Breaking Chains one at a time

 WoW!!! It’s been 10 years since my last post. A lot of things have happened. I am back on my weight loss journey, this time being prayed over and healed from food addiction. Started in October of last year, but January 24th my life was forever changed. My starting weight was 276 in Oct. Feb 3rd I went in for a regular doctors appointment and weighed 262. Over the last 5 years I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes & have had hypothyroidism since 98. At that doctors appointment 1 of my diabetes medications Trulicity was increased from 1.5 mg injection weekly to 3.0 weekly. I was already on the max dose of metformin @ 1000 mg twice daily. On April 6th I discovered loaded teas & meal replacement shakes made with Herbalife products @ a brand new shop called Radiant Nutrition. Huge benefits of protein, vitamins, sugar free & a food suppressant. Fast forward to my appointment yesterday on the 20th, I weighed in @ 243 pounds - a total loss of 33 pounds! I had been keeping a record of my blood pressures and blood sugars over the last 3 months. I was already on the lowest dose of bp medicine @ 10 mg of Lisinopril. After reviewing my logs I was released from taking blood pressure medicine!!! You read that correctly, I reversed my high blood pressure! Because of my blood sugar logs and weight loss, my metformin dose has been cut in half! 1 Step closer to reversing diabetes! You see I wanted to be below 240 pounds, but I left that appointment with so much more.

Funny I weighed myself this morning! You guessed it I was at 240. I have a 1st goal of hitting 220. I have not been that weight since I last blogged over 10 years ago. I plan on doing a jig & a celebration/treat to myself. I will save that information for when I get there.

Today, I found myself having compartmentalized so many emotions. Realize when going through weight loss, you must also shed years of unwanted layers, of deep seeded emotions. So, many bad habits were formed emotionally more so than anything else. I’m a suffer in silence type person. That is what led me to my max weight of 299 pounds. I have always stuffed down pain inside. I realized recently that the cause was the physical, mental, emotional & sexual abuse I suffered as a child, led me to not value myself as a person. I use to get so angry with the saying - “there is no way you can love anyone if you can’t love yourself”! I’m here to tell you, in my experience that wasn’t true. I give so much of myself physically & emotionally, that I can literally deplete all my resources. In turn I have literally found myself ill. You see I know what it feels like to feel unloved, sad, & lonely. At all cost I found myself wanting to prevent anyone else to ever feel what I felt. I also always have been frustrated with the phrase “just choose joy”! I have suffered with severe depression for most my life. When your in that cloud of thinking, there is no way to choose Joy. Depression is not a choice. Unfortunately unless you’ve been there you don’t and can’t understand. What it boils down to is a form of suffering in silence. Years of heavy chains bottled & not really understanding how to break free. 

Jesus is my power source! He has been there through it all. Loved me through the highs and lows. Sent me people that love me unconditionally. My husband has been such a rock. God knew I needed him, more than he will ever know. I have begun to grasp on to the fact, a dear lady Mander once told me “Honey God don’t make no junk”! God gives us purpose in our pain! Our story for his glory! I have began to realize I have value and in that value a voice.  

Left in Silence....

Silence has taken her,
Oh where will she go this time,
It's so cold, dark & lonely,
But she must keep quiet,
They all want to see,
Her fall & break,
The world is heartless,
No one but me it wants to take,
It's so old going through the motions,
Feels like things will never change,
So sick of feeling defeated,
This world I cannot take,
Oh silence why do you haunt me,
No one really understands the pain i try to hide,
I don't even understand that I left behind,

Time the Precious Gift that has been given....

I find myself wide awake at 3:30 a.m.  I wake up reflecting on so many things.  The freshest thing on my mind is a dear friend passing.  It was very unexpected, and quite frankly I've been in shock.  You would think after my dad & mom's passing, I would realize life is not guaranteed another day.  I have reflected over those last moments I was able to spend with my dear sister and wish I had a do over.  Unfortunately we get no do overs, and the bottom line is we need to spend our time as the precious gift that has been given.  That has all led into my reflection on my weight loss journey and some of the things my friend shared with me.  She let me know I was a beautiful creation God had made.  That I was not only beautiful outside, but inside as well.  One thing that really stands out about my weight loss she shared, was " you are gonna be able to do this, because God is your strength now". It is so hard to get through the tears to continue typing these words, but this is much needed for me to find healing and continue in the weight loss journey that began for me a little over a year ago.  It's amazing the timing of things and how important they are in our life.  I have spent so much of my life, completely overwhelmed and paralyzed in my insecurities and fears.  I have to use the time I've been given as the gift it is!

