True Freedom

Well on tuesday for the 1st time ever in my life, I spoke to a group of women who have suffered some type of abuse.  I am a very shy person by nature and way more of a writer, than a public speaker.   I honestly, NEVER saw myself doing something like that, but God has opened a door for me.  It's amazing how God can use something that we've been through that was so ugly and turn it around for good.  Something I was told that really helped me, be able to speak to this group, was "U don't have to be worthy, just willing".  I felt so unworthy and unqualified to speak, but God not only gave me strength, but peace as well.  Below is exactly what I shared with the group.  The response was overwhelming.

                                                           A Testimony of Hope

I had a rough past with many abuses, that crippled me emotionally for many years and brought me to a point, after my moms passing, of much reflection.  I realized I did not want the things of my past to cripple my future any longer.  God used my church family, a ladies retreat, my husband, the gym, and a conversation with 1 of my sons, as positive tools to bring me to a much healthier place, both physically, emotionally and most importantly, spiritually.

I battled many things through my childhood.  I endured physical, mental, and sexual abuse.  I battled lack of trust and total unacceptance of myself, due to a mother that showed no love.  She wasn't showed it from her parents and repeated the pattern.  The relationship or lack thereof with my mother has been the hardest thing by far to overcome.  I actually thought when she died that would somehow be the magic cure for my lifelong issues with depression, anger, distrust, guilt, self loathing, isolation from others, and food addiction.  Boy was I wrong!  Since her passing in 07, that actually brought me to the darkest pit in my life, but also led to the healthiest, happiest place today.

My mom's passing brought me to a place of much reflection.  I did not want the pain of the past to cripple my future any longer.  In april of this year,  I was able to realize, that my mother had failed me.  I was never able to trust my mother, which led to trust issues with everyone else.  The unacceptance I felt, led me to not love myself.  I also had developed a food addiction.  Since I felt like I could trust no one, I turned to food for comfort.  As you can see the past pain had damaging affects on me that led to the deepest depression.

God used a combination of things to make a  positive change in my life.  For one,  He used my church family for me to learn trust.  At my church we share lunch together every sunday.  I have been able to sit with my sisters in Christ and we share the praises in our lives as well as the burdens we are carrying.  It is a time of sweet fellowship, that I look forward to.  We recently  had a ladies retreat in april,  and for the 1st time in my life I opened up about my food addiction.  I felt a huge burden released.  I began to dig deep in God's word.   A scripture that was profound to me during that time and even now, that I reflect on daily.  Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty where with Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

I found myself having a conversation with my 14 year old son this summer, that would be a pivotal point of change in my life.  I was talking to him about choosing a career path.  I had made the statement to not ever let anyone limit u and don't limit yourself.  It was in that moment, I realized I had that done to me all my life.  Not only had I allowed others to limit me, I was the biggest limitation to myself.  That discussion led me to see things I never had seen before in myself.  That night I had a conversation with my husband and I made a life changing decision to not allow the pain of the past to dictate my future any longer.  I wanted to find true happiness and inner peace.

My husband has been a very consistent, positive support in my life.  Over the years of battleing  with a food addiction, I have gained 150 pounds.  Which put me at 291 pounds.   I found myself very discontent with that and I wanted to make a change.  Without my knowledge my husband purchased a gym membership, and even though I was aggravated at 1st, I started to work out.  I started this weight loss journey, May 12th.   Even though initially I was apprehensive about the gym, I began to love it and look forward to going.  It filled a void I did not realize I had.  It became my outlet.  A place of positive energy renewal.  My  I began to reap such a reward of peace from my workouts.  Several scriptures I came across that speaks on this.  Psalm 29:11 The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace.  Also Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  And lastly Galatians 6:9 So don't get tired of doing what is good.  Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.  I was able to start connecting with an inner peace that only Christ can give.  Working out in the gym not only has helped me with inner peace, but also physical strength, as well as reward on the scale.  I am down a total of 36 pounds now.  I am living proof, that when u hand over your burdens to the Lord, He will give u strength to overcome.  A scripture I had came across that has helped me in those times that I don't feel very strong is Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

The most positive change in my life has been allowing Christ to be the center.  Through the healing that God has given me.  I've gained an inner peace I never thought possible.  I am able to face every day with a hope only Christ can give.  He is my joy, my strength, my peace, and most of all my hope. 

