Breaking Chains one at a time

 WoW!!! It’s been 10 years since my last post. A lot of things have happened. I am back on my weight loss journey, this time being prayed over and healed from food addiction. Started in October of last year, but January 24th my life was forever changed. My starting weight was 276 in Oct. Feb 3rd I went in for a regular doctors appointment and weighed 262. Over the last 5 years I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes & have had hypothyroidism since 98. At that doctors appointment 1 of my diabetes medications Trulicity was increased from 1.5 mg injection weekly to 3.0 weekly. I was already on the max dose of metformin @ 1000 mg twice daily. On April 6th I discovered loaded teas & meal replacement shakes made with Herbalife products @ a brand new shop called Radiant Nutrition. Huge benefits of protein, vitamins, sugar free & a food suppressant. Fast forward to my appointment yesterday on the 20th, I weighed in @ 243 pounds - a total loss of 33 pounds! I had been keeping a record of my blood pressures and blood sugars over the last 3 months. I was already on the lowest dose of bp medicine @ 10 mg of Lisinopril. After reviewing my logs I was released from taking blood pressure medicine!!! You read that correctly, I reversed my high blood pressure! Because of my blood sugar logs and weight loss, my metformin dose has been cut in half! 1 Step closer to reversing diabetes! You see I wanted to be below 240 pounds, but I left that appointment with so much more.

Funny I weighed myself this morning! You guessed it I was at 240. I have a 1st goal of hitting 220. I have not been that weight since I last blogged over 10 years ago. I plan on doing a jig & a celebration/treat to myself. I will save that information for when I get there.

Today, I found myself having compartmentalized so many emotions. Realize when going through weight loss, you must also shed years of unwanted layers, of deep seeded emotions. So, many bad habits were formed emotionally more so than anything else. I’m a suffer in silence type person. That is what led me to my max weight of 299 pounds. I have always stuffed down pain inside. I realized recently that the cause was the physical, mental, emotional & sexual abuse I suffered as a child, led me to not value myself as a person. I use to get so angry with the saying - “there is no way you can love anyone if you can’t love yourself”! I’m here to tell you, in my experience that wasn’t true. I give so much of myself physically & emotionally, that I can literally deplete all my resources. In turn I have literally found myself ill. You see I know what it feels like to feel unloved, sad, & lonely. At all cost I found myself wanting to prevent anyone else to ever feel what I felt. I also always have been frustrated with the phrase “just choose joy”! I have suffered with severe depression for most my life. When your in that cloud of thinking, there is no way to choose Joy. Depression is not a choice. Unfortunately unless you’ve been there you don’t and can’t understand. What it boils down to is a form of suffering in silence. Years of heavy chains bottled & not really understanding how to break free. 

Jesus is my power source! He has been there through it all. Loved me through the highs and lows. Sent me people that love me unconditionally. My husband has been such a rock. God knew I needed him, more than he will ever know. I have begun to grasp on to the fact, a dear lady Mander once told me “Honey God don’t make no junk”! God gives us purpose in our pain! Our story for his glory! I have began to realize I have value and in that value a voice.  

Left in Silence....

Silence has taken her,
Oh where will she go this time,
It's so cold, dark & lonely,
But she must keep quiet,
They all want to see,
Her fall & break,
The world is heartless,
No one but me it wants to take,
It's so old going through the motions,
Feels like things will never change,
So sick of feeling defeated,
This world I cannot take,
Oh silence why do you haunt me,
No one really understands the pain i try to hide,
I don't even understand that I left behind,

Time the Precious Gift that has been given....

I find myself wide awake at 3:30 a.m.  I wake up reflecting on so many things.  The freshest thing on my mind is a dear friend passing.  It was very unexpected, and quite frankly I've been in shock.  You would think after my dad & mom's passing, I would realize life is not guaranteed another day.  I have reflected over those last moments I was able to spend with my dear sister and wish I had a do over.  Unfortunately we get no do overs, and the bottom line is we need to spend our time as the precious gift that has been given.  That has all led into my reflection on my weight loss journey and some of the things my friend shared with me.  She let me know I was a beautiful creation God had made.  That I was not only beautiful outside, but inside as well.  One thing that really stands out about my weight loss she shared, was " you are gonna be able to do this, because God is your strength now". It is so hard to get through the tears to continue typing these words, but this is much needed for me to find healing and continue in the weight loss journey that began for me a little over a year ago.  It's amazing the timing of things and how important they are in our life.  I have spent so much of my life, completely overwhelmed and paralyzed in my insecurities and fears.  I have to use the time I've been given as the gift it is!

I have since January not lost anymore weight, and since church camp have realized how I've been at a stand still with my progress.  Now that baseball/softball season is over, I have no excuse to not workout.  It is my quiet place, my renewing, my strength.  God has so richly blessed me with a hobby that has done so much positive for me.  The gym - Oh how I have missed you!  For the last few months, I have been so on the edge of my nerves and just wound up in a big ball of stress.  It's amazing how we make our lives so much harder than it has to be.  As I sit and think on what the root of my troubles are, I realize something was removed from me during these last few months.  God added the positive outlet of the gym in my life and I had removed it.  I realized I have had no outlet, no place of the renewing positive energy, I had became accustomed to.  That was my time, not only to get healthy in body, but mind as well.  I spent time in prayer on the way to workouts.  I would also have a time of reflection during my weight training.  When you make no time for that 1 on 1 with Christ, you make no time for peace.  He is the giver of peace.

Romans 12: 
²And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

This was our theme verse for camp and oh how I have needed to truly meditate on just what this verse is saying!  This week starting monday, I will be getting back to the gym and recharging my batteries.  I actually haven't had a membership since the 15th of May.  My husband surprised me with a 3 month membership friday as an early anniversary present.  I had shared my heart with him the night before, and one of the biggest things on my mind was the gym membership that had lapsed.  He could not have gotten me a better gift!  Financially we have been struggling, so it was completely unexpected, but God made a way!  I don't want you to think I've gotten out of church or that I'm discrediting what my church does for me.  My church is a place of renewing as well.  Unfortunately I had gotten into that place that we all do at times.  I was caught up in the routine and lost sight of the real reason of going. I had lost that true heart of worship.  We can get so caught up in our daily routines and woes of life, that we loose sight of the important things.  That's exactly what I had done! 

I had a case of heat exhaustion about a month ago, so due to that wasn't able to workout.  It was a challenge to get through day to day chores.  I had bad headaches everyday for at least a week after and completely felt drained of any energy.  I was so mad at myself for allowing that to happen!  I have been very angry and bitter over my body giving me such grief over my journey.  I have had the visual of being the terminator and dragging a leg.  Pushing myself harder than I ever have in my life physically.  I realize now pushing too hard at times.  I just can never be that nearly 300 pound girl that laid on her couch, depressed, crying, crippled by fears & insecurities and wasting such precious time.  I will never go back to that.  God has changed me from the inside out and the outside has been a much slower pace than I would like, but with hard work, comes great reward.  I have lost 41 pounds and will not discredit that.  Most importantly I have gained an inner strength that comes from Christ.  An inner strength I didn't realize was there.  God is continuing to mold me into his image.  Something very powerful I gleaned from church camp was from the preacher.  He had told of his wife's tragedies.  She had been in several car wrecks, that had changed her appearance.  Her attitude through that time even till now has been astonishing.  He said she never complains.  She had actually made the statement God is making me more like him.  We go through trials, tragedies, etc... to refine us into what he wants for us.  He sees the big picture, we just see the journey.  Sometimes the journey is more overwhelming than we think we can bear, but God is there for us to lean.

