Balancing the Chaos & Finding the peace within.....

In the last journal post, my weigh in's were not going that well.  I started getting feedback from friends and started realizing that they were right, I had gotten into a routine not only with my workouts, but food as well.  So not only did I change my working out for that week, but also the foods I ate.  I had my weigh in on that following thursday - March 17th.  I must say it was 1 of my better weigh in's.  I lost 5 pounds!  I was beyond excited, even ready to jump out of my skin.  I had changed it up by walking 1 mile every day for like 4 days.  I cut out my zumba's, but continued doing weights.  It just totally shocked me that changing up my routine helped that much.  I'm not gonna lie, it was very hard to change what I ate, because I had grown quite fond of some of the foods I was eating.  It was even harder cutting out zumba's for that week, but I am serious about this weight loss though, and I'm willing to do what it takes to loose it the healthy way!

Wow - have I had a full plate, since I last journaled!  Trying to figure out where on earth to begin, without my thoughts being all over the place.  I have 3 of my kids actively involved in sports at this time, so working in my workouts have been a challenge to say the least!  If that wasn't challenging enough, my husband started umpiring.  Keep in mind this is all being done with 1 me & 1 vehicle!  Going back to the end of last week, I slipped away for a 3 day ladies retreat.  It was much needed!  It was a time of much reflection, sharing, stepping back and taking in all God had for my heart and mind.  Leading into that retreat, I was physically as well as mentally exhausted!  I even had 2nd thoughts about going, due to the guilt, I so often  hold onto.  The guilt that is NOT mine!  One thing I have learned since starting this weight loss journey 10 months ago, is to take time for me, even in those times of feeling guilty.  I have to remind myself of the renewing inside I get from taking that time to refresh, refocus, & regain the inner strength, to push through the rough times.  I have learned, that if my mental strength is depleted, I will have NO physical strength to push through.  At the ladies retreat, after each lesson, we had a time of quiet reflection & journaling.  We could go anywhere we chose to.  This picture is the spot I went to.  I'm going to put some of what I wrote at friday a.m.'s reflection time. 

"As I sit by the wisteria vine, I reflect on my thoughts & words.  Have I used my words to heal or wound?  God please help me to have a filter.  I cannot allow the negativity to reflect, but rather you in me.  I feel like I am so quick at times to allow the challenges in my life to weigh heavy on me.  I allow the problems I encounter to have victory!  Help me to open my eyes & heart to what u have for me." Our lesson was over the tongue & the power it holds.

"For the Lord your God is going with you!
He will fight for you against your enemies, and he will give you victory!’"
Deuteronomy 20:4 

I felt almost defeated going into the retreat due to life's chaos.  I had lost focus and my inner peace had been shifted.  Sitting by the wisteria.  It just put me in awe, to see, smell, & feel God's creation.  I  was nestled in 100 acres of beauty.  As I sat there, I smelled the amazing aroma of the flower vine,  felt the light breeze, & just saw the beauty before me.  I began to reflect on just how much I wanted that for my mind.  As if there was not a care in the world.  That God had it all in his hands, and there was nothing to worry about.  The peace that only God can give.  The calm, even in the midst of a storm.


"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
 

Taking the Road less Traveled......where change is gonna come.....

Where to begin........Well this last thursday's weigh in, made 3 bad weigh ins!  The 1st being no loss no gain, the 2nd gaining 2 pounds, and then the last week, being another 2 pound gain as well!  I have been battling myself more than anything else!  Look at it completely from my view.  I eat right, sacrifice time away from my family, and then turn around and go to the scale (the payoff, that shows me I'm doing a good job), just to see, something that in no way reflects everything I had done the previous week. I was doing 7 zumbas or more a week, as well as weights 2 times a week.  I put so much in my workouts, that at times I feel as though I could literally pass out.   

During those 3 weeks I had so many events happen, that I have been very overwhelmed, to say the least! These are the events that happened during this time. One of my older boys went to the doctor with a severe double ear infection (the eardrums were bulging)!  My husband, that has dealt with a bad tooth, for probably close to a year, had to have it pulled after it broke off, and he was in constant pain.  Then my youngest son was running on the playground at recess, and hit a rock with his foot.  That in turn broke 3 metatarsal bones in his foot!  All of this, going on, during the same time as learning to juggle my workouts around baseball & softball practices. If that wasn't enough, my husband decides to take on a project, of restoring an old cast iron skillet.  In the process gets cast iron, & specs of debris in both of his eyes.  He refused to go to the doctor, but instead wanted to take care of it himself.  I literally felt, that, had taken the last nerve I had left.

I have battled my emotions all my life!  Most people never see that, because I internalize.  I am basically in so many ways a prisoner to my own fears! I have been carrying around unbelievable guilt & self doubt!  I worry so much about judgement from others, it literally cripples my progress, I have made thus far!  I have been consumed with thoughts that have been very damaging emotionally for me these last 3 weeks.  I have worried what others must think, given the facts of my weigh ins, and time invested outside of my home.  I have worried I'm failing miserably not only at being a good wife, mom, and friend, but also at something I grew to feel real joy & freedom in - my workouts!  Let's face the facts,  people do judge, like it or not some just do.  The challenge is, realizing I can NOT live my life to please everyone else.  I have to be true to me!  The one I need to please is Jesus Christ 1st and my family 2nd!  If my God, husband & kids are good with what I'm doing, then that is enough!  Who is to stand in judgement of me, and what is best for me?  I can NOT fall trap to that type of thinking! The need to please -  Look where it had literally gotten me over the years.  Into a VERY sad, angry, lonely, bitter, depressed individual just to name a few!  I do not EVER want to return to that person I once was.