I have since January not lost anymore weight, and since church camp have realized how I've been at a stand still with my progress.  Now that baseball/softball season is over, I have no excuse to not workout.  It is my quiet place, my renewing, my strength.  God has so richly blessed me with a hobby that has done so much positive for me.  The gym - Oh how I have missed you!  For the last few months, I have been so on the edge of my nerves and just wound up in a big ball of stress.  It's amazing how we make our lives so much harder than it has to be.  As I sit and think on what the root of my troubles are, I realize something was removed from me during these last few months.  God added the positive outlet of the gym in my life and I had removed it.  I realized I have had no outlet, no place of the renewing positive energy, I had became accustomed to.  That was my time, not only to get healthy in body, but mind as well.  I spent time in prayer on the way to workouts.  I would also have a time of reflection during my weight training.  When you make no time for that 1 on 1 with Christ, you make no time for peace.  He is the giver of peace.

Romans 12: 
²And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

This was our theme verse for camp and oh how I have needed to truly meditate on just what this verse is saying!  This week starting monday, I will be getting back to the gym and recharging my batteries.  I actually haven't had a membership since the 15th of May.  My husband surprised me with a 3 month membership friday as an early anniversary present.  I had shared my heart with him the night before, and one of the biggest things on my mind was the gym membership that had lapsed.  He could not have gotten me a better gift!  Financially we have been struggling, so it was completely unexpected, but God made a way!  I don't want you to think I've gotten out of church or that I'm discrediting what my church does for me.  My church is a place of renewing as well.  Unfortunately I had gotten into that place that we all do at times.  I was caught up in the routine and lost sight of the real reason of going. I had lost that true heart of worship.  We can get so caught up in our daily routines and woes of life, that we loose sight of the important things.  That's exactly what I had done! 

I had a case of heat exhaustion about a month ago, so due to that wasn't able to workout.  It was a challenge to get through day to day chores.  I had bad headaches everyday for at least a week after and completely felt drained of any energy.  I was so mad at myself for allowing that to happen!  I have been very angry and bitter over my body giving me such grief over my journey.  I have had the visual of being the terminator and dragging a leg.  Pushing myself harder than I ever have in my life physically.  I realize now pushing too hard at times.  I just can never be that nearly 300 pound girl that laid on her couch, depressed, crying, crippled by fears & insecurities and wasting such precious time.  I will never go back to that.  God has changed me from the inside out and the outside has been a much slower pace than I would like, but with hard work, comes great reward.  I have lost 41 pounds and will not discredit that.  Most importantly I have gained an inner strength that comes from Christ.  An inner strength I didn't realize was there.  God is continuing to mold me into his image.  Something very powerful I gleaned from church camp was from the preacher.  He had told of his wife's tragedies.  She had been in several car wrecks, that had changed her appearance.  Her attitude through that time even till now has been astonishing.  He said she never complains.  She had actually made the statement God is making me more like him.  We go through trials, tragedies, etc... to refine us into what he wants for us.  He sees the big picture, we just see the journey.  Sometimes the journey is more overwhelming than we think we can bear, but God is there for us to lean.

Too dark to see...

Why is the light so far away,
wasn't that long the light was here to stay,
She isn't so sure of who she is becoming,
It's overwhelming, frustrating & down right
disappointing,
She is her biggest battle,
The old wants to hang on to the comfort,
The dark, the quiet, the lonely,
The new wants to be forever changed,
To grasp the light, the joy, the freedom,
The insecurities & fears,
They cannot stay anymore,
She will feel comfortable in her skin,
and feel inner pain No more,
Life will always have it's valleys,
But the mountains, that's what I'm after.....

Shattered reflections....

You know it's been over a month since I wrote last, and it's past time to face what I'm going through.  Been through alot emotionally for over a month.  I'm 1 of those that suffer in silence.  It's a constant reminder of the girl that got to nearly 300 pounds a year ago.  I'm still down 41 pounds, but it has been a long road.  I do not struggle with food as an addiction anymore, but rather battle my own insecurities as well as the roller coaster of life! 