Too dark to see...

Why is the light so far away,
wasn't that long the light was here to stay,
She isn't so sure of who she is becoming,
It's overwhelming, frustrating & down right
disappointing,
She is her biggest battle,
The old wants to hang on to the comfort,
The dark, the quiet, the lonely,
The new wants to be forever changed,
To grasp the light, the joy, the freedom,
The insecurities & fears,
They cannot stay anymore,
She will feel comfortable in her skin,
and feel inner pain No more,
Life will always have it's valleys,
But the mountains, that's what I'm after.....

Shattered reflections....

You know it's been over a month since I wrote last, and it's past time to face what I'm going through.  Been through alot emotionally for over a month.  I'm 1 of those that suffer in silence.  It's a constant reminder of the girl that got to nearly 300 pounds a year ago.  I'm still down 41 pounds, but it has been a long road.  I do not struggle with food as an addiction anymore, but rather battle my own insecurities as well as the roller coaster of life! 

Within this month, I've had the reality that my oldest is going to be a senior and will be on his own soon.  We fitted him for his tux for prom and that was a very bittersweet moment in time, that had me very emotional inside.  My 2nd son was registered for high school, yes that' s right an upcoming freshman.  My daughter has her 1st boyfriend/crush. Three of my 4 kids is in ball, so we are constantly busy, which has increased my stress.  My husband is umpiring, and without saying, most already know the atmosphere that comes with that.  As your reading this, I'm sure your wondering where on earth the workouts are getting plugged in.  Well, I've been having to ask myself the same question.  I've been getting less than 1/2 the workouts I had built up to, because of the chaotic schedule.  I've come to realize this is life!  You have to put your priorities in order!  I'm also needing to balance, the me time.  Like, I think I've forgotten completely what me time even is!  Not that the gym is not me time, but I need time to actually sit in silence.  Let's put it like this, I have NOT been a very happy person to live with.  Mainly can't stand myself, if that makes any sense at all.  Last week was a rare moment in ball season, because of the state mandated test all the kids here had to take.  Due to that going on, there were no games or practices (except my daughter practiced a few times with a few of her friends).  It was awesome to be able to catch some of my zumba classes, weights, stomach crunches, stationary cycle & elliptical.  You probably are wondering if I hate ball season.  The answer to that is actually no.  I LOVE watching my kids play, just don't like any drama.  One of my favorite sports is actually baseball, especially when u get a really close game, with some good hot boxing going on ;o)  I know that everyone has their fair share of stress, but this is my legitimate load that has greatly affected my overall progress on my weight loss.  I'm having to be completely real with myself as well as u. 

Now about the title - shattered reflections.  Boy oh Boy!  This is that "I'm being completely real, raw and open moment".  I'm by far my biggest obstacle to overcome. I mean that with complete sincerity.  I am so insecure, afraid of judgement from others, struggle with fear of rejection as well as fear of failure, very hard to trust anyone - even my own husband of almost 19 years.  I grew up not being able to trust my own mother, so as u can imagine, that puts a damper on trust of anyone else.  I've had several 1 on 1 talks with my older 2 boys at different times over this past month.  It has been extremely hard, and maybe 1 of the harder things I've had to do in my life.  I share very little information on my past, one because it's too painful, and two it's literally too hard for me to believe, so I can only imagine how hard it would be for someone else to believe what I endured & survived.  The few conversations I spoke of with my 2 boys, made me reflect on my childhood, and quite frankly was overwhelmingly, unbearable.  I was very torn and broken after the conversations ended and in 1 particular conversation, could not hold back my tears.  The love I have for my children is indescribable, so to have to face what I went through at the hand of my own mother is incomprehendable. I'm so thankful that by God's grace and good Christian role models in my life growing up, I'm able to be a good mother to my kids.  Now let me just go ahead and tell u, one of the things I also battle in myself is my criticism on being a mother.  Because of my childhood, I had in my mind the kind of mother I was going to be.  I guess I put the scale at a perfect level, so before the day even starts I've doomed myself for failure.  As u can see all these negatives, become a very vicious & unhealthy pattern.  With weight loss comes emotional healing.  I've been healing in some areas and only scratching the surface in others.  I'm beginning to understand that just because I start healing in one area, does not mean I won't have to go back at some point in time and reflect on that again.  It's like a scar, it's a reminder of the pain, but not the definition of who are now. 

WOW - the church service was such an eye opener for me and I had an opportunity to share what was on my heart and how God has brought much healing over the last year, but  I am still a work in progress.  I'm amazed with how God knows my heart and knew exactly what I needed to hear and what I needed to see in the mirror this week in one of my zumba classes.   To jump start that fire back up inside, to not only finish my weight loss journey, but to continue growing and learning who I am and my worth in Christ. My image of myself was very shattered growing up.  Let's just put it like this, I did not feel worth much.  Quite frankly I felt less than garbage.  I know I've had many, many compliments along the way, but the image in my mind was such a distorted 1.  The best way I know how to describe it, is like an anorexic looking in the mirror and all they ever see is a fat person, when in reality they are super thin.  In their mind, over time either through traumatic event or very harmful words, began to look at themselves distorted.  Well I guess that's how I've always seen myself, through a shattered mirror. I see the complete opposite of what everyone else sees.  I'm learning to value myself, the way Christ does.  Like one of the elders said in my church to me at the very beginning of my weight loss "God don't make no junk".  Believe it or not we are precious to him.  I'm learning who I am and learning,  for the 1st time, in my life, to feel completely comfortable in my own skin.  With Christ I have Redemption, Freedom & Victory.  We are not to walk a defeated life.  In that zumba class I looked in  the mirror and smiled.  I was able to not only see the happy person doing something she loves, but I saw the girl who deserved self worth!  I was able to look and actually see an unshattered image of the women I'm becoming.  I wanted to shout, scream & cry all at the same time.  I was able to admit I am actually good at something.  I've very rarely, in my life, if any, have admitted to myself, that I'm actually really good at something.  Zumba is 1 of them.  In that same class after it was over, had a lady come up to me and say I was looking like a pro up there, and of course I laughed.  She said NO, I'm serious!  Talk about a boost I so desperately needed.  Oh how I wish it was much easier, than it has been to grasp, on to the fact, that I'm a good person, with something to offer.  I've been recently asked by more than a few people if I planned on getting zumba certified.  I've replied each time with no - I'm NO leader!  I to my own surprise started a coupon group a couple of weeks ago  - I know your thinking that's nothing.  If you only knew my heart though, you would know how hard, and scary that was for me.  I've Never saw myself as any type of leader and it scares me beyond words, to be in that type of position.  I'm having a blast in the group and am enjoying learning to coupon.  Bottom line is, I have and do, put way too much pressure, on myself.  I am learning just to be me.  People can relate more with someone who is just genuine and down to earth.  Don't be something your not, and expect others to respond well to that.  Learning to feel comfortable in my own skin, is allowing me to branch out and feel comfortable for the 1st time in my life and actually see myself in a leader role.   - I am going to get Zumba certified for sure at the end of this weight loss journey!  I can do it and will rock it!  I will enjoy the life Christ has so richly blessed me with.  We are not promised sunny days all the time, or roses without thorns.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time


You block your dream, when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith  ~ Mary Manin Morrissey

Slipping Away....

