Time the Precious Gift that has been given....

I find myself wide awake at 3:30 a.m.  I wake up reflecting on so many things.  The freshest thing on my mind is a dear friend passing.  It was very unexpected, and quite frankly I've been in shock.  You would think after my dad & mom's passing, I would realize life is not guaranteed another day.  I have reflected over those last moments I was able to spend with my dear sister and wish I had a do over.  Unfortunately we get no do overs, and the bottom line is we need to spend our time as the precious gift that has been given.  That has all led into my reflection on my weight loss journey and some of the things my friend shared with me.  She let me know I was a beautiful creation God had made.  That I was not only beautiful outside, but inside as well.  One thing that really stands out about my weight loss she shared, was " you are gonna be able to do this, because God is your strength now". It is so hard to get through the tears to continue typing these words, but this is much needed for me to find healing and continue in the weight loss journey that began for me a little over a year ago.  It's amazing the timing of things and how important they are in our life.  I have spent so much of my life, completely overwhelmed and paralyzed in my insecurities and fears.  I have to use the time I've been given as the gift it is!

I have since January not lost anymore weight, and since church camp have realized how I've been at a stand still with my progress.  Now that baseball/softball season is over, I have no excuse to not workout.  It is my quiet place, my renewing, my strength.  God has so richly blessed me with a hobby that has done so much positive for me.  The gym - Oh how I have missed you!  For the last few months, I have been so on the edge of my nerves and just wound up in a big ball of stress.  It's amazing how we make our lives so much harder than it has to be.  As I sit and think on what the root of my troubles are, I realize something was removed from me during these last few months.  God added the positive outlet of the gym in my life and I had removed it.  I realized I have had no outlet, no place of the renewing positive energy, I had became accustomed to.  That was my time, not only to get healthy in body, but mind as well.  I spent time in prayer on the way to workouts.  I would also have a time of reflection during my weight training.  When you make no time for that 1 on 1 with Christ, you make no time for peace.  He is the giver of peace.

Romans 12: 
²And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

This was our theme verse for camp and oh how I have needed to truly meditate on just what this verse is saying!  This week starting monday, I will be getting back to the gym and recharging my batteries.  I actually haven't had a membership since the 15th of May.  My husband surprised me with a 3 month membership friday as an early anniversary present.  I had shared my heart with him the night before, and one of the biggest things on my mind was the gym membership that had lapsed.  He could not have gotten me a better gift!  Financially we have been struggling, so it was completely unexpected, but God made a way!  I don't want you to think I've gotten out of church or that I'm discrediting what my church does for me.  My church is a place of renewing as well.  Unfortunately I had gotten into that place that we all do at times.  I was caught up in the routine and lost sight of the real reason of going. I had lost that true heart of worship.  We can get so caught up in our daily routines and woes of life, that we loose sight of the important things.  That's exactly what I had done! 

I had a case of heat exhaustion about a month ago, so due to that wasn't able to workout.  It was a challenge to get through day to day chores.  I had bad headaches everyday for at least a week after and completely felt drained of any energy.  I was so mad at myself for allowing that to happen!  I have been very angry and bitter over my body giving me such grief over my journey.  I have had the visual of being the terminator and dragging a leg.  Pushing myself harder than I ever have in my life physically.  I realize now pushing too hard at times.  I just can never be that nearly 300 pound girl that laid on her couch, depressed, crying, crippled by fears & insecurities and wasting such precious time.  I will never go back to that.  God has changed me from the inside out and the outside has been a much slower pace than I would like, but with hard work, comes great reward.  I have lost 41 pounds and will not discredit that.  Most importantly I have gained an inner strength that comes from Christ.  An inner strength I didn't realize was there.  God is continuing to mold me into his image.  Something very powerful I gleaned from church camp was from the preacher.  He had told of his wife's tragedies.  She had been in several car wrecks, that had changed her appearance.  Her attitude through that time even till now has been astonishing.  He said she never complains.  She had actually made the statement God is making me more like him.  We go through trials, tragedies, etc... to refine us into what he wants for us.  He sees the big picture, we just see the journey.  Sometimes the journey is more overwhelming than we think we can bear, but God is there for us to lean.

Too dark to see...

Why is the light so far away,
wasn't that long the light was here to stay,
She isn't so sure of who she is becoming,
It's overwhelming, frustrating & down right
disappointing,
She is her biggest battle,
The old wants to hang on to the comfort,
The dark, the quiet, the lonely,
The new wants to be forever changed,
To grasp the light, the joy, the freedom,
The insecurities & fears,
They cannot stay anymore,
She will feel comfortable in her skin,
and feel inner pain No more,
Life will always have it's valleys,
But the mountains, that's what I'm after.....