Reaching for the Stars

I had my weigh in today and much to my surprise I had lost 5 pounds!  I was so shocked & happy I shouted OhMyGosh - I LOST 5 pounds!!!  I repeated it like 3 times.  I was so proud of all the hard work that I put in, and it actually showing on the scale.  So I not only lost the 2 I had gained at last weeks weigh in, but also 3 extra!  I actually hit the weights more than I ever have this weigh in.  I got a tip from the gym owner that when u workout on weights u are gaining lean muscle, which in turn helps loose more body fat!  So, I gave the weights more than I ever have.  I really pushed through to a new level of "feeling the burn"!  I was able to hit 4 Zumba's & 5 days of weights and stomach crunches.  I added an 11 pound weight to my stomach crunches and I really felt the burn on that as well.

From the emotional end of this past week, I had to learn to process the devestation of the 2 pound gain, but not allow it to keep me down for too long. It is o.k. to dress your wounds, but NOT to stay on them too long.  I just regained the mindset of pushing through and continuing to do what I know works.  I was rewarded today by the number on the scale, but the long term is so much more beneficial.  After saturday's workout, I had much time of reflection.  I thought on the fact that after I reach my goal weight, I will not have a number to look forward to on the scale anymore.  This is completely a life change!  I LOVE working out and will continue to reap the benefits from that, both physically & mentally.

I hit 2 Zumba classes back to back for the 1st time tonight!  About 35 minutes into the 2nd Zumba I started feeling faint so I had to take a minute rest and went right back into doing it.  I then felt sick to my stomach a few minutes later and yet again had to stop and cool down, but didn't stay down long.  I finished that class strong!  I was excited that I was able to prove to myself I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.  My stamina, just literally amazes me.  I am able to do so much more than I ever thought was my potential or even possible.  I am proof that all odds can be overcome!  We cannot allow circumstances to keep us down and prevent us from being our full potential and all God has created us to be!

At my oldest sons birthday party in July a picture was taken that I very quickly deleted. It was of  me reaching to light his candles.  All that u could see was my elbow down, but that was enough for me, I was very disgusted! I have been noticing in different areas of my body, the weight loss I'm going through.  I have a few side and front view pic's of myself taken on June 3rd, Sep. 11th, & Nov. 11th.  I was comparing them side by side tonight and noticed several different things that had changed.  One in particular to anyone else may seem so insignificant, but to me was huge!  I noticed the hand to arm ratio has changed drastically. That was a place in particular that I was looking forward to seeing changed through weight loss.  Seeing an area of my body changed by my weight loss had me in tears.  I actually saw my arm and fingers as beautiful for the 1st time!   As I continued to compare different areas of my body that has changed, I found myself so full of pride.  I really am doing this!  I'm finally facing my fears and limits I had put on myself through the years and pushing past all that to see the beautiful girl that has been hidden.  She is no longer scared, or limited!  I now know the sky is the limit!  Do NOT EVER allow anyone else or yourself to limit your full potential!  I have done that for far too long and I'm learning to embrace the new girl that is reaching for hers. 

Galatians 5:1 
Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.
John 8:32
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Putting the Gloves on....

As I finished up my workout this a.m., I was filled with such a renewing!  Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop (eye of the tiger - survivor).  I will continue on this journey, taking every hit that comes my way and just drawing strength from it.  I will not break or give up!  God never promised this life to be easy!  Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.  His grace is sufficient!

This won't be the 1st nor the last mountain to climb, but it's in the valley's I can see the stars!  I will rise above all the obstacles put in my way.  I have an amazing support system as well as a God that loves me unconditionally.  I'm only human, which means I can't expect myself to be perfect!