She is overwhelmed
so many directions she screams,
not outloud, but in silence
she is slipping, slipping
back into the fear,
slipping back into the dark,
slipping back to the safe spot,
can't go back to stay,
made too much progress,
too much pain left there,
she wants to break free,
break free from the judgement,
break free from the pain,
break free from the eyes,
that so long have watched her,
she just wants to find her spot,
find her spot in freedom,
her spot in this life,
why can't she just be happy,
not caring for negative words,
negative thoughts,
the fingers they point,
with such glee it seems,
they can't see the me,
I want to be,
all they see is the broken,
I continue to cry in silence,
hurting so very deeply it seems,
will she ever, ever just be
happy, free, and just me....

Balancing the Chaos & Finding the peace within.....

In the last journal post, my weigh in's were not going that well.  I started getting feedback from friends and started realizing that they were right, I had gotten into a routine not only with my workouts, but food as well.  So not only did I change my working out for that week, but also the foods I ate.  I had my weigh in on that following thursday - March 17th.  I must say it was 1 of my better weigh in's.  I lost 5 pounds!  I was beyond excited, even ready to jump out of my skin.  I had changed it up by walking 1 mile every day for like 4 days.  I cut out my zumba's, but continued doing weights.  It just totally shocked me that changing up my routine helped that much.  I'm not gonna lie, it was very hard to change what I ate, because I had grown quite fond of some of the foods I was eating.  It was even harder cutting out zumba's for that week, but I am serious about this weight loss though, and I'm willing to do what it takes to loose it the healthy way!

Wow - have I had a full plate, since I last journaled!  Trying to figure out where on earth to begin, without my thoughts being all over the place.  I have 3 of my kids actively involved in sports at this time, so working in my workouts have been a challenge to say the least!  If that wasn't challenging enough, my husband started umpiring.  Keep in mind this is all being done with 1 me & 1 vehicle!  Going back to the end of last week, I slipped away for a 3 day ladies retreat.  It was much needed!  It was a time of much reflection, sharing, stepping back and taking in all God had for my heart and mind.  Leading into that retreat, I was physically as well as mentally exhausted!  I even had 2nd thoughts about going, due to the guilt, I so often  hold onto.  The guilt that is NOT mine!  One thing I have learned since starting this weight loss journey 10 months ago, is to take time for me, even in those times of feeling guilty.  I have to remind myself of the renewing inside I get from taking that time to refresh, refocus, & regain the inner strength, to push through the rough times.  I have learned, that if my mental strength is depleted, I will have NO physical strength to push through.  At the ladies retreat, after each lesson, we had a time of quiet reflection & journaling.  We could go anywhere we chose to.  This picture is the spot I went to.  I'm going to put some of what I wrote at friday a.m.'s reflection time. 

"As I sit by the wisteria vine, I reflect on my thoughts & words.  Have I used my words to heal or wound?  God please help me to have a filter.  I cannot allow the negativity to reflect, but rather you in me.  I feel like I am so quick at times to allow the challenges in my life to weigh heavy on me.  I allow the problems I encounter to have victory!  Help me to open my eyes & heart to what u have for me." Our lesson was over the tongue & the power it holds.

"For the Lord your God is going with you!
He will fight for you against your enemies, and he will give you victory!’"
Deuteronomy 20:4 

I felt almost defeated going into the retreat due to life's chaos.  I had lost focus and my inner peace had been shifted.  Sitting by the wisteria.  It just put me in awe, to see, smell, & feel God's creation.  I  was nestled in 100 acres of beauty.  As I sat there, I smelled the amazing aroma of the flower vine,  felt the light breeze, & just saw the beauty before me.  I began to reflect on just how much I wanted that for my mind.  As if there was not a care in the world.  That God had it all in his hands, and there was nothing to worry about.  The peace that only God can give.  The calm, even in the midst of a storm.


"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
 

Taking the Road less Traveled......where change is gonna come.....

Where to begin........Well this last thursday's weigh in, made 3 bad weigh ins!  The 1st being no loss no gain, the 2nd gaining 2 pounds, and then the last week, being another 2 pound gain as well!  I have been battling myself more than anything else!  Look at it completely from my view.  I eat right, sacrifice time away from my family, and then turn around and go to the scale (the payoff, that shows me I'm doing a good job), just to see, something that in no way reflects everything I had done the previous week. I was doing 7 zumbas or more a week, as well as weights 2 times a week.  I put so much in my workouts, that at times I feel as though I could literally pass out.   

During those 3 weeks I had so many events happen, that I have been very overwhelmed, to say the least! These are the events that happened during this time. One of my older boys went to the doctor with a severe double ear infection (the eardrums were bulging)!  My husband, that has dealt with a bad tooth, for probably close to a year, had to have it pulled after it broke off, and he was in constant pain.  Then my youngest son was running on the playground at recess, and hit a rock with his foot.  That in turn broke 3 metatarsal bones in his foot!  All of this, going on, during the same time as learning to juggle my workouts around baseball & softball practices. If that wasn't enough, my husband decides to take on a project, of restoring an old cast iron skillet.  In the process gets cast iron, & specs of debris in both of his eyes.  He refused to go to the doctor, but instead wanted to take care of it himself.  I literally felt, that, had taken the last nerve I had left.

I have battled my emotions all my life!  Most people never see that, because I internalize.  I am basically in so many ways a prisoner to my own fears! I have been carrying around unbelievable guilt & self doubt!  I worry so much about judgement from others, it literally cripples my progress, I have made thus far!  I have been consumed with thoughts that have been very damaging emotionally for me these last 3 weeks.  I have worried what others must think, given the facts of my weigh ins, and time invested outside of my home.  I have worried I'm failing miserably not only at being a good wife, mom, and friend, but also at something I grew to feel real joy & freedom in - my workouts!  Let's face the facts,  people do judge, like it or not some just do.  The challenge is, realizing I can NOT live my life to please everyone else.  I have to be true to me!  The one I need to please is Jesus Christ 1st and my family 2nd!  If my God, husband & kids are good with what I'm doing, then that is enough!  Who is to stand in judgement of me, and what is best for me?  I can NOT fall trap to that type of thinking! The need to please -  Look where it had literally gotten me over the years.  Into a VERY sad, angry, lonely, bitter, depressed individual just to name a few!  I do not EVER want to return to that person I once was.

I noticed a post recently going around the web.  Here is it posted below. 

The one you called fat? She has been starving herself and has lost over 30 pounds. The one you called stupid? She has a learning disability and studies over four hours a night. The one you called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The one you tripped? She is abused at home. There's a lot more to people than you think.

It provoked thought.  It got me to thinking & reflecting on how true the overall message is.  We don't know what someone else is carrying around inside.  What has damaged their core!   I am 1 of those kids, that in school, was carrying so much, unbelievable pain around! I just was so afraid -  You know, the thought, if they really knew me or knew what I was going through they wouldn't accept me.