Shattered reflections....

You know it's been over a month since I wrote last, and it's past time to face what I'm going through.  Been through alot emotionally for over a month.  I'm 1 of those that suffer in silence.  It's a constant reminder of the girl that got to nearly 300 pounds a year ago.  I'm still down 41 pounds, but it has been a long road.  I do not struggle with food as an addiction anymore, but rather battle my own insecurities as well as the roller coaster of life! 

Within this month, I've had the reality that my oldest is going to be a senior and will be on his own soon.  We fitted him for his tux for prom and that was a very bittersweet moment in time, that had me very emotional inside.  My 2nd son was registered for high school, yes that' s right an upcoming freshman.  My daughter has her 1st boyfriend/crush. Three of my 4 kids is in ball, so we are constantly busy, which has increased my stress.  My husband is umpiring, and without saying, most already know the atmosphere that comes with that.  As your reading this, I'm sure your wondering where on earth the workouts are getting plugged in.  Well, I've been having to ask myself the same question.  I've been getting less than 1/2 the workouts I had built up to, because of the chaotic schedule.  I've come to realize this is life!  You have to put your priorities in order!  I'm also needing to balance, the me time.  Like, I think I've forgotten completely what me time even is!  Not that the gym is not me time, but I need time to actually sit in silence.  Let's put it like this, I have NOT been a very happy person to live with.  Mainly can't stand myself, if that makes any sense at all.  Last week was a rare moment in ball season, because of the state mandated test all the kids here had to take.  Due to that going on, there were no games or practices (except my daughter practiced a few times with a few of her friends).  It was awesome to be able to catch some of my zumba classes, weights, stomach crunches, stationary cycle & elliptical.  You probably are wondering if I hate ball season.  The answer to that is actually no.  I LOVE watching my kids play, just don't like any drama.  One of my favorite sports is actually baseball, especially when u get a really close game, with some good hot boxing going on ;o)  I know that everyone has their fair share of stress, but this is my legitimate load that has greatly affected my overall progress on my weight loss.  I'm having to be completely real with myself as well as u. 

Now about the title - shattered reflections.  Boy oh Boy!  This is that "I'm being completely real, raw and open moment".  I'm by far my biggest obstacle to overcome. I mean that with complete sincerity.  I am so insecure, afraid of judgement from others, struggle with fear of rejection as well as fear of failure, very hard to trust anyone - even my own husband of almost 19 years.  I grew up not being able to trust my own mother, so as u can imagine, that puts a damper on trust of anyone else.  I've had several 1 on 1 talks with my older 2 boys at different times over this past month.  It has been extremely hard, and maybe 1 of the harder things I've had to do in my life.  I share very little information on my past, one because it's too painful, and two it's literally too hard for me to believe, so I can only imagine how hard it would be for someone else to believe what I endured & survived.  The few conversations I spoke of with my 2 boys, made me reflect on my childhood, and quite frankly was overwhelmingly, unbearable.  I was very torn and broken after the conversations ended and in 1 particular conversation, could not hold back my tears.  The love I have for my children is indescribable, so to have to face what I went through at the hand of my own mother is incomprehendable. I'm so thankful that by God's grace and good Christian role models in my life growing up, I'm able to be a good mother to my kids.  Now let me just go ahead and tell u, one of the things I also battle in myself is my criticism on being a mother.  Because of my childhood, I had in my mind the kind of mother I was going to be.  I guess I put the scale at a perfect level, so before the day even starts I've doomed myself for failure.  As u can see all these negatives, become a very vicious & unhealthy pattern.  With weight loss comes emotional healing.  I've been healing in some areas and only scratching the surface in others.  I'm beginning to understand that just because I start healing in one area, does not mean I won't have to go back at some point in time and reflect on that again.  It's like a scar, it's a reminder of the pain, but not the definition of who are now. 

