You know it's been over a month since I wrote last, and it's past time to face what I'm going through. Been through alot emotionally for over a month. I'm 1 of those that suffer in silence. It's a constant reminder of the girl that got to nearly 300 pounds a year ago. I'm still down 41 pounds, but it has been a long road. I do not struggle with food as an addiction anymore, but rather battle my own insecurities as well as the roller coaster of life!
Within this month, I've had the reality that my oldest is going to be a senior and will be on his own soon. We fitted him for his tux for prom and that was a very bittersweet moment in time, that had me very emotional inside. My 2nd son was registered for high school, yes that' s right an upcoming freshman. My daughter has her 1st boyfriend/crush. Three of my 4 kids is in ball, so we are constantly busy, which has increased my stress. My husband is umpiring, and without saying, most already know the atmosphere that comes with that. As your reading this, I'm sure your wondering where on earth the workouts are getting plugged in. Well, I've been having to ask myself the same question. I've been getting less than 1/2 the workouts I had built up to, because of the chaotic schedule. I've come to realize this is life! You have to put your priorities in order! I'm also needing to balance, the me time. Like, I think I've forgotten completely what me time even is! Not that the gym is not me time, but I need time to actually sit in silence. Let's put it like this, I have NOT been a very happy person to live with. Mainly can't stand myself, if that makes any sense at all. Last week was a rare moment in ball season, because of the state mandated test all the kids here had to take. Due to that going on, there were no games or practices (except my daughter practiced a few times with a few of her friends). It was awesome to be able to catch some of my zumba classes, weights, stomach crunches, stationary cycle & elliptical. You probably are wondering if I hate ball season. The answer to that is actually no. I LOVE watching my kids play, just don't like any drama. One of my favorite sports is actually baseball, especially when u get a really close game, with some good hot boxing going on ;o) I know that everyone has their fair share of stress, but this is my legitimate load that has greatly affected my overall progress on my weight loss. I'm having to be completely real with myself as well as u.
Now about the title - shattered reflections. Boy oh Boy! This is that "I'm being completely real, raw and open moment". I'm by far my biggest obstacle to overcome. I mean that with complete sincerity. I am so insecure, afraid of judgement from others, struggle with fear of rejection as well as fear of failure, very hard to trust anyone - even my own husband of almost 19 years. I grew up not being able to trust my own mother, so as u can imagine, that puts a damper on trust of anyone else. I've had several 1 on 1 talks with my older 2 boys at different times over this past month. It has been extremely hard, and maybe 1 of the harder things I've had to do in my life. I share very little information on my past, one because it's too painful, and two it's literally too hard for me to believe, so I can only imagine how hard it would be for someone else to believe what I endured & survived. The few conversations I spoke of with my 2 boys, made me reflect on my childhood, and quite frankly was overwhelmingly, unbearable. I was very torn and broken after the conversations ended and in 1 particular conversation, could not hold back my tears. The love I have for my children is indescribable, so to have to face what I went through at the hand of my own mother is incomprehendable. I'm so thankful that by God's grace and good Christian role models in my life growing up, I'm able to be a good mother to my kids. Now let me just go ahead and tell u, one of the things I also battle in myself is my criticism on being a mother. Because of my childhood, I had in my mind the kind of mother I was going to be. I guess I put the scale at a perfect level, so before the day even starts I've doomed myself for failure. As u can see all these negatives, become a very vicious & unhealthy pattern. With weight loss comes emotional healing. I've been healing in some areas and only scratching the surface in others. I'm beginning to understand that just because I start healing in one area, does not mean I won't have to go back at some point in time and reflect on that again. It's like a scar, it's a reminder of the pain, but not the definition of who are now.
WOW - the church service was such an eye opener for me and I had an opportunity to share what was on my heart and how God has brought much healing over the last year, but I am still a work in progress. I'm amazed with how God knows my heart and knew exactly what I needed to hear and what I needed to see in the mirror this week in one of my zumba classes. To jump start that fire back up inside, to not only finish my weight loss journey, but to continue growing and learning who I am and my worth in Christ. My image of myself was very shattered growing up. Let's just put it like this, I did not feel worth much. Quite frankly I felt less than garbage. I know I've had many, many compliments along the way, but the image in my mind was such a distorted 1. The best way I know how to describe it, is like an anorexic looking in the mirror and all they ever see is a fat person, when in reality they are super thin. In their mind, over time either through traumatic event or very harmful words, began to look at themselves distorted. Well I guess that's how I've always seen myself, through a shattered mirror. I see the complete opposite of what everyone else sees. I'm learning to value myself, the way Christ does. Like one of the elders said in my church to me at the very beginning of my weight loss "God don't make no junk". Believe it or not we are precious to him. I'm learning who I am and learning, for the 1st time, in my life, to feel completely comfortable in my own skin. With Christ I have Redemption, Freedom & Victory. We are not to walk a defeated life. In that zumba class I looked in the mirror and smiled. I was able to not only see the happy person doing something she loves, but I saw the girl who deserved self worth! I was able to look and actually see an unshattered image of the women I'm becoming. I wanted to shout, scream & cry all at the same time. I was able to admit I am actually good at something. I've very rarely, in my life, if any, have admitted to myself, that I'm actually really good at something. Zumba is 1 of them. In that same class after it was over, had a lady come up to me and say I was looking like a pro up there, and of course I laughed. She said NO, I'm serious! Talk about a boost I so desperately needed. Oh how I wish it was much easier, than it has been to grasp, on to the fact, that I'm a good person, with something to offer. I've been recently asked by more than a few people if I planned on getting zumba certified. I've replied each time with no - I'm NO leader! I to my own surprise started a coupon group a couple of weeks ago - I know your thinking that's nothing. If you only knew my heart though, you would know how hard, and scary that was for me. I've Never saw myself as any type of leader and it scares me beyond words, to be in that type of position. I'm having a blast in the group and am enjoying learning to coupon. Bottom line is, I have and do, put way too much pressure, on myself. I am learning just to be me. People can relate more with someone who is just genuine and down to earth. Don't be something your not, and expect others to respond well to that. Learning to feel comfortable in my own skin, is allowing me to branch out and feel comfortable for the 1st time in my life and actually see myself in a leader role. - I am going to get Zumba certified for sure at the end of this weight loss journey! I can do it and will rock it! I will enjoy the life Christ has so richly blessed me with. We are not promised sunny days all the time, or roses without thorns.
Ecclesiastes 3:11
He hath made every thing beautiful in his time
You block your dream, when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith ~ Mary Manin Morrissey