Within this month, I've had the reality that my oldest is going to be a senior and will be on his own soon.  We fitted him for his tux for prom and that was a very bittersweet moment in time, that had me very emotional inside.  My 2nd son was registered for high school, yes that' s right an upcoming freshman.  My daughter has her 1st boyfriend/crush. Three of my 4 kids is in ball, so we are constantly busy, which has increased my stress.  My husband is umpiring, and without saying, most already know the atmosphere that comes with that.  As your reading this, I'm sure your wondering where on earth the workouts are getting plugged in.  Well, I've been having to ask myself the same question.  I've been getting less than 1/2 the workouts I had built up to, because of the chaotic schedule.  I've come to realize this is life!  You have to put your priorities in order!  I'm also needing to balance, the me time.  Like, I think I've forgotten completely what me time even is!  Not that the gym is not me time, but I need time to actually sit in silence.  Let's put it like this, I have NOT been a very happy person to live with.  Mainly can't stand myself, if that makes any sense at all.  Last week was a rare moment in ball season, because of the state mandated test all the kids here had to take.  Due to that going on, there were no games or practices (except my daughter practiced a few times with a few of her friends).  It was awesome to be able to catch some of my zumba classes, weights, stomach crunches, stationary cycle & elliptical.  You probably are wondering if I hate ball season.  The answer to that is actually no.  I LOVE watching my kids play, just don't like any drama.  One of my favorite sports is actually baseball, especially when u get a really close game, with some good hot boxing going on ;o)  I know that everyone has their fair share of stress, but this is my legitimate load that has greatly affected my overall progress on my weight loss.  I'm having to be completely real with myself as well as u. 

Now about the title - shattered reflections.  Boy oh Boy!  This is that "I'm being completely real, raw and open moment".  I'm by far my biggest obstacle to overcome. I mean that with complete sincerity.  I am so insecure, afraid of judgement from others, struggle with fear of rejection as well as fear of failure, very hard to trust anyone - even my own husband of almost 19 years.  I grew up not being able to trust my own mother, so as u can imagine, that puts a damper on trust of anyone else.  I've had several 1 on 1 talks with my older 2 boys at different times over this past month.  It has been extremely hard, and maybe 1 of the harder things I've had to do in my life.  I share very little information on my past, one because it's too painful, and two it's literally too hard for me to believe, so I can only imagine how hard it would be for someone else to believe what I endured & survived.  The few conversations I spoke of with my 2 boys, made me reflect on my childhood, and quite frankly was overwhelmingly, unbearable.  I was very torn and broken after the conversations ended and in 1 particular conversation, could not hold back my tears.  The love I have for my children is indescribable, so to have to face what I went through at the hand of my own mother is incomprehendable. I'm so thankful that by God's grace and good Christian role models in my life growing up, I'm able to be a good mother to my kids.  Now let me just go ahead and tell u, one of the things I also battle in myself is my criticism on being a mother.  Because of my childhood, I had in my mind the kind of mother I was going to be.  I guess I put the scale at a perfect level, so before the day even starts I've doomed myself for failure.  As u can see all these negatives, become a very vicious & unhealthy pattern.  With weight loss comes emotional healing.  I've been healing in some areas and only scratching the surface in others.  I'm beginning to understand that just because I start healing in one area, does not mean I won't have to go back at some point in time and reflect on that again.  It's like a scar, it's a reminder of the pain, but not the definition of who are now. 

WOW - the church service was such an eye opener for me and I had an opportunity to share what was on my heart and how God has brought much healing over the last year, but  I am still a work in progress.  I'm amazed with how God knows my heart and knew exactly what I needed to hear and what I needed to see in the mirror this week in one of my zumba classes.   To jump start that fire back up inside, to not only finish my weight loss journey, but to continue growing and learning who I am and my worth in Christ. My image of myself was very shattered growing up.  Let's just put it like this, I did not feel worth much.  Quite frankly I felt less than garbage.  I know I've had many, many compliments along the way, but the image in my mind was such a distorted 1.  The best way I know how to describe it, is like an anorexic looking in the mirror and all they ever see is a fat person, when in reality they are super thin.  In their mind, over time either through traumatic event or very harmful words, began to look at themselves distorted.  Well I guess that's how I've always seen myself, through a shattered mirror. I see the complete opposite of what everyone else sees.  I'm learning to value myself, the way Christ does.  Like one of the elders said in my church to me at the very beginning of my weight loss "God don't make no junk".  Believe it or not we are precious to him.  I'm learning who I am and learning,  for the 1st time, in my life, to feel completely comfortable in my own skin.  With Christ I have Redemption, Freedom & Victory.  We are not to walk a defeated life.  In that zumba class I looked in  the mirror and smiled.  I was able to not only see the happy person doing something she loves, but I saw the girl who deserved self worth!  I was able to look and actually see an unshattered image of the women I'm becoming.  I wanted to shout, scream & cry all at the same time.  I was able to admit I am actually good at something.  I've very rarely, in my life, if any, have admitted to myself, that I'm actually really good at something.  Zumba is 1 of them.  In that same class after it was over, had a lady come up to me and say I was looking like a pro up there, and of course I laughed.  She said NO, I'm serious!  Talk about a boost I so desperately needed.  Oh how I wish it was much easier, than it has been to grasp, on to the fact, that I'm a good person, with something to offer.  I've been recently asked by more than a few people if I planned on getting zumba certified.  I've replied each time with no - I'm NO leader!  I to my own surprise started a coupon group a couple of weeks ago  - I know your thinking that's nothing.  If you only knew my heart though, you would know how hard, and scary that was for me.  I've Never saw myself as any type of leader and it scares me beyond words, to be in that type of position.  I'm having a blast in the group and am enjoying learning to coupon.  Bottom line is, I have and do, put way too much pressure, on myself.  I am learning just to be me.  People can relate more with someone who is just genuine and down to earth.  Don't be something your not, and expect others to respond well to that.  Learning to feel comfortable in my own skin, is allowing me to branch out and feel comfortable for the 1st time in my life and actually see myself in a leader role.   - I am going to get Zumba certified for sure at the end of this weight loss journey!  I can do it and will rock it!  I will enjoy the life Christ has so richly blessed me with.  We are not promised sunny days all the time, or roses without thorns.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time