WOW - the church service was such an eye opener for me and I had an opportunity to share what was on my heart and how God has brought much healing over the last year, but  I am still a work in progress.  I'm amazed with how God knows my heart and knew exactly what I needed to hear and what I needed to see in the mirror this week in one of my zumba classes.   To jump start that fire back up inside, to not only finish my weight loss journey, but to continue growing and learning who I am and my worth in Christ. My image of myself was very shattered growing up.  Let's just put it like this, I did not feel worth much.  Quite frankly I felt less than garbage.  I know I've had many, many compliments along the way, but the image in my mind was such a distorted 1.  The best way I know how to describe it, is like an anorexic looking in the mirror and all they ever see is a fat person, when in reality they are super thin.  In their mind, over time either through traumatic event or very harmful words, began to look at themselves distorted.  Well I guess that's how I've always seen myself, through a shattered mirror. I see the complete opposite of what everyone else sees.  I'm learning to value myself, the way Christ does.  Like one of the elders said in my church to me at the very beginning of my weight loss "God don't make no junk".  Believe it or not we are precious to him.  I'm learning who I am and learning,  for the 1st time, in my life, to feel completely comfortable in my own skin.  With Christ I have Redemption, Freedom & Victory.  We are not to walk a defeated life.  In that zumba class I looked in  the mirror and smiled.  I was able to not only see the happy person doing something she loves, but I saw the girl who deserved self worth!  I was able to look and actually see an unshattered image of the women I'm becoming.  I wanted to shout, scream & cry all at the same time.  I was able to admit I am actually good at something.  I've very rarely, in my life, if any, have admitted to myself, that I'm actually really good at something.  Zumba is 1 of them.  In that same class after it was over, had a lady come up to me and say I was looking like a pro up there, and of course I laughed.  She said NO, I'm serious!  Talk about a boost I so desperately needed.  Oh how I wish it was much easier, than it has been to grasp, on to the fact, that I'm a good person, with something to offer.  I've been recently asked by more than a few people if I planned on getting zumba certified.  I've replied each time with no - I'm NO leader!  I to my own surprise started a coupon group a couple of weeks ago  - I know your thinking that's nothing.  If you only knew my heart though, you would know how hard, and scary that was for me.  I've Never saw myself as any type of leader and it scares me beyond words, to be in that type of position.  I'm having a blast in the group and am enjoying learning to coupon.  Bottom line is, I have and do, put way too much pressure, on myself.  I am learning just to be me.  People can relate more with someone who is just genuine and down to earth.  Don't be something your not, and expect others to respond well to that.  Learning to feel comfortable in my own skin, is allowing me to branch out and feel comfortable for the 1st time in my life and actually see myself in a leader role.   - I am going to get Zumba certified for sure at the end of this weight loss journey!  I can do it and will rock it!  I will enjoy the life Christ has so richly blessed me with.  We are not promised sunny days all the time, or roses without thorns.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time


You block your dream, when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith  ~ Mary Manin Morrissey

Slipping Away....

She is overwhelmed
so many directions she screams,
not outloud, but in silence
she is slipping, slipping
back into the fear,
slipping back into the dark,
slipping back to the safe spot,
can't go back to stay,
made too much progress,
too much pain left there,
she wants to break free,
break free from the judgement,
break free from the pain,
break free from the eyes,
that so long have watched her,
she just wants to find her spot,
find her spot in freedom,
her spot in this life,
why can't she just be happy,
not caring for negative words,
negative thoughts,
the fingers they point,
with such glee it seems,
they can't see the me,
I want to be,
all they see is the broken,
I continue to cry in silence,
hurting so very deeply it seems,
will she ever, ever just be
happy, free, and just me....

Balancing the Chaos & Finding the peace within.....

In the last journal post, my weigh in's were not going that well.  I started getting feedback from friends and started realizing that they were right, I had gotten into a routine not only with my workouts, but food as well.  So not only did I change my working out for that week, but also the foods I ate.  I had my weigh in on that following thursday - March 17th.  I must say it was 1 of my better weigh in's.  I lost 5 pounds!  I was beyond excited, even ready to jump out of my skin.  I had changed it up by walking 1 mile every day for like 4 days.  I cut out my zumba's, but continued doing weights.  It just totally shocked me that changing up my routine helped that much.  I'm not gonna lie, it was very hard to change what I ate, because I had grown quite fond of some of the foods I was eating.  It was even harder cutting out zumba's for that week, but I am serious about this weight loss though, and I'm willing to do what it takes to loose it the healthy way!

Wow - have I had a full plate, since I last journaled!  Trying to figure out where on earth to begin, without my thoughts being all over the place.  I have 3 of my kids actively involved in sports at this time, so working in my workouts have been a challenge to say the least!  If that wasn't challenging enough, my husband started umpiring.  Keep in mind this is all being done with 1 me & 1 vehicle!  Going back to the end of last week, I slipped away for a 3 day ladies retreat.  It was much needed!  It was a time of much reflection, sharing, stepping back and taking in all God had for my heart and mind.  Leading into that retreat, I was physically as well as mentally exhausted!  I even had 2nd thoughts about going, due to the guilt, I so often  hold onto.  The guilt that is NOT mine!  One thing I have learned since starting this weight loss journey 10 months ago, is to take time for me, even in those times of feeling guilty.  I have to remind myself of the renewing inside I get from taking that time to refresh, refocus, & regain the inner strength, to push through the rough times.  I have learned, that if my mental strength is depleted, I will have NO physical strength to push through.  At the ladies retreat, after each lesson, we had a time of quiet reflection & journaling.  We could go anywhere we chose to.  This picture is the spot I went to.  I'm going to put some of what I wrote at friday a.m.'s reflection time. 