I do not share all of this, to gain pity from anyone.  I want my journey to be shared in it's honesty!  These are all real emotions that I'm going through. My journey has been very hard!  I have shed many tears over how hard it has been and in some ways continues to be.  I have to remind myself we don't get a rainbow without the rain, or a rose without thorns.  Life is going to be tough!  Hard work always pays off, even if results aren't seen right away.  A victory is appreciated so much more, when it is earned with hard work & dedication.  I have changed so much inside, that I cannot allow everyday circumstances to take that from me.   I was recently asked how do u feel when u miss your zumba or your workout?  How do u feel if u go?  These were both asked due to the guilt of time taken away from my family, I was feeling.  The answers were easy.  I am upset if I miss and very exhilarated if I go.  The response I got back was "that is what u need to think about".  Your a better wife, mom & friend, when u do take that time.  Don't look at it like a negative sacrifice, but rather a very beneficial 1.  I'm not only helping myself in body & mind, but my relationships are so much healthier.  I have realized that when we are not happy with ourselves, we are going to be less satisfied with people & circumstances around us. 

Romans 12:2     
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
I wanted to say to all my friends - Words really can never express my gratitude for your continual encouragement, love & prayers through this journey!   

  I am choosing - The Road less Traveled....because I know a change is gonna come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHa096VQ8FE 

I am a Fighter

It's been quite sometime since my last post, but I've been a busy bee!  I have had some pretty rough weigh in's the past few weeks, but lots of emotional baggage on my mind to go along with it.  I am keeping it 100% real.  I guess that's my burden to bear, holding onto things inside that I can do nothing about.  I am still trying to figure out how to not allow people or things to take such a piece of me.  I'm not at all saying u can't be a true friend or anything like that.  Allowing people and things, to have a negative impact on my life, rather than a positive 1, is where I'm struggling.  Even though the food is no longer a strong hold in my life, it seems like unfortunately the emotional aspect is still there in some ways.  I have 4 kids so u can imagine the busy life I lead.  3 of the 4 are actively involved in a sport at this time, which has challenged my routine of workouts as well as my stress load.  I have got to find balance.  I've been reminded recently of the calgon commercials.  Just sitting in a tub soothing all the stress away.  Keep in mind this is all in dreamland, not reality...lol.  I haven't found that kind of escape that man has made.  I find peace in praying and seeking God's wisdom in my life.  I do also find such joy & freedom in my workouts.  Lets face it, we all have times in our life that we are just in blah mode, as I call it.  I'm NOT in a depression, praise God, just tripped on a few pieces of life's traps.

This past tuesday I had already planned on doing a double zumba, which I haven't done in close to 2 weeks.  My husband, wound up having, to get a tooth pulled and I thought there would be no way, I could do even 1 zumba.  He however let me know real quick that I was still going to make them.  My instructor was on vacation for a week, so I knew going into that zumba I was gonna have my butt kicked ;o)  This is the zumba instructor that is the most cardio intense.  I was in for a bigger surprise than that!  About 2 songs into her class, a new song came on.  It was Survivor, by Destiny's Child.  It was like a moment in time I will never forget.  Within just a few words of it starting I began to have overwhelming emotion building up.  I began to tear up pretty bad, but had to recompose to be able to finish the zumba class.  I have always liked that song, but the words were just what I needed to re spark the fire inside.  Even though the song is not that long, I began to remember the things I've been through in the past, the things I'm going through now, and see the tiger within. We did some punching moves and each move was more and more intense as I began to see myself as the fighter I was born to be.  After that class, I didn't expect anymore, what I call, life changing moments, but I was in for a shock.  I went onto the next zumba class and after a few songs, I walked to my water bottle which happend to be up front and in eye view of the instructor.  It was in that moment, she had started talking about how Zumba really does work and how there are many stories of women who have lost inches.  She then looks over at me and says  -  you've lost what 1 1/2 inches? (Keep in mind everyone was watching me, 76 women - I was so embarrassed.)  I said no a little more than 6 inches around my mid section and I made a circular motion around my waist.  Everyone in the class started cheering and clapping!  See it's in these moments in my life, I know God is looking down smiling at me saying a job well done my child.

I will be changing my workouts up and changing some of what I eat up to jump start the weight coming back off.  I will be blogging soon about more weight loss ;o) 

Praise HIM in the Storm....

Well, it's been awhile since my last journal post!  I have so many things going on in my mind, I'm hoping I'm able to get them all down on here.  Well today was the 1st weigh in & b12 shot I've gotten in 3 weeks!  I was not confident going into the weigh in.  I felt like I had gained weight, but felt like I had lost inches.  Well my fear came true, matter of fact I gained the most I ever have on the scale this weigh in!  I gained a total of 3 1/2 pounds, the same amount I had lost the last weigh in I went to!  I was upset about that, but was looking forward to the measuring!  I LOST 1 1/2 inches in my hips!  I was so excited!  The last time I was measured was exactly 1 month ago!  That 1 1/2 inches came off, just doing zumba!  I did a few weights here and there and of course my crunches, but did not get in, on much of the cardio equipment in the gym this time!

I have been dealing with several days in a row of migraines, as well as loads of stress & my mind being completely weighed down with things that have happened in my past!  I have had my mom & dad on my mind alot!  As most of u know that have been following my journal posts, I had an abusive past.  I have had actual past events pop in my mind over the last several weeks, but especially the last several days.  I'm not really sure why these things have been going through my mind, other than having different situations happen with my kids, that make me be a tougher parent than I like.  I want so much to be the opposite of how my mother was.  I'm not saying my mom was completely bad at all, I just have such high standards of the kind of mother I want to be, that I actually doom myself to failure before my day even begins.  This is something that has plagued me and the newest hurdle for me to try to heal from and move past!  I had a couple of eye opening things happen last night, that I believe have helped me refocus to more positive thinking.  I went to church last night and part of the sermon was about how easy it is to praise God in the sunshine, but how often times we find it very challenging to praise him in the storms of life.  I was like wow ~ God had me there in that moment to hear those words!  Then if that wasn't enough, I came home and watched the last 1/2 of Rocky III.  Talk about a double dose of eye opening things to apply to my life.  Rocky for the 1st time in his life had to face his fear.  At 1st he tried to bottle it and deny he had anything wrong, but Adrian made him realize something was wrong.  He then finally voiced to her, that yes, he was afraid and discussed his fears with her.  That was the life changing moment for him to face his fears, push past them and become the Champion he was born to be!  Talk about a WOWZER moment for me.  I starting thinking about how 1 of the things my mom never did, that I am actually doing is facing the painful past I had and leaving it where it belongs in the past.  Yes I have to face the issues, no matter how painful, but I have to face them, deal with them and push forward on the healthy journey I began 9 months ago.  No matter how painful, I CANNOT live in the past!  My mom, I can remember all the way up to her passing, lived, and dwelled on her past pains.  She wasn't able to forgive, and heal, and for the record, she had a very painful childhood herself.  We cannot change our past, and actually we are wasting our life away, if we allow that to control our future!  I've been carrying around for the last several weeks baggage that it is time to let go of. I try to carry around so much guilt, that is not mine to bear!  I cannot be consumed with such damaging thoughts.  I proved on the scale today, that it is a negative, that I need to let go of.  The Key to getting through life's Storms is realizing we will have trials.  Learning to push through & then get past them, is the biggest challenge.  We all have a Champion inside of us!  STOP limiting yourself or allowing others to limit u, carry the pain of the past NO more!  Be all you were born to be!  Here are some scripture that I hope u find as encouraging as I do, when your going through the storms of life!