You block your dream, when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith  ~ Mary Manin Morrissey

Slipping Away....

She is overwhelmed
so many directions she screams,
not outloud, but in silence
she is slipping, slipping
back into the fear,
slipping back into the dark,
slipping back to the safe spot,
can't go back to stay,
made too much progress,
too much pain left there,
she wants to break free,
break free from the judgement,
break free from the pain,
break free from the eyes,
that so long have watched her,
she just wants to find her spot,
find her spot in freedom,
her spot in this life,
why can't she just be happy,
not caring for negative words,
negative thoughts,
the fingers they point,
with such glee it seems,
they can't see the me,
I want to be,
all they see is the broken,
I continue to cry in silence,
hurting so very deeply it seems,
will she ever, ever just be
happy, free, and just me....

Balancing the Chaos & Finding the peace within.....

In the last journal post, my weigh in's were not going that well.  I started getting feedback from friends and started realizing that they were right, I had gotten into a routine not only with my workouts, but food as well.  So not only did I change my working out for that week, but also the foods I ate.  I had my weigh in on that following thursday - March 17th.  I must say it was 1 of my better weigh in's.  I lost 5 pounds!  I was beyond excited, even ready to jump out of my skin.  I had changed it up by walking 1 mile every day for like 4 days.  I cut out my zumba's, but continued doing weights.  It just totally shocked me that changing up my routine helped that much.  I'm not gonna lie, it was very hard to change what I ate, because I had grown quite fond of some of the foods I was eating.  It was even harder cutting out zumba's for that week, but I am serious about this weight loss though, and I'm willing to do what it takes to loose it the healthy way!

Wow - have I had a full plate, since I last journaled!  Trying to figure out where on earth to begin, without my thoughts being all over the place.  I have 3 of my kids actively involved in sports at this time, so working in my workouts have been a challenge to say the least!  If that wasn't challenging enough, my husband started umpiring.  Keep in mind this is all being done with 1 me & 1 vehicle!  Going back to the end of last week, I slipped away for a 3 day ladies retreat.  It was much needed!  It was a time of much reflection, sharing, stepping back and taking in all God had for my heart and mind.  Leading into that retreat, I was physically as well as mentally exhausted!  I even had 2nd thoughts about going, due to the guilt, I so often  hold onto.  The guilt that is NOT mine!  One thing I have learned since starting this weight loss journey 10 months ago, is to take time for me, even in those times of feeling guilty.  I have to remind myself of the renewing inside I get from taking that time to refresh, refocus, & regain the inner strength, to push through the rough times.  I have learned, that if my mental strength is depleted, I will have NO physical strength to push through.  At the ladies retreat, after each lesson, we had a time of quiet reflection & journaling.  We could go anywhere we chose to.  This picture is the spot I went to.  I'm going to put some of what I wrote at friday a.m.'s reflection time. 

"As I sit by the wisteria vine, I reflect on my thoughts & words.  Have I used my words to heal or wound?  God please help me to have a filter.  I cannot allow the negativity to reflect, but rather you in me.  I feel like I am so quick at times to allow the challenges in my life to weigh heavy on me.  I allow the problems I encounter to have victory!  Help me to open my eyes & heart to what u have for me." Our lesson was over the tongue & the power it holds.

"For the Lord your God is going with you!
He will fight for you against your enemies, and he will give you victory!’"
Deuteronomy 20:4 

I felt almost defeated going into the retreat due to life's chaos.  I had lost focus and my inner peace had been shifted.  Sitting by the wisteria.  It just put me in awe, to see, smell, & feel God's creation.  I  was nestled in 100 acres of beauty.  As I sat there, I smelled the amazing aroma of the flower vine,  felt the light breeze, & just saw the beauty before me.  I began to reflect on just how much I wanted that for my mind.  As if there was not a care in the world.  That God had it all in his hands, and there was nothing to worry about.  The peace that only God can give.  The calm, even in the midst of a storm.


"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31