I find myself wide awake at 3:30 a.m. I wake up reflecting on so many things. The freshest thing on my mind is a dear friend passing. It was very unexpected, and quite frankly I've been in shock. You would think after my dad & mom's passing, I would realize life is not guaranteed another day. I have reflected over those last moments I was able to spend with my dear sister and wish I had a do over. Unfortunately we get no do overs, and the bottom line is we need to spend our time as the precious gift that has been given. That has all led into my reflection on my weight loss journey and some of the things my friend shared with me. She let me know I was a beautiful creation God had made. That I was not only beautiful outside, but inside as well. One thing that really stands out about my weight loss she shared, was " you are gonna be able to do this, because God is your strength now". It is so hard to get through the tears to continue typing these words, but this is much needed for me to find healing and continue in the weight loss journey that began for me a little over a year ago. It's amazing the timing of things and how important they are in our life. I have spent so much of my life, completely overwhelmed and paralyzed in my insecurities and fears. I have to use the time I've been given as the gift it is!
I have since January not lost anymore weight, and since church camp have realized how I've been at a stand still with my progress. Now that baseball/softball season is over, I have no excuse to not workout. It is my quiet place, my renewing, my strength. God has so richly blessed me with a hobby that has done so much positive for me. The gym - Oh how I have missed you! For the last few months, I have been so on the edge of my nerves and just wound up in a big ball of stress. It's amazing how we make our lives so much harder than it has to be. As I sit and think on what the root of my troubles are, I realize something was removed from me during these last few months. God added the positive outlet of the gym in my life and I had removed it. I realized I have had no outlet, no place of the renewing positive energy, I had became accustomed to. That was my time, not only to get healthy in body, but mind as well. I spent time in prayer on the way to workouts. I would also have a time of reflection during my weight training. When you make no time for that 1 on 1 with Christ, you make no time for peace. He is the giver of peace.
Romans 12:
2And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
This was our theme verse for camp and oh how I have needed to truly meditate on just what this verse is saying! This week starting monday, I will be getting back to the gym and recharging my batteries. I actually haven't had a membership since the 15th of May. My husband surprised me with a 3 month membership friday as an early anniversary present. I had shared my heart with him the night before, and one of the biggest things on my mind was the gym membership that had lapsed. He could not have gotten me a better gift! Financially we have been struggling, so it was completely unexpected, but God made a way! I don't want you to think I've gotten out of church or that I'm discrediting what my church does for me. My church is a place of renewing as well. Unfortunately I had gotten into that place that we all do at times. I was caught up in the routine and lost sight of the real reason of going. I had lost that true heart of worship. We can get so caught up in our daily routines and woes of life, that we loose sight of the important things. That's exactly what I had done!
I had a case of heat exhaustion about a month ago, so due to that wasn't able to workout. It was a challenge to get through day to day chores. I had bad headaches everyday for at least a week after and completely felt drained of any energy. I was so mad at myself for allowing that to happen! I have been very angry and bitter over my body giving me such grief over my journey. I have had the visual of being the terminator and dragging a leg. Pushing myself harder than I ever have in my life physically. I realize now pushing too hard at times. I just can never be that nearly 300 pound girl that laid on her couch, depressed, crying, crippled by fears & insecurities and wasting such precious time. I will never go back to that. God has changed me from the inside out and the outside has been a much slower pace than I would like, but with hard work, comes great reward. I have lost 41 pounds and will not discredit that. Most importantly I have gained an inner strength that comes from Christ. An inner strength I didn't realize was there. God is continuing to mold me into his image. Something very powerful I gleaned from church camp was from the preacher. He had told of his wife's tragedies. She had been in several car wrecks, that had changed her appearance. Her attitude through that time even till now has been astonishing. He said she never complains. She had actually made the statement God is making me more like him. We go through trials, tragedies, etc... to refine us into what he wants for us. He sees the big picture, we just see the journey. Sometimes the journey is more overwhelming than we think we can bear, but God is there for us to lean.
