my Zumba sash off mid-way into the workout, because of how disgusted I became.  Michael let me know real quick that he wasn't going to put up with me self defecating.  He said that I have worked too hard to start having that kind of thinking.  As aggravated as I was, he was right!  I do not go to the gym to feed on negative energy.  I go to plug in and receive a renewal of positive energy!  The gym has been a Huge positive outlet for me.  I'm not going to be in the gym again with that kind of stinking thinking!  

I will continue to hit the gym with enthusiasm and give 100% to my workouts, knowing I am changing my life!  I don't look in that mirror to see who I am, but who I will become!  I will be able to look in that mirror 1 day soon in the future and say "Wow u did it"!  U are thin, healthy in body and mind!

^{Matthew 17:20}And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

"No Pain - No Gain"

Before

After 27 pound loss

Well my weigh in last thursday on the 23rd was not as huge as I'd hoped for but, I did loose 3 more pounds.  It payed off to lay off the weights for a week.  I really was excited to see my hard work pay off on the scale.  I always feel like that is my pat on the back for all the hard work I put in the gym.

I'm not battling depression anymore & I do NOT have the desire to eat unhealthy.  I LOVE the way I feel physically as well as mentally!  It is amazing how much better I feel eating healthier & exercising.  I will NEVER go back to that person that dealt with severe depression, anger, distrust, guilt, self loathing, and isolating from others.  I have discovered a whole new person inside.  I'm learning to love myself!  It is really exciting seeing the new me.  I compared these 2 pictures earlier tonight and it brought tears to my eyes, at how much of a difference the weight loss shows in my face!  The 1st picture was taken in April, before my weight loss even began on May 12th. The after picture was a few hours ago.  I cannot believe the difference the weight loss has made in my face!

I will tell u physically I have had to push through a tremendous amount of lower back pain, and other aches throughout my body as well.  When u get to be as overweight as I had become, your body feels pain without working out, but when u add the workouts u really feel the pain.   Especially after a ZUMBA class I have to take 2 ibuprofen to be able to sleep some what comfortably.  I don't go into the workouts 1/2 heartedly, I give it everything and I know that is why the pain can be so intense.  I have NOT and will NOT let the pain slow me down!  I tell myself every night I lay down from a workout in a tremendous amount of pain "No pain - No gain".  It's like with anything in life u have to earn it to appreciate it fully!  I am working very hard and in spite of the pain, I still absolutely 100% enjoy the gym.

I had another weigh in yesterday the 30th and lost another pound.  That puts me down a total of 27 pounds.  I have found a strength within I didn't realize I had.  I want u all to know, if I can have this kind of transformation, anyone can.  The key to weight loss is finding the inner person, facing the past pain, and moving forward in a positive direction.  If u do NOT have the mental transformation, the physical transformation will NOT last!  U cannot dwell on past pain, but face it, and heal from it!  U cannot live a healthy future dwelling on old wounds.  Trust me I know personally and  took the long journey to figuring that out!
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in his love; he will exult over you with loud singing