"As I sit by the wisteria vine, I reflect on my thoughts & words.  Have I used my words to heal or wound?  God please help me to have a filter.  I cannot allow the negativity to reflect, but rather you in me.  I feel like I am so quick at times to allow the challenges in my life to weigh heavy on me.  I allow the problems I encounter to have victory!  Help me to open my eyes & heart to what u have for me." Our lesson was over the tongue & the power it holds.

"For the Lord your God is going with you!
He will fight for you against your enemies, and he will give you victory!’"
Deuteronomy 20:4 

I felt almost defeated going into the retreat due to life's chaos.  I had lost focus and my inner peace had been shifted.  Sitting by the wisteria.  It just put me in awe, to see, smell, & feel God's creation.  I  was nestled in 100 acres of beauty.  As I sat there, I smelled the amazing aroma of the flower vine,  felt the light breeze, & just saw the beauty before me.  I began to reflect on just how much I wanted that for my mind.  As if there was not a care in the world.  That God had it all in his hands, and there was nothing to worry about.  The peace that only God can give.  The calm, even in the midst of a storm.


"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
 

Taking the Road less Traveled......where change is gonna come.....

Where to begin........Well this last thursday's weigh in, made 3 bad weigh ins!  The 1st being no loss no gain, the 2nd gaining 2 pounds, and then the last week, being another 2 pound gain as well!  I have been battling myself more than anything else!  Look at it completely from my view.  I eat right, sacrifice time away from my family, and then turn around and go to the scale (the payoff, that shows me I'm doing a good job), just to see, something that in no way reflects everything I had done the previous week. I was doing 7 zumbas or more a week, as well as weights 2 times a week.  I put so much in my workouts, that at times I feel as though I could literally pass out.   

During those 3 weeks I had so many events happen, that I have been very overwhelmed, to say the least! These are the events that happened during this time. One of my older boys went to the doctor with a severe double ear infection (the eardrums were bulging)!  My husband, that has dealt with a bad tooth, for probably close to a year, had to have it pulled after it broke off, and he was in constant pain.  Then my youngest son was running on the playground at recess, and hit a rock with his foot.  That in turn broke 3 metatarsal bones in his foot!  All of this, going on, during the same time as learning to juggle my workouts around baseball & softball practices. If that wasn't enough, my husband decides to take on a project, of restoring an old cast iron skillet.  In the process gets cast iron, & specs of debris in both of his eyes.  He refused to go to the doctor, but instead wanted to take care of it himself.  I literally felt, that, had taken the last nerve I had left.

I have battled my emotions all my life!  Most people never see that, because I internalize.  I am basically in so many ways a prisoner to my own fears! I have been carrying around unbelievable guilt & self doubt!  I worry so much about judgement from others, it literally cripples my progress, I have made thus far!  I have been consumed with thoughts that have been very damaging emotionally for me these last 3 weeks.  I have worried what others must think, given the facts of my weigh ins, and time invested outside of my home.  I have worried I'm failing miserably not only at being a good wife, mom, and friend, but also at something I grew to feel real joy & freedom in - my workouts!  Let's face the facts,  people do judge, like it or not some just do.  The challenge is, realizing I can NOT live my life to please everyone else.  I have to be true to me!  The one I need to please is Jesus Christ 1st and my family 2nd!  If my God, husband & kids are good with what I'm doing, then that is enough!  Who is to stand in judgement of me, and what is best for me?  I can NOT fall trap to that type of thinking! The need to please -  Look where it had literally gotten me over the years.  Into a VERY sad, angry, lonely, bitter, depressed individual just to name a few!  I do not EVER want to return to that person I once was.

I noticed a post recently going around the web.  Here is it posted below. 

The one you called fat? She has been starving herself and has lost over 30 pounds. The one you called stupid? She has a learning disability and studies over four hours a night. The one you called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The one you tripped? She is abused at home. There's a lot more to people than you think.