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3,7

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22

The LORD is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.  Nahum 1:7

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.  Isaiah 26:3




This is a song I was listening to on the way home from zumba tonight, that I never really listened to the words until tonight!  Some of the words really moved me, and I began to cry as I heard the words.  I'm posting it below.
Three Days Grace- World So Cold Lyrics
I never thought
I’d feel this
Guilty and I’m
Broken down inside
Living with myself
Nothing but lies
I always thought
I’d make it
But never knew I’d
Let it get so bad
Living with myself
Is all I have
I feel numb
I can’t come to life
I feel like
I’m frozen in time
Living in a
World so cold
Wasted away
Living in a shell
With no soul
Since you’ve gone away
Living in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you’ve gone away
Do you ever feel me
Do you ever look
Deep down inside
Staring at yourself
Paralyzed
I feel numb
I can’t come to life
I feel like
I’m frozen in time
Living in a
World so cold
Wasted away
Living in a shell
With no soul
Since you’ve gone away
Living in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you’ve gone away
You’ve gone away from me
I’m too young
To lose my soul
I’m too young
To feel this old
So long
I’m left behind
I feel like
I’m losing my mind
Do you ever feel me
Do you ever look
Deep down inside
Staring at your life
Paralyzed
Living in a
World so cold
Wasted away
Living in a shell
With no soul
Since you’ve gone away
Living in a world so cold
Counting the days
Since you’ve gone away
I’m too young [x2]

Hard Work Pays Off...

Well it's been several weeks since my last update.  I have had 2 good weigh ins.  The 1st being 1 pound loss and the last week's weigh in being a 3 1/2 pound weight loss!  That puts me down a total of 41 pounds.  The 3 1/2 pound weight loss came from doing 6 zumba's & 2 weight training days.  I had increased the intensities in the last 3 or 4 of those zumba's and as u can see with a 3 1/2 pound weight loss, all the hard work paid off.  I normally sweat alot in zumba, but those particular classes that I had increased the intensity I soaked my tops front and back, as well as my pants from sweat.  I pushed myself to a place, beyond what I thought possible.  It's amazing just when I think I've pushed myself as far as I can, I'm able to push myself even more.

I just got in from a back to back zumba tonight!  I don't mind telling u I am pretty tired!  I increased the intensity in those classes tonight!  I'm really hoping to see it payoff on the scale this week as well!  I've only hit a total of 4 zumbas so far and will only hit 1 more tomorrow night for this weeks weigh in.  So I will actually be short 1 zumba compared to last weeks.  However, I have increased the intensity in all these zumba's.  I have only hit the weights 1 time, so far, and won't again till after weigh in.  I have stuck really close to my 1700 calorie intake and have been sure to take in plenty of water daily as well!  Not sure if I've shared how I eat, so here is a little of what I do.  I try to get 6 fruits & veggies in a day.  I do NOT eat fried foods or sweets!  I eat mostly chicken & turkey. I will tell u that breakfast is the most important meal of the day!  Protein is key as well!  As my gym owner says, more than 1/2 the work u do is in how u eat, the other portion is the workouts u put in!  I've cut out a big majority of the beef I use to eat.  Believe it or not, it has not been hard to do those things.  The biggest challenge for me is anytime I make homemade rice & gravy or homemade potatoes of any kind.  Those are 2 of my hardest temptation!  Those have always been my weakness. I have put it in my mind that I can have a little and that's good enough.  I don't waste the extra calories on something like that, but instead on more of the lean meats or fruits & veggies.  I will tell u this - If u have a craving for something have a little bit!  U should not deprive yourself of things u enjoy, just use moderation.  When u make your body think u are depriving it, you are sabotaging yourself!  We are talking life style change, not something u can do long term.

My husband seems to think, I've gone zumba overboard, but I quickly remind him I'm on a weight loss journey!  Yes, this is a lifestyle change, but until I reach my goal weight I am beefing up my workouts!  That's not the only reason for all the Zumba's though!  I absolutely LOVE doing Zumba!  I have been doing zumba since September 7, 2010, and have not once felt burned out!  I have different instructors with different songs and even though I repetitively go to the same classes, I NEVER get bored.  Zumba has changed my life, and I will forever be doing Zumba.  I actually just found out tonight, that my gym is starting yet 1 more zumba class a week!  I, with big grin in tow, asked my husband what he thought about me doing double zumba's on mondays too!   Lol ~ Of course he said that was way too much ;o)  He wants me to stick with what I'm already doing.  I do 1 on monday already, then 2 on tuesday night, 1 wednesday night, 2 thursday night, and every other saturday morning I do 1!  The gym adding a monday night class, leaves room for me to swap up my double zumba nights though!  Maybe every once in awhile a double zumba added on monday night ;o) 

When the journey is made with hard work & dedication, through sweat & even tears, u will appreciate it more!

A Life Forever Changed....

I can't begin to tell u the joy I feel just bursting to come out!  I literally feel like doing a Zumba type dance, from the excitement bottled inside me!  I had a life changing moment happen in Zumba tonight that I want to share, but I want to go back to my weigh in on thursday first!

Well as I had feared, I did gain on the scale at thursday's weigh in!  I gained 1 1/2 pounds, which puts me back at 37 pounds weight loss.  I will say, that I did hit the weights every single day leading to that weigh in and feel like in some ways that was part of the weight gain.  I had been dealing with nearly 2 weeks of migraines, that I am pretty sure was due to my thyroid yo yoing all over the place.  As anyone familiar with the thyroid knows, it affects so many areas of your life!  I also have been battling getting my calories in for the day, due to starting each day with a migraine.  I have finally found relief from the migraines as of sunday evening, I haven't had another one.  Praise God for that!  I am so thankful for all the prayers that I know were sent up for me.

After the relief from the migraines, I have been waking up eating and have came really close to meeting my 1700 calorie a day requirement, I have still found it challenging to get all the calories in.  I know any of u that love food, think I must be crazy.  The thing is I have changed my whole view of food.  Sure I still enjoy food, but I know now it is for fuel for my body.  I have a whole new respect for it.  I use to abuse food and it was very harmful for my body as well as my mind.  Now it is the fuel that I use for my workouts as well as my daily life.  I feel so much better, more than I EVER thought possible!  It's amazing the difference u feel when u eat healthy!

I did a zumba class thursday night, and took friday off from the gym.  I woke up saturday morning, with the knowledge of a zumba class at 9:30 a.m.  In mind I wanted to go, but I woke up seriously battling my body.  As I have shared before I deal with serious pain in my back and it is much worse in the mornings and especially in cold weather!  I actually woke up a little later than I normally would for a class that early.  I didn't get up until 8:30a.m., and when u add dragging, on that I was really pushing it for time.  I literally started giving myself words of encouragement to be able to push through the pain and go to the zumba class.  I was saying these 2 particular phrases over and over to myself as I wound up making it to the zumba class just minutes before time to start.  I was saying "this is how winnings done" & "with greater pain comes greater reward"!  I was so glad that I pushed through and went to the zumba class, cause as always I enjoyed it, and I was able to find a strength in myself that quite frankly I thought I would NEVER have!  That strength has been sparked and given to me by my Lord.  I'm so thankful for the renewed look on life and the internal joy that I now have!  It's amazing what happens when u finally give it over completely to Christ, and put total faith in what he is able to do.


Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the Word of GOD, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear. But without faith it is impossible to please him; for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
Hebrews 11:1,3,6 (KJV)

I took the day off sunday in the gym, but hit a zumba class monday night, and tuesday night I hit 2 back to back!   As u can see I completely layed off the weights for this weigh in.

Now, on to the life changing moment of tonight's Zumba.  We had a fill in at tonights zumba class, which is the toughest cardio based zumba instructor I have.  She is also a special friend that I will forever be grateful to!  She has left such a positive impact on my life, that words can't even describe how much appreciation I have!  She as well went through a weight loss journey and is at her goal weight.  She knows 1st hand the challenges that comes with weight loss.  Probably a little over a month or so back, she added a song to her class, that within a few minutes, of it playing moved me.  The song is "I can transform ya" by: Chris Brown.  The words of I can transform u, made me connect in my mind, that I was being transformed through this weight loss journey.  That I was actually doing it!  I began to get a bit emotional in that class, but had to hold back until the end of the class.  I went up to the instructor (my friend) and let her know how she had reinspired me to push through the pain, emotionally and physically and that I appreciated her dedication to instructing zumba.  I let her know that words couldn't truly describe how she had impacted my life!  As I was speaking to her about this, I began to cry and I could see it touched her as well.  It was tears of joy!  That I finally was transforming into someone I thought would NEVER be!  She let me know that she had choreographed that song for a dear friend of hers that had also went through a weight loss journey.  Her friend liked the song for the exact reason I had described to her.  I thought that, was the coolest thing, and I've continually looked forward to going to her class to rock to that song!  Tonight's class, I'm going to try as best as I can to put into words the emotion I felt!  As we were a little more than 1/2 way through the class, we started the song "I can transform ya".   The instructor (my friend) came down off the platform, and on one of my very favorite parts of the song began to do the moves with me!  I could hear just about everyone in the room cheering with excitement as me and her rocked a few minutes to those moves.  In those moments it was as if she and I were the only 2 people in the room, and so many floods of emotion ran through me.  I was thinking how cool, that she came right by me, on the very song, that she knew hit me, on such a personal level.  On top of that, I was keeping up, smiling, enjoying every second of it!  Also reflecting in my mind on "WOW" ~ Johnell u are there!  You are experiencing true FREEDOM from all the bondages that life in the past had on u!  True Joy, happiness, peace & strength were mine!  This is reward beyond the scale!  This is the reward that I so desperately was seeking for so, so long!  For so long I searched for my worth in others words or deeds!  I have finally found my worth in Christ!  I have an inner strength now and I'm so excited for what my future holds!

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the [Lord], thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.  Jeremiah 29:11

A New Year - A New Me

Well it's been almost a month since my last journal post, so I felt it was time to write a new entry.  I am down a total of 38 1/2 pounds, as of my weigh in on the 23rd of december.  The weight is still coming off very slowly and can be quite frustrating at times.  I have continued to push through, as this is a life commitment to becoming the new healthy me!

I am still doing Zumba classes faithfully, but due to the holidays haven't had near the classes I am use to.  I'm hoping to get back in the groove of working out more faithfully now that the holidays are over.  I can't say I'm burnt out at all, just going through a dark pit!  I'm not only battling my body now, but my thyroid as well.  I had a meltdown a few days ago.  I know things don't come easy, and the harder u have to work for them, the more u appreciate them.  The 38 1/2 pounds have not by any means come off easy, and I've had to work for every pound!  I am dreading this weeks weigh in, because I know my thyroid is out of whack!  I have more than likely gained, but I will NOT let that slow my journey down.  I have been a bit emotional the past few weeks as well as slacked on my workouts.  Geez, maybe that goes hand in hand!!!  I should NOT have slacked so much on my workouts, but I have.  This week ~ I say "BRING on the ZUMBA"!!!  I have been faithful to the weights & crunches though.  The scale may disappoint me thursday, but I will go back to the following weeks weigh in and have some success!  On the positive side of things, I bagged up some clothes this weekend that I can NO longer fit, due to them being too big!  That was pretty cool!

I have been avoiding myself, if that makes any sense at all!  I guess really avoiding the reality of myself!  The sad thing is, you can't run away from you.  Right now, in alot of ways, I'm my biggest issue.  I have been way more emotional lately.  In private of course, not letting anyone else know.  That's one of my top issues I'm still having a tough time working through.  It is so hard for me to admit, I'm not doing well.  I guess more than admitting to others, I'm having to admit to myself that I'm not 100%.  In reality no one ever is completely a o.k.  I've withdrawn again the past few weeks and not really wanted to get out and be around anyone.  It is a vicious cycle, that I'm just having such a hard time breaking.  I do think alot of that right now is due to my thyroid being out of control again.  It's amazing how much your thyroid controls in your everyday functions.  I've noticed when I am around others I am a women of very few words.  I don't want to go back to that person that was all out of control in so many areas of her life.  I really covet your prayers, and they are much needed right now. 

I have been avoiding writing a new journal entry, because I feel like such a downer.  I have always enjoyed being the one to encourage, but I have to admit I'm in desperate need of some myself right now. 

Deuteronomy 33:27
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and he shall thrust out the enemy from before you; and shall say, Destroy them.

Pushing through the wall...

Where to begin.....Well I have not lost any weight in over 3 weeks.  On November 18th I had no loss no gain.  On November 24th gained a pound.  On December 2nd no loss or gain, but on that visit I actually had an appointment and discussed my concerns. I explained that I drink lots of water and just occasional tea.  That I eat very healthy, and workout in the gym at least 6 times a week, which includes 5 to 6 Zumba classes a week. I did explain I've had some normal emotional upset, that I'm trying to process.  She thought that it was probably my thryoid out of sinc.  She also suggested me adding something with my B12 shot called slim.  It is a fat burner, with lots of extra b vitamins. She ordered a TSH as well.  The last one I had done was on August 2nd.  The level was the best it had ever been, without being too low.  The TSH was .63.  I got my results from the test that was just ran and found out it was too low.  The TSH was .06.  So I'm going from 200 mcg of levothyroxine to 150 mcg.  My 1st pill of the new dose was today.   Please say a little prayer for me that my thryoid will stay within the normal range and not go to high again.

As I had mentioned earlier, I have been dealing with several emotional issues. One being the fact I haven't lost any weight in almost a month, but in fact gained a pound.  I'm also frustrated with my body physically getting in the way in the gym.  You are probably wondering what on earth I'm talking about.  It's something I don't mention often, but that I have dealt with chronically throughout this weight loss journey ~ PAIN!  I deal with pain 24 hrs. 7 days a week.  I don't really feel the pain until I stop and sit, & especially when I lay down at night!  I'm noticing a few problem areas. One in particular is my lower back, but a few others are my knees and feet!  I will not and can't let the pain in my body slow me down!  I really push myself to a limit beyond what I think I can handle.  I try to leave it all in the gym, leaving knowing I couldn't give it one more ounce of energy!  That's what has been so hard about not loosing any weight for almost a month.  When u give it every possible ounce of your being and then some, as well as eating right, it is very frustrating to see no results on the scale.  I'm constantly reminding myself about the post I wrote on the rewards beyond the scale, and that is obviously what has kept me going.  I know I'm not on a journey just of weight loss, but life change! 