I noticed a post recently going around the web.  Here is it posted below. 

The one you called fat? She has been starving herself and has lost over 30 pounds. The one you called stupid? She has a learning disability and studies over four hours a night. The one you called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The one you tripped? She is abused at home. There's a lot more to people than you think.

It provoked thought.  It got me to thinking & reflecting on how true the overall message is.  We don't know what someone else is carrying around inside.  What has damaged their core!   I am 1 of those kids, that in school, was carrying so much, unbelievable pain around! I just was so afraid -  You know, the thought, if they really knew me or knew what I was going through they wouldn't accept me.


I do not share all of this, to gain pity from anyone.  I want my journey to be shared in it's honesty!  These are all real emotions that I'm going through. My journey has been very hard!  I have shed many tears over how hard it has been and in some ways continues to be.  I have to remind myself we don't get a rainbow without the rain, or a rose without thorns.  Life is going to be tough!  Hard work always pays off, even if results aren't seen right away.  A victory is appreciated so much more, when it is earned with hard work & dedication.  I have changed so much inside, that I cannot allow everyday circumstances to take that from me.   I was recently asked how do u feel when u miss your zumba or your workout?  How do u feel if u go?  These were both asked due to the guilt of time taken away from my family, I was feeling.  The answers were easy.  I am upset if I miss and very exhilarated if I go.  The response I got back was "that is what u need to think about".  Your a better wife, mom & friend, when u do take that time.  Don't look at it like a negative sacrifice, but rather a very beneficial 1.  I'm not only helping myself in body & mind, but my relationships are so much healthier.  I have realized that when we are not happy with ourselves, we are going to be less satisfied with people & circumstances around us. 

Romans 12:2     
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
I wanted to say to all my friends - Words really can never express my gratitude for your continual encouragement, love & prayers through this journey!   

  I am choosing - The Road less Traveled....because I know a change is gonna come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHa096VQ8FE 

I am a Fighter

It's been quite sometime since my last post, but I've been a busy bee!  I have had some pretty rough weigh in's the past few weeks, but lots of emotional baggage on my mind to go along with it.  I am keeping it 100% real.  I guess that's my burden to bear, holding onto things inside that I can do nothing about.  I am still trying to figure out how to not allow people or things to take such a piece of me.  I'm not at all saying u can't be a true friend or anything like that.  Allowing people and things, to have a negative impact on my life, rather than a positive 1, is where I'm struggling.  Even though the food is no longer a strong hold in my life, it seems like unfortunately the emotional aspect is still there in some ways.  I have 4 kids so u can imagine the busy life I lead.  3 of the 4 are actively involved in a sport at this time, which has challenged my routine of workouts as well as my stress load.  I have got to find balance.  I've been reminded recently of the calgon commercials.  Just sitting in a tub soothing all the stress away.  Keep in mind this is all in dreamland, not reality...lol.  I haven't found that kind of escape that man has made.  I find peace in praying and seeking God's wisdom in my life.  I do also find such joy & freedom in my workouts.  Lets face it, we all have times in our life that we are just in blah mode, as I call it.  I'm NOT in a depression, praise God, just tripped on a few pieces of life's traps.

This past tuesday I had already planned on doing a double zumba, which I haven't done in close to 2 weeks.  My husband, wound up having, to get a tooth pulled and I thought there would be no way, I could do even 1 zumba.  He however let me know real quick that I was still going to make them.  My instructor was on vacation for a week, so I knew going into that zumba I was gonna have my butt kicked ;o)  This is the zumba instructor that is the most cardio intense.  I was in for a bigger surprise than that!  About 2 songs into her class, a new song came on.  It was Survivor, by Destiny's Child.  It was like a moment in time I will never forget.  Within just a few words of it starting I began to have overwhelming emotion building up.  I began to tear up pretty bad, but had to recompose to be able to finish the zumba class.  I have always liked that song, but the words were just what I needed to re spark the fire inside.  Even though the song is not that long, I began to remember the things I've been through in the past, the things I'm going through now, and see the tiger within. We did some punching moves and each move was more and more intense as I began to see myself as the fighter I was born to be.  After that class, I didn't expect anymore, what I call, life changing moments, but I was in for a shock.  I went onto the next zumba class and after a few songs, I walked to my water bottle which happend to be up front and in eye view of the instructor.  It was in that moment, she had started talking about how Zumba really does work and how there are many stories of women who have lost inches.  She then looks over at me and says  -  you've lost what 1 1/2 inches? (Keep in mind everyone was watching me, 76 women - I was so embarrassed.)  I said no a little more than 6 inches around my mid section and I made a circular motion around my waist.  Everyone in the class started cheering and clapping!  See it's in these moments in my life, I know God is looking down smiling at me saying a job well done my child.

I will be changing my workouts up and changing some of what I eat up to jump start the weight coming back off.  I will be blogging soon about more weight loss ;o)