It provoked thought.  It got me to thinking & reflecting on how true the overall message is.  We don't know what someone else is carrying around inside.  What has damaged their core!   I am 1 of those kids, that in school, was carrying so much, unbelievable pain around! I just was so afraid -  You know, the thought, if they really knew me or knew what I was going through they wouldn't accept me.


I do not share all of this, to gain pity from anyone.  I want my journey to be shared in it's honesty!  These are all real emotions that I'm going through. My journey has been very hard!  I have shed many tears over how hard it has been and in some ways continues to be.  I have to remind myself we don't get a rainbow without the rain, or a rose without thorns.  Life is going to be tough!  Hard work always pays off, even if results aren't seen right away.  A victory is appreciated so much more, when it is earned with hard work & dedication.  I have changed so much inside, that I cannot allow everyday circumstances to take that from me.   I was recently asked how do u feel when u miss your zumba or your workout?  How do u feel if u go?  These were both asked due to the guilt of time taken away from my family, I was feeling.  The answers were easy.  I am upset if I miss and very exhilarated if I go.  The response I got back was "that is what u need to think about".  Your a better wife, mom & friend, when u do take that time.  Don't look at it like a negative sacrifice, but rather a very beneficial 1.  I'm not only helping myself in body & mind, but my relationships are so much healthier.  I have realized that when we are not happy with ourselves, we are going to be less satisfied with people & circumstances around us. 

Romans 12:2     
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
I wanted to say to all my friends - Words really can never express my gratitude for your continual encouragement, love & prayers through this journey!   

  I am choosing - The Road less Traveled....because I know a change is gonna come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHa096VQ8FE 

I am a Fighter

It's been quite sometime since my last post, but I've been a busy bee!  I have had some pretty rough weigh in's the past few weeks, but lots of emotional baggage on my mind to go along with it.  I am keeping it 100% real.  I guess that's my burden to bear, holding onto things inside that I can do nothing about.  I am still trying to figure out how to not allow people or things to take such a piece of me.  I'm not at all saying u can't be a true friend or anything like that.  Allowing people and things, to have a negative impact on my life, rather than a positive 1, is where I'm struggling.  Even though the food is no longer a strong hold in my life, it seems like unfortunately the emotional aspect is still there in some ways.  I have 4 kids so u can imagine the busy life I lead.  3 of the 4 are actively involved in a sport at this time, which has challenged my routine of workouts as well as my stress load.  I have got to find balance.  I've been reminded recently of the calgon commercials.  Just sitting in a tub soothing all the stress away.  Keep in mind this is all in dreamland, not reality...lol.  I haven't found that kind of escape that man has made.  I find peace in praying and seeking God's wisdom in my life.  I do also find such joy & freedom in my workouts.  Lets face it, we all have times in our life that we are just in blah mode, as I call it.  I'm NOT in a depression, praise God, just tripped on a few pieces of life's traps.

This past tuesday I had already planned on doing a double zumba, which I haven't done in close to 2 weeks.  My husband, wound up having, to get a tooth pulled and I thought there would be no way, I could do even 1 zumba.  He however let me know real quick that I was still going to make them.  My instructor was on vacation for a week, so I knew going into that zumba I was gonna have my butt kicked ;o)  This is the zumba instructor that is the most cardio intense.  I was in for a bigger surprise than that!  About 2 songs into her class, a new song came on.  It was Survivor, by Destiny's Child.  It was like a moment in time I will never forget.  Within just a few words of it starting I began to have overwhelming emotion building up.  I began to tear up pretty bad, but had to recompose to be able to finish the zumba class.  I have always liked that song, but the words were just what I needed to re spark the fire inside.  Even though the song is not that long, I began to remember the things I've been through in the past, the things I'm going through now, and see the tiger within. We did some punching moves and each move was more and more intense as I began to see myself as the fighter I was born to be.  After that class, I didn't expect anymore, what I call, life changing moments, but I was in for a shock.  I went onto the next zumba class and after a few songs, I walked to my water bottle which happend to be up front and in eye view of the instructor.  It was in that moment, she had started talking about how Zumba really does work and how there are many stories of women who have lost inches.  She then looks over at me and says  -  you've lost what 1 1/2 inches? (Keep in mind everyone was watching me, 76 women - I was so embarrassed.)  I said no a little more than 6 inches around my mid section and I made a circular motion around my waist.  Everyone in the class started cheering and clapping!  See it's in these moments in my life, I know God is looking down smiling at me saying a job well done my child.

I will be changing my workouts up and changing some of what I eat up to jump start the weight coming back off.  I will be blogging soon about more weight loss ;o)