Due to the pain I deal with in my lower back, I cannot do any jumping in the Zumba classes!  I got so frustrated tonight in my Zumba class, that I actually left out and didn't finish!  I really had a melt down!  I want so badly to be able to do exactly what the instructor does, that when I realize, that is not completely possible right now, I actually get angry at my ownself!  I get frustrated that I allowed myself to get to this point, that my body literally is holding me back.  I know I did not gain all this weight overnight and it will take time to get the rest of the weight off.  I'm just trying to figure out why on earth I couldn't see what everyone else sees.  Why I let myself get so self destructive!  I guess because I've had such a healthy mind transformation, I just can't grasp why I didn't see my potential back then.  I still struggle seeing it now at times.  I know that quitting will NEVER be an option!  I've started something I completely intend to not only finish, but continue giving 100%.

A sweet new friend I've met in Zumba made a point to find me after Zumba class.  See, I did not leave the gym when I walked out of the class!  I actually went and did my 50 crunches, and did some weight equipment.  This dear friend shared some very needed words of wisdom & encouragement.  The 1st thing she said was she did not want me quitting!  I laughed and let her know that is not an option.  She then let me know, something I had no idea of.  That there are many women in my Zumba class that have made it clear to her, that they are inspired by me.  When they don't feel like they can do anymore they look at me and say if she can, so can I.  I guess it has alot to do with me being the biggest in the class.  I'm sure they realize the more weight u sling around in the class the harder it physically has to be.  They are so right, but I never show it!  For the moves I can do, I give it my all.  The ones I still can't do, I improvise and continue plugging along! 

I have not lost my passion for the gym by any means!  I absolutely still love to workout!  I just am frustrated with my physical limitations.  I know it's only a matter of time I will be able to look back and say WOW u really worked through it and look what u can do now.  I also realize I have came a very long way!  I have to remind myself frequently to embrace the accomplishments thus far!  Seems like it has been a long time, but when u sit and look at it - 7 months and 35 pounds lighter (due to the 1 pound gain), is a pretty cool accomplishement!  I really hope I haven't let anyone down.  I am human, so I will have bumps along the road!  I just can't allow it to be a complete road block, but rather a time to reflect and continue pushing through!

Colossians 3:23 
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,

True Freedom

Well on tuesday for the 1st time ever in my life, I spoke to a group of women who have suffered some type of abuse.  I am a very shy person by nature and way more of a writer, than a public speaker.   I honestly, NEVER saw myself doing something like that, but God has opened a door for me.  It's amazing how God can use something that we've been through that was so ugly and turn it around for good.  Something I was told that really helped me, be able to speak to this group, was "U don't have to be worthy, just willing".  I felt so unworthy and unqualified to speak, but God not only gave me strength, but peace as well.  Below is exactly what I shared with the group.  The response was overwhelming.

                                                           A Testimony of Hope

I had a rough past with many abuses, that crippled me emotionally for many years and brought me to a point, after my moms passing, of much reflection.  I realized I did not want the things of my past to cripple my future any longer.  God used my church family, a ladies retreat, my husband, the gym, and a conversation with 1 of my sons, as positive tools to bring me to a much healthier place, both physically, emotionally and most importantly, spiritually.

I battled many things through my childhood.  I endured physical, mental, and sexual abuse.  I battled lack of trust and total unacceptance of myself, due to a mother that showed no love.  She wasn't showed it from her parents and repeated the pattern.  The relationship or lack thereof with my mother has been the hardest thing by far to overcome.  I actually thought when she died that would somehow be the magic cure for my lifelong issues with depression, anger, distrust, guilt, self loathing, isolation from others, and food addiction.  Boy was I wrong!  Since her passing in 07, that actually brought me to the darkest pit in my life, but also led to the healthiest, happiest place today.

My mom's passing brought me to a place of much reflection.  I did not want the pain of the past to cripple my future any longer.  In april of this year,  I was able to realize, that my mother had failed me.  I was never able to trust my mother, which led to trust issues with everyone else.  The unacceptance I felt, led me to not love myself.  I also had developed a food addiction.  Since I felt like I could trust no one, I turned to food for comfort.  As you can see the past pain had damaging affects on me that led to the deepest depression.

God used a combination of things to make a  positive change in my life.  For one,  He used my church family for me to learn trust.  At my church we share lunch together every sunday.  I have been able to sit with my sisters in Christ and we share the praises in our lives as well as the burdens we are carrying.  It is a time of sweet fellowship, that I look forward to.  We recently  had a ladies retreat in april,  and for the 1st time in my life I opened up about my food addiction.  I felt a huge burden released.  I began to dig deep in God's word.   A scripture that was profound to me during that time and even now, that I reflect on daily.  Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty where with Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

I found myself having a conversation with my 14 year old son this summer, that would be a pivotal point of change in my life.  I was talking to him about choosing a career path.  I had made the statement to not ever let anyone limit u and don't limit yourself.  It was in that moment, I realized I had that done to me all my life.  Not only had I allowed others to limit me, I was the biggest limitation to myself.  That discussion led me to see things I never had seen before in myself.  That night I had a conversation with my husband and I made a life changing decision to not allow the pain of the past to dictate my future any longer.  I wanted to find true happiness and inner peace.

My husband has been a very consistent, positive support in my life.  Over the years of battleing  with a food addiction, I have gained 150 pounds.  Which put me at 291 pounds.   I found myself very discontent with that and I wanted to make a change.  Without my knowledge my husband purchased a gym membership, and even though I was aggravated at 1st, I started to work out.  I started this weight loss journey, May 12th.   Even though initially I was apprehensive about the gym, I began to love it and look forward to going.  It filled a void I did not realize I had.  It became my outlet.  A place of positive energy renewal.  My  I began to reap such a reward of peace from my workouts.  Several scriptures I came across that speaks on this.  Psalm 29:11 The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace.  Also Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  And lastly Galatians 6:9 So don't get tired of doing what is good.  Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.  I was able to start connecting with an inner peace that only Christ can give.  Working out in the gym not only has helped me with inner peace, but also physical strength, as well as reward on the scale.  I am down a total of 36 pounds now.  I am living proof, that when u hand over your burdens to the Lord, He will give u strength to overcome.  A scripture I had came across that has helped me in those times that I don't feel very strong is Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory; he will rejoice over you with gladness, he will renew you in his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

The most positive change in my life has been allowing Christ to be the center.  Through the healing that God has given me.  I've gained an inner peace I never thought possible.  I am able to face every day with a hope only Christ can give.  He is my joy, my strength, my peace, and most of all my hope. 