I went to the gym this morning, and got me a big dose of strength back!  I am more pumped up than ever to hit this week hard.  I will be challenging myself more than I ever have and just look at the overall changes, rather than the scale!  I'm not going to say I don't want to see a big number, but I can't just be hyper focused on that reward, and forget about all the other accomplishments.  I'm a fighter and will soon be a winner of this battle to a healthier me.  I'm already a winner in alot of ways, and I need to continue to remind myself of that.  I am so much stronger in mind and body than I ever thought possible.  I'm realizing I'm doing what I was born to do!  I feel such a natural high from being in the gym.  I get such a positive renewal!  After a workout I feel like I have just climbed the tallest mountain, and I'm standing at the top breathing that cool air and smiling bigger than I ever have!

I was hit really hard at weigh in having gained 2 pounds, and trying to carry emotional baggage into the weigh in.  I've been reflecting on that, and I will not be paralyzed by the negative things of the past.  Philippians 3:13,14 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

The Pain of the Past.....

Wow I have had a rough few days emotionally.  I recently had a situation bring me back to that crippling place of the mental abuse I suffered as a child.  It brought back all the bitterness & pain in a flood of emotions.  I found myself very angry and lashing out as well as in tears.  Part of my anger was realizing I hadn't completely gotten over all I endured.  I also wanted to be in denial that what angered me was not the situation, but the emotional state it put me in.  I thought I was past letting the things of the past cripple me.  It brought me back to the old person in me I hated, that allowed emotions to dictate her state of being.

I had my weigh in this a.m. that only compounded my emotionally raw state.  I found myself going into the weigh in with NO confidence at all, in having lost any weight.  Partly due to having hit the weights hard, but also having had such an emotional past few days.  For the 1st time since starting my weight loss, I found myself completely devastated on the scale.  As I saw the 2 pound weigh gain, I began to cry uncontrollably for the 1st time on the scale.  I just could NOT hold back.

Now comes the challenge!  I have to take all this raw emotion and figure out how to continue forward.

II Corinthians 4:17"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory."  Psalm 37:17  "The righteous cry and the LORD hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles."

Breaking Free....

Well at last thursday's weigh in I lost another 2 pounds!  That puts me down a total of 33 pounds.  I have done much reflecting since the weigh in.  On the way home after Zumba saturday morning I thought on just how much I have changed.  Not just in body, but so much more in mind & heart. 

I have found a gift I will forever treasure!  I am a reflection of just what God can do in a life.  When u finally let completely go and hand it over to him, so many great things will happen.  Most importantly, u will find an inner peace than only Christ can give.  Philippians 4:7  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I find myself so excited about the gift I've found, that I share it with everyone I come in contact with.  Sharing my passion for the gym is worth sharing with everyone and anyone that will listen. I invite people all the time to try Zumba if they haven't already.  Life is not complete, when you are NOT living it to the fullest.  For the 1st time in my life I'm enjoying it!  The best description I can give is like someone being stuck inside a house sick for a few days and then they get to go outside for the 1st time.  You walk out and take a very deep breath, and feel the refreshing that u were needing.  For me that's what I feel like every single time I'm in the gym.

I'm so amazed that I'm finally able to live the present and look forward to the future.  I couldn't say that just 6 months ago.  I was so wrapped up with the pain of my past, that I couldn't see the blessing of life I was given.  We cannot allow anyone or anything to steal the joy Christ intends for us to have.  He set us free!  It's time for us to embrace that freedom and let the chains of shame go!  It's time for u to love yourself and the beautiful creation God made in u.

Proverbs 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.

The Call of Destiny......

We were not meant to,
live in the past of pain,
or carry the chains,
but to let go of the shame.

We are to inspire,
and spark an inner fire,
of the desire,
to be changed.

We all have a hidden treasure,
if we look,
 to seek and find it.

That is the thing,
that sparks the fire,
the inner desire to be changed.

Written by:  Me