Reaching for the Stars

I had my weigh in today and much to my surprise I had lost 5 pounds!  I was so shocked & happy I shouted OhMyGosh - I LOST 5 pounds!!!  I repeated it like 3 times.  I was so proud of all the hard work that I put in, and it actually showing on the scale.  So I not only lost the 2 I had gained at last weeks weigh in, but also 3 extra!  I actually hit the weights more than I ever have this weigh in.  I got a tip from the gym owner that when u workout on weights u are gaining lean muscle, which in turn helps loose more body fat!  So, I gave the weights more than I ever have.  I really pushed through to a new level of "feeling the burn"!  I was able to hit 4 Zumba's & 5 days of weights and stomach crunches.  I added an 11 pound weight to my stomach crunches and I really felt the burn on that as well.

From the emotional end of this past week, I had to learn to process the devestation of the 2 pound gain, but not allow it to keep me down for too long. It is o.k. to dress your wounds, but NOT to stay on them too long.  I just regained the mindset of pushing through and continuing to do what I know works.  I was rewarded today by the number on the scale, but the long term is so much more beneficial.  After saturday's workout, I had much time of reflection.  I thought on the fact that after I reach my goal weight, I will not have a number to look forward to on the scale anymore.  This is completely a life change!  I LOVE working out and will continue to reap the benefits from that, both physically & mentally.

I hit 2 Zumba classes back to back for the 1st time tonight!  About 35 minutes into the 2nd Zumba I started feeling faint so I had to take a minute rest and went right back into doing it.  I then felt sick to my stomach a few minutes later and yet again had to stop and cool down, but didn't stay down long.  I finished that class strong!  I was excited that I was able to prove to myself I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.  My stamina, just literally amazes me.  I am able to do so much more than I ever thought was my potential or even possible.  I am proof that all odds can be overcome!  We cannot allow circumstances to keep us down and prevent us from being our full potential and all God has created us to be!

At my oldest sons birthday party in July a picture was taken that I very quickly deleted. It was of  me reaching to light his candles.  All that u could see was my elbow down, but that was enough for me, I was very disgusted! I have been noticing in different areas of my body, the weight loss I'm going through.  I have a few side and front view pic's of myself taken on June 3rd, Sep. 11th, & Nov. 11th.  I was comparing them side by side tonight and noticed several different things that had changed.  One in particular to anyone else may seem so insignificant, but to me was huge!  I noticed the hand to arm ratio has changed drastically. That was a place in particular that I was looking forward to seeing changed through weight loss.  Seeing an area of my body changed by my weight loss had me in tears.  I actually saw my arm and fingers as beautiful for the 1st time!   As I continued to compare different areas of my body that has changed, I found myself so full of pride.  I really am doing this!  I'm finally facing my fears and limits I had put on myself through the years and pushing past all that to see the beautiful girl that has been hidden.  She is no longer scared, or limited!  I now know the sky is the limit!  Do NOT EVER allow anyone else or yourself to limit your full potential!  I have done that for far too long and I'm learning to embrace the new girl that is reaching for hers. 

Galatians 5:1 
Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.
John 8:32
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Putting the Gloves on....

As I finished up my workout this a.m., I was filled with such a renewing!  Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop (eye of the tiger - survivor).  I will continue on this journey, taking every hit that comes my way and just drawing strength from it.  I will not break or give up!  God never promised this life to be easy!  Galatians 6:9
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.  His grace is sufficient!

This won't be the 1st nor the last mountain to climb, but it's in the valley's I can see the stars!  I will rise above all the obstacles put in my way.  I have an amazing support system as well as a God that loves me unconditionally.  I'm only human, which means I can't expect myself to be perfect!

I went to the gym this morning, and got me a big dose of strength back!  I am more pumped up than ever to hit this week hard.  I will be challenging myself more than I ever have and just look at the overall changes, rather than the scale!  I'm not going to say I don't want to see a big number, but I can't just be hyper focused on that reward, and forget about all the other accomplishments.  I'm a fighter and will soon be a winner of this battle to a healthier me.  I'm already a winner in alot of ways, and I need to continue to remind myself of that.  I am so much stronger in mind and body than I ever thought possible.  I'm realizing I'm doing what I was born to do!  I feel such a natural high from being in the gym.  I get such a positive renewal!  After a workout I feel like I have just climbed the tallest mountain, and I'm standing at the top breathing that cool air and smiling bigger than I ever have!

I was hit really hard at weigh in having gained 2 pounds, and trying to carry emotional baggage into the weigh in.  I've been reflecting on that, and I will not be paralyzed by the negative things of the past.  Philippians 3:13,14 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

The Pain of the Past.....

Wow I have had a rough few days emotionally.  I recently had a situation bring me back to that crippling place of the mental abuse I suffered as a child.  It brought back all the bitterness & pain in a flood of emotions.  I found myself very angry and lashing out as well as in tears.  Part of my anger was realizing I hadn't completely gotten over all I endured.  I also wanted to be in denial that what angered me was not the situation, but the emotional state it put me in.  I thought I was past letting the things of the past cripple me.  It brought me back to the old person in me I hated, that allowed emotions to dictate her state of being.

I had my weigh in this a.m. that only compounded my emotionally raw state.  I found myself going into the weigh in with NO confidence at all, in having lost any weight.  Partly due to having hit the weights hard, but also having had such an emotional past few days.  For the 1st time since starting my weight loss, I found myself completely devastated on the scale.  As I saw the 2 pound weigh gain, I began to cry uncontrollably for the 1st time on the scale.  I just could NOT hold back.

Now comes the challenge!  I have to take all this raw emotion and figure out how to continue forward.

II Corinthians 4:17"For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory."  Psalm 37:17  "The righteous cry and the LORD hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles."

Breaking Free....

Well at last thursday's weigh in I lost another 2 pounds!  That puts me down a total of 33 pounds.  I have done much reflecting since the weigh in.  On the way home after Zumba saturday morning I thought on just how much I have changed.  Not just in body, but so much more in mind & heart. 

I have found a gift I will forever treasure!  I am a reflection of just what God can do in a life.  When u finally let completely go and hand it over to him, so many great things will happen.  Most importantly, u will find an inner peace than only Christ can give.  Philippians 4:7  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I find myself so excited about the gift I've found, that I share it with everyone I come in contact with.  Sharing my passion for the gym is worth sharing with everyone and anyone that will listen. I invite people all the time to try Zumba if they haven't already.  Life is not complete, when you are NOT living it to the fullest.  For the 1st time in my life I'm enjoying it!  The best description I can give is like someone being stuck inside a house sick for a few days and then they get to go outside for the 1st time.  You walk out and take a very deep breath, and feel the refreshing that u were needing.  For me that's what I feel like every single time I'm in the gym.

I'm so amazed that I'm finally able to live the present and look forward to the future.  I couldn't say that just 6 months ago.  I was so wrapped up with the pain of my past, that I couldn't see the blessing of life I was given.  We cannot allow anyone or anything to steal the joy Christ intends for us to have.  He set us free!  It's time for us to embrace that freedom and let the chains of shame go!  It's time for u to love yourself and the beautiful creation God made in u.

Proverbs 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.

The Call of Destiny......

We were not meant to,
live in the past of pain,
or carry the chains,
but to let go of the shame.

We are to inspire,
and spark an inner fire,
of the desire,
to be changed.

We all have a hidden treasure,
if we look,
 to seek and find it.

That is the thing,
that sparks the fire,
the inner desire to be changed.

Written by:  Me